Pocket Guide to Sainthood: The Field Manual for the Super-Virtuous Life

PRAISE FOR POCKET GUIDE TO SAINTHOOD “Hewing to his trademark theology-by-way-of-JonStewart model, Jason Boyett’s hilarious, fact-packed collection of Pocket Guides refresh the maxim, if you’re not careful, you might just learn something. Anyone with a curiosity about history and belief—and an ear for wry irreverence—should not miss out on these pithy, delightful volumes.” —Lauren Sandler, author, Righteous: Dispatches from the Evangelical Youth Movement “Here’s a writer with insight like a finger in the eye, but you later want to thank him for that finger in the eye. If there were a Pocket Guide to Jason Boyett, it would include words like Fearless, Deep, and Snarky. And did I mention funny? Oh my goodness this guy is funny.” — Dean Nelson, author, God Hides in Plain Sight, and director, Writer’s Symposium by the Sea at Point Loma “Irreverent, illuminating, and packed with thousands more twenty-first-century pop-culture references than the Bible, the Qur’an, and the Bhagavad Gi-ta- combined. Boyett’s Pocket Guide series is a one-stop religion degree without the annoyances of financial aid payments or the medieval club.” —Robert Lanham, author, The Hipster Handbook and The Sinner’s Guide to the Evangelical Right “The Pocket Guides are more fun than a plague of frogs, more satisfying than manna from heaven and way less expensive than attending seminary. Pocket Guide to the

Bible, to Sainthood and to the Afterlife achieve the remarkable feat of being absurdly funny, surprisingly full of legitimate Biblical information and, inexplicably, provoking a deeper understanding of my faith. Jason Boyett is a truly inspired and disturbed individual and for that I am grateful.” —Dan Merchant, writer/producer/director of Lord, Save Us from Your Followers “Jason Boyett’s Pocket Guides are smart and hilarious. And they’re sneaky too:You don’t realize how much you’re learning because you’re having so much fun.” —AJ Jacobs, author, The Year of Living Biblically “Boyett’s witty, weird, and sometimes even wise Pocket Guides are proof that the best things do come in small packages. Besides, Jesus could return at any minute. Do you really want to start reading some big, long book?” —Daniel Radosh, author, Rapture Ready! Adventures in the Parallel Universe of Christian Pop Culture

Other Books by Jason Boyett Pocket Guide to the Bible Pocket Guide to the Afterlife Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse

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THE FIELD MANUAL FOR THE SUPER-VIRTUOUS LIFE

Jason Boyett

Copyright © 2009 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation.You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact JosseyBass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Credits appear on p. 228 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Boyett, Jason. Pocket guide to sainthood : the field manual for the super-virtuous life / Jason Boyett. p. cm. ISBN 978-0-470-37310-1 (pbk.) 1. Christian saints—Miscellanea. I. Title. BX4655.3.B69 2009 270.092'2—dc22 2009013918 Printed in the United States of America first edition PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents Introduction .......................................................................... ix CHAPTER 1 There Should Have Been a St. Webster (A Glossary of Terms) ............................... 3 CHAPTER 2 Saints You Should Know (A–F) .................... 43 CHAPTER 3 Saints You Should Know (G–Z) .................... 75 CHAPTER 4 There’s a Saint for That (Patron Saints and Their Causes)............................. 111 CHAPTER 5 The Canonization Process (in 18 Simple Steps) ................................................ 165 CHAPTER 6 Sts. Flotsam and Jetsam (An Assortment of Lists) .......................................... 183 Selected Bibliography ............................................................ 217 The Author ....................................................................... 219

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Introduction t various times on eBay, sellers have opened auctions on collectible items related to particular saints. Over the past few months you could have bid on a medallion supposedly touched by Elizabeth Anne Seton, the first native-born American to attain sainthood.You could have won a glass locket containing an authentic piece of Pope Leo XIII’s collar or four strands of St. John Bosco’s hair (“a rare first-class relic”).You could even purchase a piece of cloth (with gift box!) that touched a true relic of St. Dymphna. Yes, apparently there’s a decent market for scraps of fabric that may have once come into contact with a theoretical relic belonging to a seventh-century Irish saint who may or may not have ever existed. People, it seems, are fascinated by the saints. We name our cities, hospitals, and churches after them. We wear medals with their pictures on them. We pray to them when we need help with something. We purchase pocket-sized books about them.1 Why? Maybe it’s because some of them seemed to have been a lot like us. St. Crispin was a humble shoemaker in third-century Rome. St. Zita was just a poor housekeeper in thirteenthcentury Italy. St. Bernadette was just a teenage girl strolling

A

1. Thanks for that.

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through a forest near Lourdes, France, in 1858, until the Blessed Virgin Mary showed up, resulting in a shrine now visited by five million Catholics every year. There have been male saints and female saints, impoverished saints and royal saints, saints of noteworthy intelligence and saints of hardly any intelligence at all (St. Joseph of Cupertino). Some saints were holy from a young age. Others didn’t even convert to Christianity until adulthood. Sure, a few of them were crazy-eyed mystics living naked in the desert (St. Mary of Egypt), but many saints were well-adjusted members of society, with responsibilities and families and quiet, productive lives. And while the majority of saints have been of European origin, there are also saints with Asian, African, and even multiracial backgrounds (St. Martin de Porres). On the other hand, maybe we love the saints because they’re so not like us. Who among us, after all, has ever been beheaded, only to pick up our severed head, walk a couple miles down the road, and deliver a well-composed sermon (St. Denis)? Who among us has rescued a damsel from a dragon (St. George) or carried the Baby Jesus across a river (St. Christopher)? Indeed, who among us has helped prostitutes find meaningful work by instructing them in the lacemaking trade (St. John Francis Regis)? Today, our spiritual leaders don’t generally get martyred in horrific ways, or perform miraculous healings, or bleed mystically from the hands and feet, or tame wild beasts, or whip themselves bloody, or care for lepers on the streets of Calcutta, or levitate during mass. No, compared to the saints, religious people in the twenty-first century are pretty normal—even the ones on those weird Christian television networks.2 2. The Pocket Guide’s talking to you, purple-haired lady on Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

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Nevertheless, we are intrigued by the saints. Whether we’re Catholics desperately needing a patron or Protestants trying to identify their cabbie’s bobblehead (probably St. Fiacre), we could all use a little more information about these holy people. As long as that information is not too boring. Because the saints were a lot of things, but they were never boring. So let us turn our attention to the subject of sainthood. Let us consider the saints of Christian history. After all, they inspire us to be better people. They motivate us to do greater things. And they let us know, once and for all, that it’s entirely possible to sail across the Irish Sea on a leaf (St. Ia).

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(A Glossary of Terms) hen it comes to generalized information, people are pretty familiar with the saints of Christian history. St. Francis? The guy with the birds. St. Anthony of Padua? The one you dial up when you lose your wallet. St. Florian? Patron saint of soap-boilers. Pretty basic stuff. But when it comes to the specifics of sainthood—the nitty-gritty details of the saints’ lives and teachings and devotional peculiarities— well, things can get confusing in a holy jiffy. What’s the difference between a Dominican and a Franciscan? Is beatification a good thing? Isn’t a Carmelite one of those crunchy little candy treats you mix into ice cream?

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Good questions. Clearly, sainthood is a complicated subject, saturated with cryptic terms and churchy phrases and old-fashioned words that, let’s face it, probably contain way more letters than are necessary to get the point across (concupiscense, the Pocket Guide is totally on to you). Sure, the guys wearing the vestments probably know what it all means, but what about the regular folks? What about the common, mass-attending, rosary-praying Catholics? For the love of Little Benedict the Bridge-Builder,1 what about those poor, sad Protestants who don’t know a mendicant from a mystic? The Pocket Guide is here to help. To minimize confusion and maximize your reading pleasure, this book kicks off with a handy glossary of saint-related terms. These are the words and phrases you need to know to fully appreciate the pages to come. So button up those hair shirts, kids, and let’s get pious! ANCHORITE A special kind of hermit who dedicated himself or herself (in which case she was called an anchoress) to a life of solitude, prayer, and asceticism. But instead of living in caves or the desert, anchorites preferred cozier confines: they walled themselves into a wee little room attached to a local church. Once the cell was ready, the anchorite would enter it in a somber ceremony—somber does seem like an accurate way to describe it—and the local bishop would then permanently brick up the door, sealing the man or woman inside. Afterwards, the anchorite’s only exposure to the outside world would be through a small window for the passage of food and water. The renowned fourteenth-century devotional writer, Julian of Norwich, was an anchoress. She was also quite pasty.

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1. A twelfth-century French shepherd and saint of minor consequence, used here only because of the awesome nickname.

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PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Known for their great

spirituality and wisdom, anchorites often dispensed advice through their tiny windows. Because if there’s anyone who ought to be telling you how to get along in the world, it’s someone who has willingly reduced their world to a closet. FUN RELATED FACT NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Hermits, otherwise

known as free-range anchorites.

The Ancren Riwle, a thirteenthcentury manual for anchoresses, lists eight reasons to retire from the world. These include everything from security issues (“If a raging lion were running along the street, would not a wise person shut herself in?”)2 to protecting one’s virginity (“. . . this precious balsam in this brittle vessel is virginity . . . more brittle than any glass; which, if ye were in the world’s crowd, ye might . . . lose entirely”).3 It’s quite convincing.

ASCETIC A religious person who voluntarily gives up worldly pursuits out of spiritual motives. By the third and fourth centuries, a few countercultural Christians started thinking the whole following-Jesus thing had become too easy, especially in the cities, so they abandoned modern conveniences and started hanging out in the deserts of Egypt and Palestine. These hermits generally combined selfdenial—in the form of sexual abstinence, fasting, and avoidance of any of life’s comforts—with intense prayer and meditation on the Scriptures. It was spectacular! Out in the desert, they were no longer

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2. The Ancren Riwle: A Treatise on the Rules and Duties of Monastic Life, James Morton, B.D., trans. (Camden Society, London: 1853), p. 165. 3. Ibid., p. 167.

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tempted by societal evils like companionship or the lack of sand. Nope. It was just them and God. And scorpions. And, um, all the other hermits, because asceticism got really popular. Eventually, all the ascetics organized into clubs and monasticism was born. See also: Hermit. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: When Chip stopped wearing his Bluetooth headset I thought he was becoming all ascetic and stuff, but it turns out he just had FUN RELATED FACT an ear infection. The sixth-century ascetic St. Emiliana spent so much time kneeling in prayer that her calloused elbows and knees were said to have felt as hard as “the hide of a camel.”4

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Aesthetics. Because

you totally don’t want a third-century hermit lecturing you on the feng shui of your living-room furniture.

BEATIFICATION The next-to-last step in the process of getting that coveted “St.” in front of your name. Beatification is something the pope does to officially recognize that a certain person (1) is dead, (2) has gotten into heaven, and (3) gets to participate in the intercession of saints—that is, the beatified dead person is allowed to use his or her heavenly clout to ask God for stuff on behalf of those of us who aren’t dead yet. Or holy enough. Or a combination thereof. (See Communion of Saints.) According to Canon Law, beatification isn’t allowed until the saint-to-be is credited with at least one miracle, which means

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4. Baring-Gould, Rev. S. The Lives of the Saints (London: John Hodges, 1877), p. 273.

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someone praying in the person’s name or visiting the person’s grave or riding in a taxi with the person’s bobblehead on the dash has to get healed or experience something that is spiritually significant and unexplainable. This condition doesn’t apply, however, if the saintto-be died a martyr. Martyrdom requires no miracle at all. On the road to canonization, martyrdom is the HOV lane. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Pope John Paul II was a beatification machine, giving that honor to 1,340 people during his reign. Which is one way to make sure your “Welcome to Heaven” party is well-attended. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Beatty-fication, which is the process of adding a Beatty (preferably Warren, though Ned will do in a pinch) to one’s motion picture in order to increase its boxoffice appeal. Though a popular term in the ’80s and early ’90s, Beatty-fication is hardly remembered, much less practiced, in today’s cinema culture. BENEDICTINE A member of the religious order founded by St. Benedict of Nursia in the sixth century. Benedictines live according to the Rule of St. Benedict, a highly influential document detailing the ins and outs of monastic life. How influential was it? Until the eleventh century, almost all monks and nuns were Benedictines, until a few competing orders like the Carmelites, Dominicans, and Franciscans began to crop up. Life as a Benedictine was devoted to prayer, scholarship, and charity, and members were required to take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. Until the late nineteenth century, Benedictine communities were independent of each other. Now they’re organized into a confederation called the Order of Saint Benedict, and Benedictines identify

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themselves by placing the initials O.S.B. after their names. They take great care not to transpose those letters, as it can have disastrous (yet hilarious) results. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Kenny was fully prepared to take his Benedictine vow until he got to the part about living at St. Meinrad until death, and he wasn’t sure he could do without World of Warcraft for that long. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Benediction, a short blessing or prayer at the end of a church service.You might think the word is related to St. Benedict, but it’s not. Both the word and the name come from the Latin words bene (well) and dicere (to speak). And, for the record, the decadent breakfast dish Eggs Benedict isn’t named after the saint either. Its nomenclature comes from the last name of the person who first developed the recipe, probably in the late nineteenth or early twentieth centuries.5 CANON LAW The extensive legal system of the Roman Catholic Church, complete with courts, judges, lawyers, and dusty rooms full of thick, ancient books. It involves a lot of different categories of rules, which include (but aren’t limited to) regulations pertaining to Church authorities, the rights and duties of Church members, and the step-bystep process of attaining sainthood. In the mid-thirteenth century, the Church realized its collection of laws was becoming unwieldy, so authorities set about the task of organizing them into a final

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5. There are at least three different origin stories for Eggs Benedict, all involving different people with the last name of Benedict. And though interesting, they are essentially unrelated to the topic of sainthood, so you’ll just have to look them up on your own.

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document. This process was completed nearly six hundred years later, in 1917, with the publication of Codex Juris Canonici (“Code of Canon Law”). Apparently some deadlines were missed. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: When the professor began his lecture with the phrase, “In accordance with canon 361.5 of the Code of Canon Law . . .” at least four students plunged immediately into a catatonic state. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Jude Law. While a recognized authority on certain matters involving movie stardom, Academy Award nominations, and relationships with beautiful women, Mr. Law carries very little clout, if any, within the Vatican’s judicial system. CANONIZATION The formal process by which a regular person with a pious résumé morphs into a full-fledged saint. The upside? You get added to the long list (or “canon”) of official saints, and you get special influence when it comes to bringing prayers to the throne of God. The downside? People won’t leave your gravesite alone. The canonization process (detailed exhaustively in Chapter 5) culminates in a decision by the pope, who has the final authority to declare someone a saint. It should be noted, of course, that canonization doesn’t exactly make a person a saint. It only recognizes the fact that someone was already a saint. Which means there are some pre-canonization saints just walking around and going to church and shopping at Home Depot—and they don’t even know how special they are! It’s all very optimistic and up-with-people-ish. Except for the part about Home Depot. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Ever the scrapbooker, Darla spent most of the last decade preparing a binder in bold anticipation of her own canonization, complete with church attendance records,

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photographic demonstrations of heroic virtues, and blood samples from what she claimed was a case of stigmata but what was really a case of carelessness while slicing a bagel. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Ionization, the process of changing a molecule into an ion by adding or subtracting electrons. Ionization is totally different from the sainthood thing because it actually transforms an atom into an ion rather than just lamely recognizing that it’s already an ion. Or, you know, whatever. CARMELITE A member of the religious order founded in the twelfth century on Mount Carmel in Israel. Its founder may have been St. Bertold, a former Crusader who got disillusioned with crusading after he had a vision in which Jesus was less than delighted by all the forced conversions. But Bertold’s connection to the order’s founding is only traditional. When asked about their founder, early Carmelites would attribute the order’s origins to Elijah or the Virgin Mary, which was so not very helpful. Even today, no one really knows where the Carmelites came from. Except Jesus, and apparently he has declined comment. Officially, the Carmelite order is known as the Order of the Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Its monks and nuns are strongly devoted to Mary and focus on contemplative (and occasionally mystical) prayer. Back in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, there were a succession of reforms among Carmelite communities that involved a level of piety tied very closely to whether its nuns or monks could wear shoes. Calced Carmelites wore shoes. Discalced Carmelites went barefoot. The turf wars were brutal.6

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6. For more about these reforms, read the biographical entries, in Chapter 3, on St. John of the Cross (p. 84) and St. Teresa of Ávila (p. 100).

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PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: People grew less convinced

about Jessica’s desire to become a Carmelite nun when she revealed that the discalced Carmelites were her preference because she loved pedicures, and that kind of life required a lot of them. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Carmel-by-the-Sea, a California community of writers, poets, and painters, where you’ll find plenty of people walking around barefoot and having visions. But rarely is Jesus involved. CHASTITY Most commonly, the abstention from sex and the pursuit of purity for religious reasons, or as part of a religious vow. Chastity is one of the Seven Holy Virtues in Catholicism, along with temperance, charity, diligence, kindness, patience, and humility. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: In what was either an act of unbridled optimism or a sad commentary on her vocabulary skills, teenage mom Heather gave her newborn daughter—her third child since making that virginity pledge as a fourteen-yearFUN RELATED FACT old at youth camp—the In the seventh century, St. Bertilia name Chastity. married the love of her life.

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NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Chastity belt, the

intricate, locked medieval device intended to prevent medieval hanky-panky. It was discovered to be much more effective than simply naming a girl Chastity.

Then she and her groom took vows of chastity and remained virgins until they died. True love waits. And waits.

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CISTERCIAN A member of the religious order originally founded in 1098 by St. Robert of Molesme at Cîteaux Abbey7 in France. The Cistercians grew out of the Benedictine tradition but were based on a movement to return to the original monastic austerity of St. Benedict—as opposed to, say, the opulent worldliness of eleventhcentury Benedictine abbeys, what with their wild manuscriptcopying parties and decadent stained-glass-making. Cistercians tried to reproduce life as Benedict would have known it, so they became super ascetic, returned to an emphasis on manual labor in the form of farming and fieldwork, and added a strict observance of silence to the requirements for membership. The Cistercian order spread wildly in the twelfth century due to the influence of St. Bernard of Clairvaux, which is why Cistercians were sometimes called Bernardines. These days, thanks to some seventeenth-century reforms related to the French abbey of La Trappe, Cistercians are more popularly known by the FUN RELATED FACT nickname Trappists. So you Due to all the farming, Cistercians can pretty much call them were widely recognized as the go-to agriculwhatever you want, as long turists, cattle breedas it’s not “Benedictines.”

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ers, and hydrological engineers of the Middle Ages.

PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: A lazy, talkative

person would likely make a poor Cistercian. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Benedictines. Pay attention. 7. The Latin name for Cîteaux is Cistercium.

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COMMUNION OF SAINTS The all-encompassing fellowship of believers in heaven (including canonized saints and plain-jane citizens of glory), on earth, and even in purgatory, bound together as a single body by the glue of the Holy Spirit.8 The phrase “communion of saints” is most famously included in the Apostle’s Creed, which is often recited in the liturgy or catechism of Christian churches. Belief in the communion of saints led to the Catholic practice of offering prayers to saints—usually a patron saint—who might then intercede on one’s behalf before God. Because who is God more likely to listen to? One of his dead-but-purified saints living in a heavenly mansion and sporting a sweet golden halo? Or some living-but-sin-stained waitress shacked up in a trailer park and wearing sweatpants and a Black Crowes tee? PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: I used to believe in the communion of saints until I asked St. Bona of Pisa to get me that flight attendant’s job, and she totally forgot to warn me about the psychological testing. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Communion (1989), a UFOabduction film starring Christopher Walken, in which the aliens are discovered to be friendly.9 But not so friendly as to help Walken out by asking God for stuff on his behalf.

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8. The writer of Hebrews in the New Testament vividly describes this as a “great cloud of witnesses” (Hebrews 12:1, NIV). 9. Based on a book of the same name by Whitley Strieber, who swears the entire story was true, except for the part about it happening to Christopher Walken.

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CONCUPISCENCE In theology, the innate appetite of humans for things contrary to the will of God; the inclination toward sin and evil. It is often used with a sexual connotation, especially when someone wants to use a really long, impressive-sounding, four-syllable word instead of, for instance, just saying lust. Regardless, concupiscence was a good reason for saints to flagellate themselves in an act of mortification. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Back in the day, Catholic theologians used to fight with reformers like Martin Luther about the true meaning of concupiscence, but it was sort of a dorky fight. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Concubine, a secondary semi-wife in biblical times, often for the purpose of childbearing. Of course, someone with a natural “inclination toward sin and evil” may very well also have a natural “inclination toward having more than one cohabiting sexual partner.”

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CONFESSOR In the days of the early Church—when Christians could expect to be imprisoned, tortured, exiled, or otherwise humiliated for their faith—some believers went through the inconvenience of being persecuted but were never actually put to death. Martyrdom being the fast-track to canonization, this lesser form of suffering wasn’t always greeted with enthusiasm, so the Church created a category for these pitiable, persecuted-but-not-dead saints: confessors.You may also have heard them referred to as “white martyrs,” which totally sounds like the name of a skinhead metal band but probably isn’t. The term confessor eventually broadened to include any faithful person who exhibited heroic virtue, with or without persecution. Which, if you ask the Pocket Guide, is sort of like receiving an

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honorary doctorate for being famous and then making everyone call you “Doctor.” Dude, you’ve got to earn the title. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: After having his eyes gouged out and his tongue burned off, Milo stopped hoping he’d end up a confessor, because martyrdom had begun to look pretty good. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Confessor, a priest who has been given the authority to hear confessions.Your confessor may have been mocked a time or two for his faith, or at least for FUN RELATED FACT his goofy collar, but he most The confessor (and shepherd!) likely is not a white martyr St. Quadragesimus isn’t just (unless he’s in the band). known for his impossibleto-spell name. He’s remembered for having once raised a dead man to life by rubbing dust in his face.

DOCTORS OF THE CHURCH Roman Catholicism’s Dream Team, the roster of which is stacked with a select group of canonized saints, identified for having displayed excessive virtue, wisdom, and the ability to teach mankind a thing or two about God. Due to that description, you would think it was a pretty exclusive club with only three or four members. But it turns out you’re wrong; there are thirty-three of them, one Doctor of the Church for each year Jesus lived on Earth. Happy coincidence? Divine plan? It’s a mystery, but you can blame the last official Doctor, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, for the numerical convenience. The list includes saintly heavyweights like Ambrose, Athanasius, Augustine, Basil the Great, Thomas Aquinas, Catherine of Siena, Jerome, John of the Cross, and Gregory the Great.

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PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: When Deacon

Hitchens fell to the floor with an apparent heart attack, Father Daniel called out, “Are there any doctors of the church? Any doctors of the church?” Needless to say, we were quite surprised when St. John Chrysostom strode down the aisle and resuscitated the deacon with a technically perfect demonstration of rescue breathing and CPR. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Hectors of the Church, a less exclusive and considerably less influential organization “for Catholics named Hector,” as stated by the group’s by-laws. Chartered by one Hector J. Camarillo of Scottsdale, Arizona, the club claims 396 members worldwide. DOMINICAN A member of the Dominican religious order, founded in the thirteenth century by St. Dominic to preach the Gospel and fight heresy. Dominicans were usually known for their towering intellect, their hard-core obedience, and the black cloaks they wore over their white habits. (This earned them the nickname “Blackfriars,” which was way more intimidating than their other nickname, “The Order of Preachers.”) The most famous Dominican was Thomas Aquinas. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Dominicans often identify themselves with an “O.P.” after their names. (O.P. is an abbreviation of “Order of Preachers.”) They’d rather go with a designation related to “Blackfriar,” but B.F. sounds too much like something a twelve-year-old girl would text message. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: The Dominican Republic, whose citizens are too caught up in being baseball prodigies to worry themselves about fighting heresy.

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DULIA See Veneration.

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FEAST DAY A day set aside to honor a particular saint. In most cases, a saint’s feast day coincides with the anniversary of his or her death—having first begun as a way to remember the deaths of martyrs—and, as such, is a celebration of the saint’s passage through the heavenly turnstiles. Due to the large number of saints, almost every day is a feast day, often commemorating more than a dozen different saints. Which is why piety is often associated with obesity. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: The most popular feast day is probably St.Valentine’s Day (February 14), because nothing says “I love you” like remembering a martyr who was beaten with clubs and then beheaded in the third century for refusing to renounce his faith (see p. 107) for more on St.Valentine). NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Thursday.

FOURTEEN HOLY HELPERS A collection of saints known to be especially powerful when prayed to for protection against (and recovery from) nasty diseases. This particular devotion is thought to have developed in Germany during the fourteenth century, when holy help was needed to fight the bubonic plague. The Fourteen Holy Helpers include Acacius (invoked against headaches), Barbara (invoked against fever), Catherine of Alexandria (invoked against sudden death), Erasmus (invoked against intestinal sickness), and Margaret of Antioch (invoked against the odor should Erasmus not pull his weight).

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Also known as: Helpers in Need. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: When Doug

got sick, he called on the Fourteen Holy Helpers to heal him. In turn, they informed Dr. Goldstein that a heavy dose of antibiotics would do the trick. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

The Twelve Apostles, the misfit collection of followers chosen by Jesus at the beginning of his ministry, including early luminaries like Sts. Peter, Andrew, James, and John. Upon sending the Twelve out to proclaim the kingdom of God, Jesus actually did encourage them to “heal the sick.”10 But their assignment was focused more on preaching the Gospel, as Jesus failed to mention intestinal ailments, headaches, or the bubonic plague. 10. Matthew 10:8. They were also to “raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, and drive out demons.”

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FRANCISCAN FUN RELATED FACT A member of the reliHoly Helper St. Barbara’s wealthy, gious order founded by St. cruel father was enraged Francis of Assisi. Officially, when she converted to they’re called the Order of Christianity in the third Friars Minor, and members century. When he attempted to kill her, she identify themselves with an ran from him and hid “O.F.M.” after their names. in the mountains of Asia Franciscan friars dedicate Minor. A local shepherd ratted themselves to a mendicant her out, and she was captured, life of preaching, prayer, tortured, and eventually killed for and penance. They adhere her faith. But not before Barbara to the Rule of St. Francis, cursed the shepherd by turning which focuses on the ideals him into a stone statue and his of poverty, humility, and sheep into grasshoppers. servanthood. Franciscans can be divided into three distinct orders: the First Order (priests and lay brothers), the Second Order (cloistered nuns known as Poor Clares), and the Third Order (laypersons or married people who observe Franciscan principles in their daily lives). The most famous Franciscans include St. Anthony of Padua, St. Bonaventure, and the philosopher Duns Scotus.11 PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Instead of locking themselves up in a monastery, the Franciscans were free to go wandering around, preaching and begging, but in a cheerful

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11. For the record, the Pocket Guide believes there is no cooler name in religious history than that of Duns Scotus.

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way. So if you see a panhandler who smiles a lot, he’s probably a Franciscan. Or he’s high. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: A San Franciscan. Actually, don’t worry about it.You won’t confuse the two. GOLDEN LEGEND, THE See Hagiography.

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HAGIOGRAPHY A biography of a saint, especially one that seems to be overly reverent, admiring, or idealistic. From the early years of the Church into the Middle Ages, hagiographies were intensely popular inspirational stories and gave us most of the bizarre legends involving particular saints, including the one about Saint Margaret of Antioch (third century) who was once eaten by a dragon that was really Satan in disguise. She didn’t stay swallowed, though. She escaped because the cross she was wearing made the demon-dragon’s stomach explode in a pretty serious case of religious indigestion.12 Thanks, hagiographies! The best-known collection of hagiographies was The Golden Legend, a thirteenth-century best seller about the lives of the saints. Most of the really weird, supernatural stories about dragons and miracles and dubious saintly occurrences, including the St. Barbara/ grasshoppers story in the “Fourteen Holy Helpers” entry, come from this book.13 Five stars. 12. More about this story on p. 88 in Chapter 3. 13. And guess what? Even The Golden Legend doubts the whole Margaret and the Dragon story, which is really saying something.

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PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: That book you have about Saddam Hussein that keeps talking about how he used to spend time at orphanages knitting clothes for the children’s dolls? I think it’s probably a hagiography. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: John Hagee, the popular Christian televangelist who is known for being overly reverent, admiring, and idealistic toward the state of Israel.

HALO A radiant ring of light shown to encircle the head of a holy person, especially in Christian iconography. Traditional religious art tends to apply haloes within specific categories. For instance, members of the Trinity (God the Father, Jesus the Son, the Holy Spirit) wear haloes bisected by a cross. Beatified people who have not yet been officially canonized are often depicted with light rays exploding behind their heads, but without a defined circle. Regular saints—from the Virgin Mary to the Old Testament prophets to garden-variety holyfolk—have plain, clean, round haloes. Although some saints developed a reputation for physically glowing at times, most people don’t actually believe the saints walked around with yellow discs floating behind their heads. Instead, it is understood that haloes are merely symbolic indicators of closeness with God, spiritual transcendence, and intermittent weirdness. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: It would be awesome if there had been a saint with a saw-toothed halo, because he totally could have then ripped it off his head and used it like a huge Chinese throwing star to fight evil persecutors, and he would have been like, “Martyr this, buttmunch!”

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NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: J-Lo, née Jennifer Lopez, the patron saint of singing actors, acting singers, ambitious celebrities, and cabooses.14

HAIR SHIRT A coarse garment, typically made from goats’ hair, which people occasionally wore as a way to do penance for their sins by bodily mortification. Because hair shirts are itchy. And scratchy. And not very fashionable. Hair shirts were especially popular in the Middle Ages, and a variety of saints—from St. Francis of Assisi to St. Thomas More— were said to have worn them, usually as undergarments beneath finer clothing. They’re similar to the “sackcloth and ashes” worn by penitent characters in the Bible.15 See also: Mortification. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Knowing it would cause him discomfort, Sheldon intended to wear a hair shirt during Lent until his goat-dander allergies made this impossible. So instead he wore a Bon Jovi shirt. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Robin Williams, topless.

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HERMIT A person who, in order to devote him- or herself more fully to worship and prayer, embraces a life of solitude away from the endless hustle-and-bustle of the surrounding culture. (And the fourth

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14. Admit it: You totally thought the Pocket Guide was going to mention the wildly popular videogame series Halo for the not-to-be-confused bit. Ha! Looks like you’re wrong, Master Chief. 15. See Daniel 9:3 (NIV).

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century, as you might imagine, was overflowing with both hustle and bustle.) Early hermits like St. Anthony of Egypt tended to renounce or give away their wealth before abandoning the city for seclusion in the desert. But deserts can be lonely places—which was kind of the point—so various hermits eventually found each other and lived their lives of “solitude” in small communities.16 That’s right: communities of hermits. Chew on that for awhile. See also: Ascetic.

FUN RELATED FACT St. Mary of Egypt became a hermit at the end of the fourth century after a disembodied voice told her that she’d “find glorious rest” if she were to cross the Jordan River. So the next morning, she crossed, taking with her only three loaves of bread. Once those were gone, she lived only on what she could scrounge up out of the desert. Yes . . . that does seem gloriously restful, as the habit of eating can be a serious energy drain. (See p. 92 for more about Mary of Egypt.)

PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: The most popular hermits were revered for their great wisdom and, as a result, attracted large numbers of disciples. This made solitude increasingly difficult. This also explains why most hermits look fairly irritated in their icons. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Anchorites, or Ascetics, or Stylites— all of which are particular kinds of hermits, just like Bluetooth Guy, Wears-Sunglasses-Indoors Guy, and Guy Who Has No Business Turning His Ball Cap Backwards are all particular kinds of tools. 16. These desert communities eventually led to monasticism.

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HEROIC VIRTUE One of the primary requirements for beatification as a saint. A saint or martyr who exhibits heroic virtue is considered a model of spiritual living—the kind of person who practices good deeds and displays piety as if it were second nature. The term was first applied by Augustine of Hippo to early Christian martyrs. It then expanded to include everyone whose spirituality was so extraordinary it tended to make normal people look like Pol Pot. Heroic virtue is sometimes defined within the Roman Catholic Church as consisting of the four cardinal virtues (Prudence, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance) and the three theological virtues (Faith, Hope, and Love).17 PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: I’m pretty sure I could be a saint, but only if my ability to travel long distances without having to use the restroom is considered a heroic virtue. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Heroic measures, which are those last-minute medical treatments applied in order to save a person’s life during times of extreme injury or illness. Thankfully, the ability to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a butter knife and a drinking straw is not one of the requirements for beatification. Chrysostom excluded, most of the Doctors of the Church would struggle to pull that off.

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ICON A two-dimensional, stylized illustration of Jesus, Mary, a saint, a martyr, or other biblical figures. In the Eastern Church, these sacred images—from the Greek word eikon, which means “image” or

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17. Note that these add up to seven heroic virtues, to counteract the seven deadly sins. Brilliant!

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“likeness”—are venerated FUN RELATED FACT by worshipers and used to Some icons, known by the Greek educate and inform churchword Acheiropoieta (literally, goers. Often, worshipers will “not-handmade”), are kiss an icon, believing that thought to have come into existence miany honor paid to the image raculously. Because they is passed along to the origioriginate from the heavnal. So, by kissing an icon, enly realm, these “icons not you’re kissing Jesus. Which made by hands” are supposed to is worshipful, and not weird be the most accurate depictions at all. of what the subject looked like. So, Icons are highly symaccording to the Lateran Palace bolic and tend to follow Image in Rome—an icon said to particular rules. Colors have been sketched out by St. always have deeper meanLuke and completed by angels— ings (gold = heaven; red = the real Jesus had cartoonishly divinity; blue = human life). large eyes. Angels always have wings. Saints always have haloes. Jesus always has sort of a constipated look on his face and makes odd hand gestures which may or may not be the equivalent of heavenly gang signs. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: I know they’re holy and everything, but those icons of Mary holding Baby Jesus where he’s not really a baby but like this scary miniature person standing in her lap? Super creepy. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: A computer icon, the little graphical representation of an application or document on your PC. If you kiss these, it’s like kissing Bill Gates or Steve Jobs—depending on your operating system—and no one wants that.

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INCORRUPT Describing a body—usually that of a saint—that does not decompose, decay, stink, or otherwise perform as expected after death. A remarkable number of saints’ corpses are believed to be incorrupt and are often on display at their shrines. According to the Roman Catholic Church, a body only qualifies as incorrupt if it remains flexible (stiff corpses need not apply) and if it hasn’t been embalmed. Which means the faces of a lot of Hollywood-dwellers probably couldn’t be described as incorrupt even now, while they’re still alive. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Instead of exhuming Grandma to see if she’s incorrupt, how about we just remember her good deeds and not have to mess with that whole shrine-building thing? NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Mummies.

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LAY BROTHER A member of a religious order who lived and worked within a monastery, often performing manual-labor-type jobs like cooking, cleaning, or gardening, but who wasn’t required to adhere to the intense prayer and study schedules of “official” monks. In the Middle Ages, these were generally pious but poorly educated men (and women: lay sisters) who wanted to serve God within the rule of a monastery but couldn’t read or write well enough to become one of the fancy whitecollar monks. Nope, lay brothers were blue-collar and proud of it. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: St. Martin de Porres, the famous Dominican lay brother, is often shown with a broom, due to his fondness for manual labor. He also appears with a dog, a cat, a mouse, and a bird—all of whom are eating from a dish at his feet—but that’s the result of a whole different fondness. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: One of those sissy real monks with all their praying and studying and book-learnin’.

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MARTYR NOT-SO-FUN RELATED FACT One who gets St. Cassian of Imola was arrested killed or executed in the third century for refusing to for his or her beliefs sacrifice to pagan Roman gods. (martyr is Greek for Cassian, a teacher, was tied to a “witness”). In the stake and given over to his students, early days of the who were encouraged to stab him to Church, almost all death with their little writing utensils. the saints were marBeing kids, they weren’t strong or accurate enough to make a quick job tyrs. Why? Because of it, so St. Cassian’s martyrdom was most of the world a particularly nasty one. was under Roman rule during those first few centuries of Christianity. And the famously peaceful Pax Romana was a great law and everything, except for the part where you had to love and support the empire by loving and supporting the Roman deities. Christians, being less than thrilled about this—and being fairly public about their less-than-thrilledness—didn’t find it too difficult to get into trouble. Back then, death via martyrdom might have included stoning, bludgeoning, crucifixion, beheading, hanging, burning at the stake, and being torn apart by lions. It was creative but horrible. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Linda thought she could have been a martyr if they could figure out a way to make it quick, painless, and not at all scary. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Justin Martyr, a second-century Christian apologist and saint who, it turns out, didn’t just have a cool name but actually was martyred for his faith. It’s believed that Justin, who originally was known by the less heroic moniker “Justin

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of Ceasarea,” was scourged and beheaded while trying to debate pagan philosophers during the reign of Marcus Aurelius. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: keep your distance from pagan philosophers. MENDICANT A member of a religious order who has taken a vow of poverty in order to better serve the poor, preach the Gospel, and follow God. Mendicants were expected to renounce their worldly possessions and live solely on begging or charitable donations. The best-known mendicant order in the Middle Ages was likely the Franciscans. Other mendicant orders included Carmelites and Dominicans. Suffice it to say, most of the beggars back in those days were professional Christians. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Stan eventually withdrew his application to become a mendicant friar, because who knew it would involve such a freaking huge amount of begging? So demeaning. Also, they wouldn’t let him keep his gun cabinet. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Mindy Cohn, who played “Natalie” in the long-running 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life. Such a mistake can be forgiven, though, given the unexpected nickname of St. “Tootie” Francis.

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MIRACLE An action performed by God (either directly or through humans) that temporarily overrules the normal workings of the universe and therefore causes wonder and amazement. Most miracles tend to involve healing from sickness or disease. The beatification process requires at least one miracle to be directly attributed to any non-martyr applying to the sainthood. Canonization requires yet

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another miracle. This keeps recreational saints from diluting the system. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: I may have experienced a miracle during my pilgrimage to the Sanctuary of Our Lady of Lourdes, because after visiting the shrine I tried to find that scab on my elbow from when I slid into second base in the church softball game, and it was totally not there! NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Magic. It is a miracle when you visit a shrine and your grapefruit-sized tumor suddenly and totally disappears. It is not a miracle when Criss Angel levitates above the Luxor Hotel. MONASTICISM What happens when asceticism becomes so accepted a part of religious life that it switches from something oddballs do out in the desert to an official institution of the Church. Monasticism is practiced in many religious settings, including Buddhism and Hinduism, but in the Christian tradition, monastics (whether monks or nuns) are required to take vows of poverty (keeping earthly possessions to a minimum), chastity (keeping physical pleasure to a minimum), and obedience (keeping selfish behavior to a minimum). Monastics are also required to remove themselves from society, whether that means living as hermits or within the community of a monastery. And in movies, they are required to have weird haircuts and wear ugly brown robes. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: I would be really into monasticism if not for all the praying and silence and the abbots’ apparent refusal to install plasma TVs in residences. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: New Monasticism, a recent movement within Protestant Evangelical communities in which

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believers share possessions, practice hospitality, live in deliberate community, maintain close contact with the poor, and bathe irregularly. MORTIFICATION The physical act of “putting to death” the sinful desires of the flesh, often appropriated by mystics, ascetics, hermits, and hardcore monks and nuns, based on no less than the biblical example of the Apostle Paul, who wrote, “No, I beat my body FUN RELATED FACT and make it my slave so St. Theophanes, in the ninth century, that after I have preached to practiced mortification by others, I myself will not be using a rock for a pillow, disqualified for the prize” surviving on nothing but crusty bread and water, (1 Cor. 9:27, NIV).18 In its and refusing to treat the most extreme forms, this intestinal pains that plagued bodily slave-making involves him much of his life. self-inflicted injury or discomfort, typically through flagellation, cutting, or piercing—all for the purpose of spiritual growth. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Throughout history, numerous saints have practiced mortification by fasting, wearing hair shirts, whipping themselves, draping themselves in iron chains, and watching David Lynch films. But not necessarily at the same time. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Mortification, the mid-’90s Christian extreme metal band. Though it could be argued that

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18. See also Romans 8:13 (NIV), Galatians 5:24 (NIV), and Colossians 3:5 (NIV).

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repeated listens to their 1992 album, Scrolls of the Megilloth, may be considered a mild form of self-punishment. MYSTIC A person who regularly has direct and intense spiritual experiences with God, often occurring during times of deep prayer, meditation, or fasting. For example, the Spanish mystic Teresa of Ávila regularly experienced periods of levitation-inducing religious ecstasy. These incidents culminated in a two-year period, beginning in 1559, during which she maintained that Jesus (who, conveniently, had made himself invisible) was appearing to her in bodily form. Not long after, an angel showed up and stabbed her through the heart multiple times with a flaming golden spear. Not only did it hurt her physically, but it hurt spiritually, too. Which was fine, because she could then meditate on the suffering. That’s how mystics roll. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: You know how Kevin always sits in the back of the class with his eyes closed? I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s a mystic. Or a narcoleptic. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Mystic, Iowa, a small town in Appanoose County, with a population around six hundred people. Some believe Jesus has appeared there in bodily form, but like happened with Teresa, he was invisible at the time. So who can say for sure?

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ODOR OF SANCTITY A pleasing aroma—typically compared to a floral scent—that may emanate from the body of a dead saint, from the area around the saint’s grave, or from the wounds of the stigmata. Like an incorruptible corpse, the odor of sanctity has often been permitted as

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one of the miracles required before a person is canonized. It’s proof of a person’s sainthood. Or, at least, proof of attention to personal hygiene. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Aunt Lydia always tried to pass it off as “odor of sanctity,” but we were all pretty sure it was just gas. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Air freshener PATRON SAINT A saint with a special fondness and/or protective relationship with a certain geographical location, church, diocese, occupation, health problem, or individual sharing the saint’s name. Thanks to the whole communion-of-saints scenario, religious people sometimes feel their prayers are more effective if delivered to God via their patron saint, as opposed to coming from a generally unimpressive human. Back in ye olden tymes, powerful figures entered into protective relationships with certain followers. It’s the same today, only these powerful figures are dead, and the “certain followers” have been replaced by, at least in the case of St. James the Great, people who suffer from rheumatoid arthritis. See also: Chapter 4 for a whole lot more about patron saints. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: In a last-ditch attempt to sell more cookies than that tramp Ashley, little Madison hoisted her box of Thin Mints to the sky and prayed to Agnes of Rome, patron saint of the Girl Scouts, for confidence, luck, and sales that would make Ashley cry. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Patrón Tequila, an ultrapremium adult beverage produced in Las Vegas and known for its numerous shout-outs in rap lyrics. The use of Patrón may make your rheumatoid arthritis feel better, but its effect on the sale of Girl Scout cookies is considerably less positive.

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PILLAR-SAINTS See: Stylites.

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RELICS Objects of religious significance—including, on FUN RELATED FACT Throughout Christian history, up occasion, body parts—left to eighteen different abbeys, over from canonized saints. churches, and cities have In some circles, relics are claimed to possess the thought to have spiritual divine foreskin of Jesus, power (as in Acts 19 when otherwise known as the aprons that touched the Holy Prepuce. For an Apostle Paul were useful in embarrassingly long time, healing the sick and driving the Christian faith endured a lot out demons19). This belief of name-calling and hurt feelings, led to a whole lot of virtuthanks to arguments over whose ous creepiness over the years, amputated foreskin truly belonged as churches began to gather to little Baby Jesus, until the Church announced in 1900 that anyone things like bones or teeth speaking or writing about that kind or limbs of dead saints—for of thing would be immediately exinstance, the forearm of St. communicated. Good call, Church. Stephen of Hungary. These prized relics were then put on display to attract spiritual pilgrims. Relics are assigned to three categories. First-class relics are either objects directly associated with Jesus (a piece of the cross or manger) 19. See Acts 19:11–12 (NIV). And it wasn’t just aprons, but handkerchiefs, too. Who knew Paul was such a dandy?

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or a saint’s physical remains (hair, teeth, umbilical cord). Second-class relics are objects worn or owned by a saint (like the famed “chains of St. Peter” on display in San Pietro in Rome). Third-class relics include anything that has touched a first- or second-class relic and are hardly worth mentioning, because wouldn’t a shrine displaying a relic then become a relic itself? And wouldn’t that third-class relic then need its own shrine? And wouldn’t the very concept of an “enshrined shrine” cause some sort of intergalactic meta-quake, ripping a hole in the very fabric of the space-time continuum? Leave it to the Pocket Guide to pose the questions no one wants to ask. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: While you might refer to it as “a disgusting jar of fingernail clippings,” my cousin Henry calls it “a potential goldmine of first-class relics.” NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Trash ROSARY The Catholic devotional practice that uses a string of fifty beads, in groups of ten, to count recited prayers. These prayers typically include the Lord’s Prayer (“Our Father in heaven . . .”), the Hail Mary (“Hail, Mary, full of grace . . .”), and a wrap-up prayer called the Gloria Patri (“Glory be to the Father . . .”). The prayers are arranged into five sequences called decades, and each decade corresponds to a specific mystery of redemption. Which sounds simple enough, except there are several categories of mysteries to be contemplated, from Joyful Mysteries to Sorrowful Mysteries to Luminous Mysteries. Sadly, Hardy Boys Mysteries are not permissible. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Father Ken told Jill to say two rosaries as penance for engaging in premarital sex. But since she had another date with Seth tonight, and since he was borrowing his older brother’s Camaro, she planned ahead and recited four.

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NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Prayer beads, prayer

ropes, prayer cards, prayer chains, prayer wheels, or prayer aids of any other type. These are nice and everything, but were they actually handdelivered to mankind by the Virgin Mary herself? No? OK, then.20

FUN RELATED FACT Around the twelfth century, monks used to pray all 150 of the Psalms on a daily basis. Average churchgoers were illiterate, though, and had trouble learning that many passages of Scripture. So they began repeating the “Our Father” or “Hail, Mary” prayers anywhere from 50 to 150 times a day. It’s thought that the rosary developed from this practice. Unless, of course, you buy into Footnote 20.

SAINT Originally a term used to describe any follower of Jesus, from the Latin word sanctus, which means “holy” or “consecrated.”21 But for most of Christian history (and for the purposes of this book) saint has been used to describe a righteous person who has been officially recognized by the Church (via the process of canonization) for his or her heroic virtue and exemplary devotion. In the Roman Catholic and Orthodox branches of the faith, saints are believed to perform miracles; watch over the cities, churches, occupations, and maladies over whom they are patrons; and assist living humans in

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20. According to legend, the Blessed Virgin Mary revealed the rosary to St. Dominic, the founder of the Dominican religious order. She told him to use it to spread devotion to Christ. But today people use them to pray to Mary. For a monk, Dominic sure sucked at obedience. 21. See Romans 1:7 (NIV): “To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints . . .”

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getting prayers delivered to God. Since an official saint is presumed to be doing these things from a comfortable seat in heaven, a candidate for sainthood must also be dead. Patience, friends. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Yo mamma must be a saint, because it takes heroic virtue to deal with the likes of you. Hey-o! NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: The New Orleans Saints of the National Football League, who have occasionally displayed heroic virtue and been asked to perform miracles, but who are not, in fact, dead. SANTINO An Italian word meaning “little saint,” which refers to the pocket-sized holy cards bearing illustrations of specific saints. Devout Catholics often carry them in their wallets or purses, or insert them into their luggage, or tape them to the dashboards FUN RELATED FACT of their vehicles. This helps In 2007, an Italian company began them remember to enlist selling traditional santino the prayers of a certain images in a digital forpatron saint—for instance, mat, which could be St. Christopher, patron downloaded to a cell of travelers—while going phone, bypassing the easily wrinkled paper about their daily lives. versions. Depending on who you Also known as: Prayer asked—and his or her age—this Cards.

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was either wonderful news or outright sacrilege.

PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: While

on a pilgrimage to Rome, Maria picked up a beautiful santino of St. Camillus de Lellis, patron of doctors, to keep her safe and well on her journeys. She was

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understandably disappointed when she mishandled the card and got a nasty paper cut, which then became infected. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: The Great Santini, a novel published in 1978 by Pat Conroy. The paperback edition will probably fit in your luggage or purse, but you’d need a whole lot of tape to affix it to your dashboard. SHRINE In its broadest sense, a shrine is a sacred destination for pilgrims who seek to show devotion to a particular saint—for instance, the Shrine of St. Edward the Confessor at Westminster Abbey in London. These shrines may be described as “national,” in which case they require the approval of a conference of bishops, or “international,” in which they require the stamp of approval from the pope. More narrowly speaking, a shrine is a small container or alcove within a church, used to contain and/or display saintly relics. Interestingly, something used “to contain and/or display saintly relics” is a pretty good way to describe more than a few churches. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: If saints are supposed to be super-virtuous, and if humility is an important virtue, then the mother of Jesus must feel downright icky about being referred to as “Mary, Queen of the Universe” by her shrine in Orlando. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Yard shrines, those cute little hand-painted Mary and/or Jesus statues—complete with lovely floral accents and the porcelain protection of a half-submerged bathtub22—on the lawns of devout Catholics.

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22. For this reason, such yard shrines are nicknamed “Bathtub Madonnas.” Cool.

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STIGMATA The physical appearance of the Five Holy Wounds—the nailed hands, nailed feet, and spear-in-the-side inflicted upon Jesus during the crucifixion—on a person who is not actually Jesus. And not actually being crucified. The wounds of the stigmata, said to have miraculously manifested themselves upon certain saints throughout the centuries, are considered to be God-given memorials to the wounds of Christ. St. Francis of Assisi is perhaps history’s most famous stigmatic. Catherine of Siena also claimed to have experiFUN RELATED FACT The most recent official stigmatic— enced the stigmata, only her and the first priest to be wounds were invisible. So, so afflicted—was Padre um, pretty much her hands, Pio, an ordained Italian feet, and side weren’t exactly who first received the bleeding or anything, but marks of the crucifixion boy, did they hurt a lot. in 1918. The blood was said Based on Catherine’s to have smelled like flowers, though affl iction, the Pocket Guide’s some skeptics attributed this to grandmother may be a stigself-administered cologne. Anyway, matic, too! Pope John Paul II canonized him

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in 2002. (See p. 98 for more Padre Pio fun.)

PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: Saints

experiencing the stigmata have claimed that the blood issuing from their hands, feet, and sides has a pleasing smell (the already introduced Odor of Sanctity), never clots, and prevents the wound from getting infected. These characteristics make stigmatics popular with blood banks. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Actual injuries to the hands, feet, and/or side.

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STYLITES A special breed of ascetic who thought normal ascetics were great and everything, but to really practice mortification, they needed to be doing all that self-deprivation and fasting and praying while perched on a pillar. Way up in the air. For a really long time. The granddaddy of stylites (which comes from the Greek word for “pillar”) is St. Simeon Stylites, who hoisted himself up onto a platform at the top of a pillar in 423 and didn’t come down until he died thirty-seven years later.23 Also known as: Pillar-saints. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE OR TWO: When Dad climbed that ladder, I thought perhaps he was going to subject himself to bodily austerity and, of all things, become a stylite. But it turns out he was just changing a lightbulb. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: David Blaine, the illusionist/ attention-hound who performed a stylite-inspired stunt back in 2002, standing on a pillar 105 feet above New York City for thirtyfive hours. Unfortunately, his legs got tired, and he had to jump down. He was a mere 13,504 days shy of St. Simeon’s record.

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VENERATION The special honor given to a saint (or, by proxy, a saint’s icon) in recognition of God’s presence in their lives and actions. Often veneration is conferred by kissing an icon or statue, making the sign of the cross, or bowing to it—that is, bowing to it in a “recognizing

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23. For the record, he was lowered down by his disciples after he died, as opposed to dying and then toppling off his perch as a result of being dead. Because you were totally thinking that, right?

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God’s presence” kind of way, as opposed to a “worshipping the golden calf ” kind of way. Also known as: Dulia. PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE: Thinking he was engaging in an act of veneration to a statue of some weird-looking saint, Greg bent over and knocked heads with old Mr. Jenkins—who, in Greg’s defense, was looking a bit pale. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Genuflection, which is the act of falling onto a knee as an act of devotion in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. It’s a similar mind-set—and the blessedness is a shared trait—but the Sacrament isn’t a saint. It’s Jesus.24

24. This applies to Catholics only. For other Christians, the Sacrament is just a symbol of Jesus, not the Real Thing. And yes, from the outside looking in, it seems very weird.

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Saints You Should Know (A–F) ack in the Old Testament, God gave his chosen people, the ancient Israelites, perhaps the most difficult assignment in human history: “Be holy, because I am holy.”1 He wanted his people to be set apart from all the neighboring pagan tribes and polytheistic giants that stood in their way as they headed for the Promised Land, and the pursuit of holiness was a good way for them to stand out. Thanks to original sin and whatnot, a life of sanctity was easier said than done. But those plucky Hebrews gave it a shot,

B

1. Leviticus 19:2 (NIV).

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and the results were . . . interesting. They followed strange customs, like monotheism. They submitted to bewildering rules and regulations, like executing people who gathered wood on the Sabbath.2 They adopted peculiar ways of dress (one word: tassels). Holiness, it seems, is like wearing a chicken costume to a blacktie event. When everyone else is glammed up in tuxedos and formalwear, it’s hard to conceal the yellow feathers. Piety gets attention. That’s how it was for the saints in Christian history. If you want to devote your life to God, they reasoned, then that life will be at odds with the world, with a distinct emphasis on the “odd” part. From the early martyrs of the third century to the radical monks of the Middle Ages, there weren’t too many saints a normal person would consider to be, well, normal. Most of these saints were prone to amazing displays of godliness, of course, and they’ll impress you with their fidelity in the midst of torture or their penchant for selfdenial in the pursuit of God. That stuff ’s inspiring. But they were also prone to fits of levitation. They tried to evangelize animals. And sometimes they had mystical experiences in which they got married to Jesus (ahem, St. Catherine of Alexandria). Those activities are too bewildering to be inspiring. Nevertheless, the Pocket Guide is here to educate, not to judge.3 By some estimates, there are around ten thousand canonized and/or beatified people in the history of the Roman Catholic and Orthodox churches. In order to produce a book that really does fit in a pocket—not to mention a book that you’ll be able to finish without encountering drool—most of those saints don’t appear in these 2. Numbers 15:32–36 (NIV). Poor guy. 3. Well, maybe a little judging wouldn’t hurt. It’s hard not to make fun of stories like the one about St. Christopher. It’s coming up in a few pages, so get ready.

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pages. But the important ones? They’re all here. In this chapter and the next, you’ll find a subjective compilation of the most famous, most important, and most interesting saints in the annals of Christianity. In fact, their lives are way more fascinating than this lame introduction, so let’s just get on with it already.

ST. AMBROSE Italy (337–397) Feast day: December 7 Ambrose, the fourth-century bishop of Milan, was no churchman. He was merely a governor, until the existing bishop died. People were upset. Teeth were gnashed. Riots broke out. Ambrose was trying to calm everyone down in a public assembly when a child’s voice suddenly cried out, “Ambrose for bishop!” (This was a peculiar sentiment, because though Ambrose was a good guy and everything, he hadn’t even been Obligatory Weird Miracle Story baptized. Prophetic children just cannot When Ambrose was a baby, a swarm of be trusted to think bees landed on his face but didn’t sting things through.) Behim. They did, however, leave a single fore long, the whole drop of honey behind, as a symbol of the crowd had taken up eloquence that, someday, would be his. the chant. A week Check out the bees, rocking the prolater? Ambrose was phetic metaphor. Who knew? named bishop. And it’s a good thing, because Ambrose turned into an acclaimed leader and ended up one of the Doctors of the Church.

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Upon getting his pointy bishop’s hat (which he put on right after being baptized), Ambrose gave all his property to the poor and started learning theology. He defended the Church against heresy. He preached powerful sermons. He promoted monasticism. He had substantial influence among the ruling Roman empire. He could even read silently!4 Truly he was a man of God. RANDOM FACT: It was a powerful sermon by Ambrose that led to the eventual conversion of St. Augustine in 386.

ST. ANSELM Italy (1033–1109) Feast day: April 21 Anselm was a Benedictine monk, writer, theologian, Doctor of the Church, and Archbishop of Canterbury. As archbishop, he did all kinds of notable stuff—including getting into serious theological scrapes with King William and his successor, King Henry I—but Anselm is best known for his contributions to the world of philosophy. His most famous idea is usually called the “ontological proof for the existence of God,” which admittedly sounds like a torture device used to bore a person to death. But it’s not. In fact, it’ll blow

4. Back then, apparently, all reading was done aloud. In his Confessions, Augustine makes a big deal about how, when Ambrose read, “his eyes scanned the page and his heart sought out the meaning, but his voice was silent and his tongue was still.” How about you? Was your tongue still as you read this footnote? Please say yes. (Confessions, VI. 3)

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your mind. According to Anselm, God could be defined as something “that than which nothing greater can be conceived.” But mankind seems to be able to conceive of God, which means God somehow exists in our minds, right? Then is there anything greater than existence in our minds? Why yes, there is: existence in reality, because most hypothetical people will tell you it’s better to exist than not to exist. Which means God has to exist in reality, because if he didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to come up with the idea of him in the first place. In summary, God exists, because we think he exists. The proper response to Anselm’s argument, of course, is Whoa. Or also: Dude. RANDOM FACT: Even during his lifetime, people thought Anselm’s ontological argument had holes in it big enough for Jonah’s whale to swim through. A later critic of the argument was no less than Anselm’s fellow-saint, Thomas Aquinas.5 WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: When he was around the age of fifteen, Anselm tried to get admitted to a monastery, but the abbot wouldn’t let him in without his father’s consent, which was probably a good call. So Anselm turned to Plan B. He asked God to make him sick, thinking that maybe the monks would feel bad about his illness and give the kid a break. And guess what? Anselm did get sick. But the stiff-necked abbot still wouldn’t let him in. Anselm got all disillusioned, tramped around Europe for awhile, grew out his beard, and eventually entered the Benedictine Abbey of Bec, in Normandy, when he was twenty-seven.

5. Obviously, Aquinas believed in God, but he thought the ontological argument was a dumb way to prove it, because everybody has different ideas about God. The proof only works if everyone has the same concept of God. Duh.

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ST. ANTHONY Egypt (251–356) Feast day: January 17 Also known as Anthony the Great, Anthony of Egypt, Anthony of the Desert, Anthony the Anchorite, the Father of All Monks Anthony was loaded. His wealthy parents died and left him vast amounts of land, so he had the means to live it up. Until one day, in church, he heard a passage of Scripture being read. It was Matthew 19:21, in which Jesus tells a rich man to “go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” Not one to dally when it comes to heavenly treasure, Anthony walked right out of the church, sold all his real estate, donated the proceeds to the poor, and took off for the desert west of Alexandria. He lived there for several years, at one point embracing solitude so fervently that he enclosed himself in a cave-like tomb. According to some accounts, Anthony spent a lot of time being tempted by the devil with boredom (understandable), laziness (deserts can be pretty draining), and phantom visions of women (isolation can be lonely). Once he and Satan even came to blows—which is rarely a good idea—and it left Anthony unconscious. But at the end of his life, he’d become so famous for his wisdom that all kinds of other societal drop-outs began chasing him across the desert so they could be his disciples. This makes the solitude thing difficult, so he gave it up to live in community with his followers. Which means Anthony wasn’t just one of the first true desert-living hermits, but he was the father of monasticism, too.

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RANDOM FACT: Anthony was credited with a number of mi-

raculous healings, particularly of skin diseases, so hospitals are fond of him when it comes time to choose a name. ANOTHER RANDOM FACT: Once, while way out in the desert, Anthony ran out of things to do. He heard a disembodied voice saying, “Go out and see.” So he went out and saw . . . an angel braiding palm leaves together. Kind of a disappointment as far as visions go— especially when compared to the earlier ones involving phantom hot women—but thereafter, Anthony knew what to do when the desert got boring: sit down and weave. Whee. (You’d fight Satan, too, just to shake things up a bit.)

ST. ANTHONY OF PADUA Portugal (1195–1231) Feast day: June 13 Also known as Anthony of Lisbon The annoying thing about sainthood is this:You’re born to a noble family.You become a friar as a teenager and study under prominent scholars.You meet St. Francis himself, becoming one of his most beloved disciples and friends.You end up a prominent missionary and preach all over the land, winning converts and disputing heresy and being so good at it you earn an unbeatable nickname—“the Hammer of the Heretics.” In fact, your deep-voiced preaching is so widely known you’re forced to address crowds in open, public spaces because there’s no room in the churches. Beyond that, you perform miracles and help poor debtors.You are an impressive, impressive person.

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When you finally die, children weep in the streets and (according to the legends) angels fly down from heaven to ring the church bells themselves.You’re canonized within a year.You’re named a Doctor of the Church.You’re, like, the best saint ever. But how do people remember you? As the guy they pray to when something gets lost. “Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around,” the sing-song chant goes. “Something is lost that can’t be found.” Why does this happen? Because one time a novice borrowed (or possibly stole) a beautiful psalter you owned.You prayed for its return. And apparently God dispatched a terrifying apparition to spook the kid into giving it back. So there you have it, St. Anthony of Padua. That’s your legacy: You’re the guy who locates missing car keys. RANDOM FACT:

When Anthony’s Obligatory Weird Miracle Story body was exhumed Once, while reading the Bible late at in 1263, several night, the Christ Child appeared to decades after his Anthony in the form of a vision. Ghostly death, it was discovBaby Jesus then climbed into the saint’s ered that his body arms and, with great tenderness, stroked actually had decayed. Anthony’s face. Must have been really Which, for a saint, late at night. was kinda surprising. But one body part remained incorrupt: his tongue. Because of all the perfect teachings it had shared. So Church authorities detached it from his body and enshrined it.6 6. Because no one wants to see a nasty black decaying body with a fresh pink tongue. Nope, they’d rather just see a fresh pink amputated tongue.

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ST. ATHANASIUS Alexandria (293–373) Feast day: May 2 (January 18, Orthodox) Also known as Pope Athanasius I of Alexandra, Athanasius the Apostolic Athanasius was an influential theologian, the first chronological Doctor of the Church, and the patriarch of Alexandria. He got his start on sainthood early. According to a story by the monk historian Rufinus, Athanasius first caught the Church’s attention when the bishop Alexander looked out his window and noticed several boys playing on the seashore near his house. They were acting out the Christian ceremony of baptism. And the kid actually presiding over the baptisms was little Athanasius. Alexander sent for the boys, recognized their baptisms as genuine—this was no adolescent water fight but a dead-serious dunkathon—and began training Athanasius for the priesthood. Athanasius is known for being a prolific author of theology (his biography of St. Anthony was probably his most popular work) and for vigorously defending the Church against Arianism.7 He suffered for his stance against the Arians, though, living in exile for seventeen of his forty-six years in office. But a person can get a lot of writing done in exile, so it was all good. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Athanasius really, really, really hated the Arians and was known to use not-very-Jesus-like dirty tricks— including imprisonment, beatings, and kidnapping—to gain the 7. The Arians denied the divinity of Christ, and there was great fear that this heresy would split the Church.

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upper hand on his theological opponents. On other occasions, he was charged with bribery, theft, extortion, and murder. These frequent allegations led to all those exiled years. Don’t go judging him, though: he justified the gangster-style behavior because he was saving souls from hell. A saint’s gotta do what a saint’s gotta do. RANDOM FACT: The first time the twenty-seven books of the New Testament officially appeared in print was in a letter written in 367 by Athanasius, so some Protestants consider Athanasius to be the “father of the Canon.”8 Not the sainthood canon but the books-inthe-Bible one.

ST. AUGUSTINE Hippo Regius in North Africa (354–430) Feast day: August 28 ( June 15, Orthodox) Also known as Aurelius Augustinus, Augustine of Hippo If the saints were presidents, Augustine would be Thomas Jefferson: one of the earliest, most influential, and best remembered. A Doctor of the Church and one of the Church Fathers,9 Augustine was probably the most significant theologian to come along since St. Paul, who wrote half the New Testament. Auggie influenced Christian thinking on a slew of Big Topics, including original sin, grace,

8. Even though he included a couple of writings, like Baruch and the Letter of Jeremiah, that aren’t in the Bible. He’s forgiven for that. He’s also forgiven, apparently, for the beatings and murder. 9. The “Church Fathers” are the big-time influential theologians in the first few centuries of Christianity.

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salvation, predestination, free will, and whether or not Joel Osteen is, in fact, a robot.10 Among other familiar sayings, Augustine gave the world the pronouncement “Love the sinner, but hate the sin” and argued that the Creation story in Genesis shouldn’t be read as having literally occurred in seven calendar days. Which means some Christians revere him, some Christians despise him, but almost all read the Scriptures through a lens that he refined. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Augustine was a serious horndog before converting to Christianity. As a young man, he famously prayed, “Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.”11 Though raised a Christian, he renounced his faith during his late teens and entered a wild life of debauchery and drinking. He lived with a mistress for fifteen years and fathered a child with her before returning to faith (and celibacy) when he was thirty-two years old. RANDOM FACT: In his classic autobiographical work, Confessions (usually known as The Confessions of St. Augustine), he admits to once stealing pears from a neighbor’s tree and how that sin haunted him for most of his life. Not the casual sex. Not the rejection of God. Nope. Just the pilfered pears.

ST. BASIL THE GREAT Cappadocia (329–379) Feast day: January 2 (January 1, Orthodox) Basil was the bishop of Cappadocia, and his family might as well have been the Kennedys of sainthood. Just about every member of 10. Hyperbole. Sorry. 11. Confessions, St. Augustine, Book Eight, chapter 17.

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the clan seems to have worn a halo, including his parents (Basil the elder and his mom, Emelia), his grandmother (Macrina the Elder), his sister (Macrina the Younger), and his brothers (Gregory of Nyssa and Peter of Sebaste).You can bet family get-togethers at the Basil place were notoriously craaaazy. Prior to becoming bishop in 370, Basil spent time as both a monk and a hermit. Though he was only a proper monk for five years, his writings during this period contributed greatly to monasticism within the Orthodox tradition, and he’s generally considered “the father of Eastern communal monasticism.” As far as titles go, it’s a little long to fit on a business card, but it looks great on a résumé. While bishop, Basil fought Arianism, championed the poor, and tried to reform the numerous prostitutes of Cappadocia. Christian theology owes a lot to him, as do all those rehabilitated streetwalkers. Which is why no one argues much with his “the Great” nickname. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: During a famine in 367–368, Basil sold off his personal inheritance—and coming from a wealthy landowning family, it was substantial—then distributed the cash to feed the starving and needy. He opened a soup kitchen and worked in it himself, serving Jews and Christians alike. Back then? Inclusiveness was not a popular sentiment. Basil was a revolutionary. RANDOM FACT: Basil was instrumental in constructing a legendary town-like complex called the Basiliad, complete with a hospital, a church, a travelers’ hostel, and a resident medical staff. This is why he gets to be the patron saint of hospital administrators.

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ST. BEDE Italy (672–735) Feast day: May 25 Also known as The Venerable Bede The Bede gets props here for two reasons. First, his nickname is “The Venerable Bede,” and anyone who earns a “the” before his name is awesome by any standard. Second, he’s the first English historian, which means a lot of what we know about the early saints— from Rome to the British Isles—comes from him. Bede was a monk and biblical scholar but is primarily known for his Ecclesiastical History of the English People, a five-book, fourhundred-page Latin work about pretty much everything that happened in England from the time of Julius Caesar to the day Bede finished it in 731. It’s a weird book, in that he took great pains to cite historical sources and document oral testimony for his facts, but then he went and made up a bunch of dialogue and quotations for the people he wrote about. Also, he told some saintly miracle stories that are a bit too Golden Legend-ish to be believed.12 In addition to his histories, Bede wrote dozens of commentaries on Scripture, as well as works on orthography, chronology, grammar, and other sciences. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: He knew he was about to die but wasn’t yet ready, because he was trying to finish an Old English 12. Like the story about the martyrdom of St. Alban, who parted the waters of a river so he could cross it on the way to his execution. Even better, Bede also describes how the eyes of Alban’s executioner dropped right out of his head and onto the ground as soon as he swung the axe to decapitate the saint.

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translation of the Gospel of John. Finally, he dictated his last sentence to his scribe, then sang “Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Ghost,” then died. If a saint can’t die via martyrdom, dying after a spate of Bible translating and worshipful singing isn’t a bad option. RANDOM FACT: While not the first, Bede was one of the most influential writers to use terms suggesting history could be separated into before Christ (b.c.) and anno Domini (a.d.) categories. Except Bede’s a.d. was dated not to Christ’s birth but to his conception (traditionally on March 25).

ST. BENEDICT OF NURSIA Italy (480–547) Feast day: July 11 Unfortunate Quote from the Rule “But as for buffoonery, idle words, or such as move to laughter, we utterly condemn and exclude them in all places, nor do we allow a disciple to open his mouth to give them utterance” (from Chapter VI, “Of Silence”).13

Benedict was one of the most influential saints in the history of Christianity, and that’s saying something. By most accounts, he was the founder of Western monasticism, which is what you’re called when you write the famous Rule of St. Benedict and found twelve different monasteries. Whatever comes to

13. This quote and the “four-footed animals” one are from the 1949 edition of The Holy Rule of St. Benedict, translated by Rev. Boniface Verheyen, OSB (available online at www.ccel.org).

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mind when you think of a monk? Benedict had something to do with it. It started when he was living in Rome and getting tired of all the immorality there. So he set out for the badlands of Subiaco to live in a cave and pursue holiness in peace. It lasted until people found out he was seriously skilled with the asceticism thing and

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started hanging around outside the cave door, hoping to Obligatory Weird Miracle Story become his disciples. According to legend, some local monks This makeshift comonce asked Benedict, during his cave munity of hangersyears, to become their abbot. He agreed on seems to have anto it. But eventually it became clear noyed him, but a few that he and the monks didn’t get along. years later—at the His first hint was when the monks tried monastery of Monte to poison him (in Christian love, no Cassino, which he doubt). The devious monks served him founded—he figured a spiked drink, but when he prayed a out how to make it blessing over it, the cup shattered. Then work. That’s when he they gave him poisoned bread. When wrote his Rule. Benedict blessed it, a raven swooped The Rule of St. down and took it away. No word on what Benedict sets down happened to the raven. guidelines for monks living in commuRandom Quote from nity and is helpful because it the Rule tells them what they should “Let [the brethren] sleep be doing. Topics include clothed and girded with what to wear, the hourly cinctures or cords, that they breakdown of a monk’s day, may be always ready; but let guidelines for becoming a them not have knives at their sides monk, details of prayer and whilst they sleep, lest perchance worship, the quantity and the sleeping be wounded in their type of food allowed (“let dreams” (from Chapter XXI, “On all except the very weak and How the Monks Are to Sleep”). the sick abstain altogether

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from eating the flesh of four-footed animals”), and other thoughts about managing and living in a monastery. Funny thing, though: There’s no evidence Benedict actually set out to found a religious order. He just wanted to get away from the city and live a righteous life in solitude. When that didn’t work, he tried to give some structure to the whole enterprise. Other than his Rule, there’s not much more to be known about the guy. He was efficient, wise, holy, a little mysterious, and super-important. Which is why the Pocket Guide might have a little man-crush going on him.

ST. BERNARD OF CLAIRVAUX Spain (1090–1153) Feast day: August 20 Bernard was a Cistercian monk, mystic, and the abbot at the monastery of Clairvaux who is generally given credit for the rapid spread of the Cistercian order in the twelfth century. He gained fame as an advisor to popes, a leading reformer of monasticism, and a powerful abbot who helped the Church get past a disputed papal election in 1130. The high point of his career came when his friend and disciple, Eugene III—a Cistercian monk and former member of the Clairvaux community—was elected pope in 1145. Bernard had his detractors, though anyone with Bernard’s reach and authority will have enemies. Even (or especially) saints. But the guy’s influence on monasticism was substantial. By the time he died, there were four hundred Cistercian houses across Europe, including more than fifty in England and Wales. Many of them he had a direct hand in founding.

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WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Bernard played a pivotal role in launching no less than the Second Crusade of 1145–1149. In sermon after sermon, he preached the value of converting pagans by force (just like Jesus did!) and explained how carrying a cross during the crusade could be a means of attaining absolution from sin. Thousands joined up. Husbands left their wives. Fathers left their families. The Church’s bleachers were rocking and Bernard was the head cheerleader. But the Crusade was an epic disaster. Most of these husbands and fathers died. People blamed Bernard. Bernard threw the blame back on the people for being too sinful—which, if you’ll remember, was kinda the point of going. Right, Bernard? Bernard? BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Before Bernard came along, the Virgin Mary was a minor figure in the Christian faith. But he started playing up her role as the mediator between mankind and Christ the Savior, which led to the widespread popularity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, which led to her many appearances in visions, upon moldy walls, and hidden in the burn marks on tortillas. Anybody who can convince the mother of Christ to mystically stamp her face on a pastry has some serious clout. RANDOM FACT: Bernard’s uncle founded the Knights Templar, that shadowy religious order/paramilitary organization that became famous in relation to the quest for the Holy Grail and the quest for Dan Brown to make a lot of money (also known as The Da Vinci Code).

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ST. BONIFACE England (672–754) Feast day: June 5 Also known as Winfrith, Winfrid, the Apostle of Germany A Benedictine-educated young monk and schoolmaster, Boniface was offered a position as a local abbot at an early age. But he felt called to be a missionary, so he left his monastery for Germany. For the next thirty years, he taught and preached among the heathen tribes and warriors of the region. Along the way, he established monasteries, converted pagans, and felled sacred trees (see below). Eventually, Pope Gregory II named Boniface bishop of Germany. Ten years later, Pope Gregory III one-upped his forebear and named Boniface archbishop of Germany. Boniface gets props for having worked closely with both Church authorities and emperors—often creating alliances between the two—for the purpose of enacting reform. Unfortunately, he was martyred in 754. He was on a mission to Frisia when he and his roadtrip buddies were attacked by marauding tribesmen. Assailed by a sword-wielding pagan, Boniface did what any of us would do in a similar situation: he ducked behind a book he’d been reading, holding it up to protect his head. No luck, though: the sword plunged through the thick manuscript and killed him.14 14. The book—complete with sword damage and bloodstains—is displayed with his relics in the Cathedral of Fulda, Germany.

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BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Boniface showed a bunch of pagan

Germans who was boss in the manliest way possible . . . by boldly chopping down a tree. But not just any tree. He felled the Holy Oak of Thor at Geismar, which local tribes worshipped as a deity. It’s the same old story: the pagans thought the tree was magical, Boniface cut it down without being struck by a thunderbolt, and everyone ended up converting. RANDOM FACT: A highlight of the already awesome Oak of Thor story is that, in the midst of it, Boniface invented the Christmas tree. In the gnarled roots of the Holy Oak stood a little fir tree, and in the midst of all the hey-that-oak’s-no-deity-so-let’s-praiseJesus stuff, Boniface employed the fir as a timely object lesson. Its evergreen leaves, he said, should remind them of the “constant light” of Christ. And speaking of lights, he suggested, why not put some twinkly ones around it?

ST. CATHERINE OF ALEXANDRIA Alexandria, Egypt (287–305) Feast day: November 24 Also known as St. Catherine of the Wheel, One of the Saints Who Spoke to Joan of Arc The highly educated daughter of an Egyptian governor—and one of the traditional Fourteen Holy Helpers—Catherine was a powerful figure, despite the fact that most historians believe she was entirely legendary. Not one to let a small matter like nonexistence keep her from doing good deeds, Catherine felt so strongly about her faith that she tried to convince the Roman Emperor Maxentius to stop persecuting Christians. He refused.

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Catherine retaliated by converting his wife. The Emperor sent fifty pagan philosophers to set young Catherine straight. She converted them. The emperor threw Catherine into jail. She converted her guards. Clearly, all this evangelizing had to stop. So the emperor condemned Catherine to death via a horrific execution/torture device called the “breaking wheel,” which spun a person around while they were hammered to death over the course of several days. Jinkies. But when Catherine touched the wheel, the

Obligatory Weird Miracle Story After having told her family that she would only marry someone who was richer, wiser, and more beautiful than herself, Catherine ended up getting married to the only suitor impressive enough to meet her qualifications: Jesus Christ. According to her experience, this is how such a marriage goes down: You get baptized, then you get mystically transported to heaven, then you get hitched to Jesus with his mother, Mary, as master of ceremonies. Then you spend eternity writing thank-you notes like “You were probably wondering, What in the world do we buy the Son and mystical Daughter-in-Law of God? It turns out the breadmaker was a great decision!”

An Even Weirder Miracle Story You might think that after she was beheaded, blood flowed from Catherine’s gory neck stump. But you’d be wrong. It was milk.

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contraption broke.15 Bystanders were injured. So Catherine was beheaded.16

ST. CHRISTOPHER Asia Minor? (third century) Feast day: July 25 Also known as Reprobus, Offero Once upon a time, there was this huge warrior-giant named Reprobus, who became a Christian and wanted to serve Christ. He wasn’t sure of the best way to do it, so he asked a local hermit for some ideas. The hermit told Reprobus that Jesus would probably like it if he helped people cross a nearby river, which had some dangerous rapids and tricky currents. So the big guy began hoisting people onto his back, transporting them past the rapids, and depositing them safely on the other side. One day, a little boy asked to be carried across. Reprobus obliged, and, good gravy, was this kid heavy—not in the “whoa, heavy” sense, but in the sense that he might as well have been ferrying an obese hippo wearing a concrete suit across the river. Wouldn’t you know it, but the kid was, in fact, Jesus Christ, who had packed on the pounds on account of his bearing the sins of the world. On the other side of the river, the Christ child hopped off and baptized Reprobus, then gave the giant a new name: Christopher. It’s 15. The device was later called the Catherine Wheel, and that’s where “Catherine Wheel Fireworks” get their name. 16. At this point, angels (allegedly) transported her body to Mt. Sinai. Presumably, she tried to convert them en route. FYI, the ancient St. Catherine’s Monastery is still in operation on Mt. Sinai and is one of the oldest still-functioning Christian monasteries in the world.

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Greek for “Christ-carrier.” Which is a good thing, because the Greek name for “hippo-carrier” is much harder to remember. FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF BECAUSE: According to Eastern Orthodox history, Christopher was originally a cannibal who suffered from an ancient condition known as cynocephali. Which means he had the head of a dog, not a man.17 You may not be the most attractive person in the room, but at least you’re not a ginormous dog-faced people-eater like St. Christopher. RANDOM FACT: The Styx song “Christopher, Mr. Christopher,” from their 1974 album Man of Miracles, tells most of the Reprobus/ Christ-child story, but leaves out the dog-head part, presumably because few words rhyme with “cynocephali.” LESS RANDOM FACT: There’s not a whole lot of evidence that St. Christopher—one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers—ever existed, and the Vatican pulled his feast day from the official calendar back in 1969.

ST. CLARE OF ASSISI Spain (1194–1253) Feast day: August 11 Clare was a virgin who renounced all her possessions and became a nun after hearing St. Francis preach about his new mendicant order. Though she was only eighteen when she made this decision, Clare’s influence was almost immediate. Within a few years, she had founded an order of nuns at the Church of San Damiano of Assisi.18 17. Really.You’d be surprised how many dog-headed people show up in ancient literature. And in Wisconsin, if the legend of the Bray Road Beast is to be believed. 18. This was the church where Francis received his life-altering vision and which he had been personally rebuilding—see p. 70.

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Among them were her mother and two sisters. They called Obligatory Weird Miracle Story themselves the Once Clare’s poor health reached a Poor Clares, lived in point where she was unable to attend extreme poverty, cut mass, God had pity on her and arranged their hair short, pracfor her to see and hear the mass by ticed manual labor, projecting it in high-def on a wall in her went barefoot, and room, with surround sound. No lie. That’s wore uncomfortable why she’s the patron saint of radio and clothing—deliberately television. And that’s why people who assuming lives more take pride in being early adopters of austere than other technology have nothing on Clare. nuns. Because why be a nun at all if you can’t be the best nun? Clare became a good friend of St. Francis, assisting him in his ministry and caring for him when he was sick toward the end of his life. Convents modeled after the Poor Clares spread throughout Europe in the thirteenth century, especially in Spain, Bohemia, France, and England. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Clare endured the last twenty-seven years of her life in poor health. Despite being mostly bedridden, she spent her time fruitfully, sewing altar cloths for local churches and defending Assisi against marauding armies. That’s right: marauding armies. On two different occasions, Assisi was being attacked by Roman Emperor Frederick II. Both times, Clare arranged for her 19. A pyx was a small container that held a consecrated communion host, usually for sick people who were unable to receive communion in the church. It seems also to have been an effective weapon of defense.

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withered body to be carried to the city’s wall, where she brandished a pyx19 of the Blessed Sacrament. This was a surprisingly effective defensive maneuver and ended up driving the pagan hordes away. How embarrassing must that have been? Commanding Officer: Why did you fail to breach the walls of Assisi? Pagan Marauder: Um, a sick old lady pointed a wafer at us? Don’t judge me!

ST. COLUMBA Ireland (521–597) Feast day: June 9 Also known as Columba of Iona, Columcille, Columbkille, Colm Cille Born in Ireland but considered Scotland’s most notable saint, Columba founded monasteries at Derry, Durrow, and Kells. He is best-known for establishing the monastery at Iona with a dozen companions in 565 a.d. At Iona, Columba assigned himself two pretty big jobs: copying a bunch of sacred texts and converting as many Picts—the local pagan tribes—as possible. As for the copying, he hand-transcribed as many as three hundred copies of the Gospels. As for the evangelizing, which description is more common today: Irish Celtic Polytheistic Pagan or Irish Catholic? Good job, Columba. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Before leaving Ireland for Iona, Columba was tragically responsible for the deaths of three thousand men. As with many violent skirmishes, it started with Scripture.

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It seems Columba copied a book of psalms from his mentor, St. Finnian, but without Finnian’s knowledge. Way more angry than a saint ought to have been, Finnian demanded that the book and the copy be returned to him, claiming he was the rightful owner of both. Columba replied, in a jolly Irish brogue, “Rubbish,” and asked the high king Diarmuit to judge the matter. Diarmuit sided with Finnian, which so enraged Columba’s clansmen that they attacked the king and ended up killing three thousand of the king’s men in the Battle of Cúl Dreimhne. Columba spent the rest of his life wracked with guilt over the slaughter.20 Let this be a lesson to you, St. Augustine on page 52: the deaths of thousands are worth your guilt. Stolen fruit? Not so much. RANDOM FACT: The Vita Columbae (“The Life of Columba”), a seventh-century biography by an abbot named Adomnán, contains history’s first known reference to the Loch Ness monster. Apparently, Columba encountered the beast in the River Ness (which flowed from the famous lake), made the sign of the cross toward it, and demanded the beast go no further. Having heard about the deadly Scripture-copying business, Nessie obeyed.

^ Random Saint Story The collecting of relics from holy people became a big deal in the Middle Ages. So big, in fact, that when the eventual saint Elisabeth of Thuringia died in 1231, a ravenous mob set upon her body and dismembered her.

20. Some historians think his departure for Iona was a self-imposed exile to atone for these sins. If so, Columba chose a lovely place for an exile.

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ST. ERASMUS Rome (third century) Feast day: June 2 Also known as St. Elmo, Erasmus of Formaie One of the Fourteen Holy Helpers and the proprietor of the meteorological phenomenon (and hit Brat-Pack movie) known as St. Elmo’s Fire.21 Erasmus/Elmo has perhaps the best persecution story in history. Dude was tougher than a UFC champion wrapped in rhino skin that’s been dipped in Kevlar. Consider: Erasmus was a hermit who fled the persecution of the Emperor Diocletian. But he eventually got caught, beaten up, spat upon, and “besprinkled with foulness.”22 For good measure, he was rolled in pitch and set on fire, dropped into a pit of snakes, then drenched with burning oil and sulfur. And yet Erasmus continued praising God as if the fiery hot bath was just a refreshing dip in vitamin-enriched spring water. Then a storm whipped up and everyone around him got struck by lightning. The persecutors were electrocuted. Erasmus was not. (Though, really, do you think it would have fazed him?) Later he got caught again, this time by the Emperor Maximian, who (1) draped him in a white-hot metal coat; (2) poured 21. There actually is something called “St. Elmo’s Fire.” It’s a weather phenomenon in which a bright blue light seems to glow from the mastheads of ships when atmospheric conditions are right during electrical storms. Sailors used to view this as proof that Elmo was watching out for them. 22. This uncredited description comes from the Wikipedia entry for St. Erasmus. It’s such a great phrase that the Pocket Guide doesn’t mind using it, even without a legit source. The Pocket Guide thumbs its nose at scholarship.

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molten lead into his mouth; (3) enclosed him in a barrel lined with spikes, then rolled the barrel down a hill; and (4) made him listen to Nickelback for hours on end. Still Erasmus preached the Gospel, and his wounds were attended to by angels. Not long after that, he was roasted on a spit, his eyes were plucked out, his fingernails removed, his fingers nailed to the ground, and then his stomach was split open and his intestines yanked out with hot iron hooks. Finally, this did him in.23 He’s the patron saint of abdominal Obligatory Weird Miracle Story pains, by the way. Please read paragraphs two and three above, then contemplate how long you would continue to praise God and/or stay alive during a similar series of afflictions.

RANDOM FACT:

Erasmus/Elmo is also the patron saint of sailors, possibly because of the everyone-got-electrocuted-but-me story, or maybe because of another story in which he once continued preaching during a thunderstorm, despite nearby lightning strikes.

ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI Italy (1181–1226) Feast day: October 4 Also known as The Povarello (“Poor Little Man”) Francis founded the Franciscan Order, and other than the Virgin Mary and ol’ St. Nick, he’s probably the world’s most beloved 23. Can’t say it enough: Thanks, Golden Legend!

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saint. Why do people like him so much? Let us count the ways. Compassionate toward the poor. Eccentric but happy in a simple, hippie-ish manner. Friend to lepers. Born into wealth but virtuous enough to reject it. A societal drop-out who traipsed around the countryside with a song in his heart. Obligatory Weird Miracle Story A friend of the Francis initially devoted himself to Chrisenvironment, going tianity when the icon cross in the Church so far as to preach of San Damiano of Assisi came to life and to birds and remove told him to “go and repair My house,” worms from pathwhich was falling into ruins. Not one to ways to keep them from being trampled. disobey a tiny talking image of Jesus, Tamed the ferocious, Francis got right to work. man-eating wolf of Gubbio. Impressed his donkey so much with his kindness that the animal (allegedly) shed a tear upon Francis’ passing. Experienced the stigmata. Francis did a lot of stuff, and most of it was good, impressive stuff. FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF BECAUSE: Honestly? It’s a challenge to dig up much in the way of negativity about Francis’ life, because the dude was pretty much a saint. (Rimshot!) He spent a lot of time wearing rags out in the cold, but that was by choice. He caused a lot of conflict in his family, but that was because they were rich and he was disinterested in material wealth. Probably the worst thing about him is this: despite all the greatness, he’s primarily remembered as that garden-statue guy with birds on his shoulder. Tough break.

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ST. FRANCIS XAVIER Spain (1506–1552) Feast day: December 3 St. Francis Xavier is significant for being one of the first members of the Society of Jesuits (having once been roommates with Jesuit founder Ignatius of Loyola) and a prolific Christian missionary. His first missionary stop, after a lengthy sea voyage, Obligatory Weird Miracle Story was Goa, a colony in After F. X. died, his body was packed modern-day India. in quicklime and sealed in a coffin. Ten There he found weeks later, the coffin was opened and— Christians who were lo!—his body hadn’t decomposed a bit. cruel to their slaves, So it was enshrined in the Basilica of neglected the poor, Bom Jesus (literally—and awesomely— and thought very “Church of Good Jesus”) in Goa, where little of traditional you can still see the corpse of Xavier Christian morality. today. At least most of it, because . . . So Francis set about the task of reforming them through preaching, caring for the impoverished, and helping them understand that using their rosaries to count the number of beatings they had given their slaves was not, in fact, something Jesus approved of. From there he traveled throughout India, Indonesia, and Japan, converting thousands along the way by living among the locals and adopting their customs. He died right before he had the chance to enter mainland China for the first time.

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RANDOM FACT: The Church detached Xavier’s right forearm

back in 1615. Why? Because, silly, he used his right forearm to bless new converts, so obviously it needed its own little shrine in Rome. The arm went on a slightly appalling U.S. tour back in the 1950s, and if the photos are to be believed, it’s not quite as fresh as it once was.

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Saints You Should Know (G–Z) hat’s right: Thirty-two pages of well-known saints and we just now moved past the F’s, thanks to history’s tendency to assign sainthood to an overwhelming number of people whose names began with A’s, B’s, or C’s. Nevertheless, there’s still a lot of alphabet to cover, not to mention separate stories about locusts, lions, and disembodied eyeballs. Thanks to St. George, part two of our saintly Who’s Who kicks off with one of the best dragon stories this side of Middle Earth. Plus, there’s a princess to save! And a wheel of swords! Let’s not waste any more time.

T

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ST. GEORGE Anatolia/Turkey (ca. 275–303) Feast day: April 23 A famed soldier, martyr, and one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, St. George was sainthood’s knight in shining armor. He’s best known for killing a terrible dragon said to have terrorized townsfolk in one of two disputed locations: (1) near a lake in modern-day Libya or (2) near the conveniently named St. George Bay in modern Beirut. As the story goes, the dragon’s breath was so bad that it would poison anyone who got too close, so the townspeople appeased it by feeding it two sheep a day. It wasn’t long before the sheep ran out, forcing them to supplement the dragon’s diet with the next best thing to sheep: people. Thanks to an unlucky lottery draw, the king’s daughter, Cleolinda, was selected as the beast’s next meal. On the way to the dragon’s cave, however, she met a strapping, noble knight named George, who promised to save her with the strength of his courage and the steadfastness of his heart! And also the power of Jesus. So when the dragon showed up for dinner, George stuck a spear in its gut, lassoed it with Cleolinda’s girdle, and led it into town like a really ugly dog on a leash. There, George made an eternally significant agreement with the townspeople: He would slay his new pet dragon if the king and the city’s fifteen thousand men converted to Christianity. It was the start of a really good year for local churches.1

1. This story courtesy of—big surprise—The Golden Legend.

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BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: According to legend, George suffered persecution by the Emperor Diocletian, who was probably the dragon’s owner and didn’t take too kindly to his pet being girdlewhipped and killed for Jesus. Sir George’s initial round of torture included being sliced up by a horrible-sounding “wheel of swords,” but, death-wise, that didn’t take. Next up was decapitation. It took. RANDOM FACT: St. George is the patron saint of the Boy Scouts of America. Because scouts should always be prepared to face danger with bravery, cunning, and if available, a spare girdle. LESS RANDOM FACT: Like St. Christopher and a few others, there’s little proof St. George (or the dragon) ever existed. The Vatican removed his feast day from the official calendar back in 1969.

ST. GREGORY THE GREAT Rome (540–604) Feast day: December 13 Also known as Pope St. Gregory I, Gregory Dialogus Gregory was pope for only thirteen years, but he got a lot done during that span and ended up being one of the most influential popes of the Middle Ages. (In fact, he was way more influential than, say, Popes Gregory II through XII. Those guys had nicknames like Gregory the Mediocre, Gregory the Tolerable, or Gregory the Reasonably Well-Behaved. But none of them were Great.) Here’s what earned Gregory the greatness: He was the first pope to begin his religious life as a monk, having founded six monasteries in Sicily and one in Rome. As pope, he brokered a peace deal with

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Obligatory Weird Miracle Story At first, Gregory considered going to England himself to convert the AngloSaxons, until one day he was studying Scripture and a locust landed on the page he was reading. Gregory yelled “locusta!” which is Latin for “locust.” But guess what? It also sounds a bit like loco sta, which is Latin for “stay in place.” So obviously this was a sign from God that Gregory should stay put in Rome and send other people to evangelize the world. Either that, or Gregory just wasn’t looking forward to the trip and needed a convenient (and holy) excuse that totally didn’t involve a tortured linguistic coincidence at all.

the Lombards, took the lead in converting the barbarian Anglo-Saxons, and made significant additions to the Catholic liturgy.2 He wrote 854 highly influential and informative letters, which is why he’s also considered one of the Doctors of the Church. And he did all of this stuff while suffering from gastritis and gout. So how many influential letters did you write during your bout with gout? Huh? RANDOM FACT:

Due to his contributions to liturgical worship, Gregorian chant is named after him. ANOTHER RANDOM FACT: Surprisingly, the word locusta appears in very few Gregorian chants. 2. Gregory’s responsible for the location of the Pater Noster (the Lord’s Prayer) and the existence of the Kyrie prayer (Kyrie eleison; Christe eleison; Kyrie eleison) in the Catholic mass.

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ST. IGNATIUS OF LOYOLA Italy (1491–1556) Feast day: July 31 Also known as Ignacio (Íñigo) López de Loyola Ignatius founded the Society of Jesus, which you probably know as the religious order whose members are called Jesuits and are known for their missionary zeal and educational work. A former soldier who walked with a severe limp, Iggy had one leg broken and the other mangled by a cannonball at the siege of Pamplona. It was during his recovery from the grisly injury and subsequent The Spiritual Exercises surgeries that he converted of St. Ignatius includes to the faith by reading about an entire section directing the lives of the saints.3 the reader to contemplate As the founder and first “The Mysteries of the Life of Christ Our Lord.” This Father General of the Jesuits, section contains fifty “mysteries,” Ignatius sought to create an and each mystery comes with three “army of the faith,” though suggestions of noteworthy things presumably one that would to contemplate. Can’t think of three not be felled by the “cangood ponderables when it comes nonballs of the faith.” He to, for instance, the circumcision dispatched his subjects— of Jesus? No problem. Ignatius has including the great missionthought of it for you. ary Francis Xavier—around 3. Think about it: this could totally be you, because what are you reading right now? (Bonus points if you have a cannonball-mangled leg.)

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the world to teach, create schools and seminaries, and fight against the Reformation. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: When he died, the Society of Jesus boasted nearly a thousand members worldwide. RANDOM FACT: Ignatius is well-known for having written Spiritual Exercises, a two-hundred-page book of prayers, meditations, and contemplative practices to be performed over a series of four weeks. These exercises are still popular for Catholics—and even a few hardcore Protestants—on retreat.

ST. JEROME Bethlehem (347–420) Feast day: September 30 (June 15, Orthodox) Also known as Jerome of Stridonium, Eusebius Hieronymous Sophronius A monk, occasional hermit, and serious scholar, Jerome was a Doctor of the Church and one of the Church Fathers, best-known for having spent twenty-three years producing the Latin Vulgate, the first true translation of the entire Bible. The Vulgate is widely considered the most influential Scripture translation in history. In fact, his translation was the one Christians ended up reading for the next thousand years, despite its vaguely dirty-sounding name. Jerome was also famous for his razor-tongued wit and developed a reputation for merciless sarcasm and arrogance toward literary rivals like Ambrose of Milan. Dude talked a lot of ancient smack. For this reason, he had as many enemies as he did friends. Also for this reason, the Pocket Guide loves him.

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RANDOM FACT:

Jerome is often portrayed in art with a long, white beard and red bishop’s vestments. It’s funny, because compared to the real St. Nicholas of Myra, Jerome looks a whole lot more like Santa Claus. If the real Santa Claus had a pet lion.

Obligatory Weird Miracle Story According to The Golden Legend, a lion once stumbled into Jerome’s monastery. All the other sissy monks fled, but Jerome welcomed the beast as if it were a guest. The lion lifted a paw to show a painful, embedded thorn. Jerome took pity on it, plucked out the thorn, healed the paw, and the suddenly tame lion became his companion. It lived in the monastery with him and learned how to herd donkeys. Aw.

ST. JOAN OF ARC France (1412–1431) Feast day: May 30 Also known as Jeanne d’Arc, Jeanne la Pucelle The daughter of a peasant farmer, Joan grew up in France during the Hundred Years War. When she was fourteen years old, she heard “voices” telling her to save her country from English domination.These voices—Joan identified them as coming from Michael the archangel, Catherine of Alexandria, and Margaret of Antioch4—wouldn’t let 4. Odd that she was able to identify these voices so specifically, as one belonged to an angelic being, and the other two belonged to saints who probably didn’t exist.

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her rest until she convinced the Dauphin (the future Charles VII) to hear her story. When Charles finally relented, Joan went to work. Wearing a full suit of white armor, she led the troops into battle at the siege of Orleans, under a banner bearing the words “Jesus, Maria.” Best part? France won the battle, and the siege was lifted.5 A few more victories later, the Dauphin was coronated with Joan at his side. But the glory didn’t last. Eventually, Joan was captured and imprisoned by the Duke of Burgundy, an ally of England, and Charles VII didn’t seem too keen on rescuing her. Which was weird. The Burgundians accused Joan of witchcraft—how else to explain those voices she heard from nonexistent saints, and those amazing military victories, and also that weird thing where she kept wearing armor and otherwise dressing like a man? But Joan was steadfast. She refused to deny that she’d heard from God. She also refused to stop wearing men’s clothing. She got burned at the stake on May 30, 1431. Joan was said to have died bravely, staring intently at a cross and calling on Jesus until she drew her last breath. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: She was a teenage girl. She led troops to victory in actual military battles. Against full-grown male warriors. Please try to keep up. RANDOM FACT: Legendarily speaking, after Joan died, her executioner reported that he feared damnation for having burned a saint. (Saint-killing was explicitly forbidden in the by-laws of the Executioners Guild.) 5. Historians are unsure exactly what kind of leadership Joan really provided. Was she just a symbolic figure who, as the army’s standard-bearer, boosted morale? Or was she actually a skilled warrior and strategist? What is known is that she played a significant role in a remarkable series of victories in the war. For real.

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ST. JOHN CHRYSOSTOM Constantinople (349–407) Feast day: September 13 (November 13, Orthodox) Contrary to popular belief, “Chrysostom” wasn’t the last name of this Bishop of Constantinople and famed Doctor of the Church. Nope. His name used to be just plain old “John,” until everyone figured out the guy was a highly skilled preacher and public speaker. So they started calling him Chrysostom, a Greek nickname that means “golden-mouthed.” It stuck. Though known as the greatest preacher of the early Church, Johnny Goldenmouth started out his career as a hermit and ascetic. In later years, this asceticism progressed into his sermons. He called out Christians for their excess. He encouraged them to show greater concern for the poor. He scorned the behavior and dress of local women, going so far as to publicly deride the Roman Empress Eudoxia as “Jezebel”—which, in ancient times, was like playing the beyotch card.6 This resulted in his banishment, although the sentence got lifted when an earthquake hit and Eudoxia started freaking because what was an earthquake if not proof that the gods were angry at her treatment of the holy man? So she pardoned John. But he didn’t learn his lesson. Eventually, he insulted her again, which led to another banishment, which led to him dying on the way to his place of exile. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: John wasn’t just bothered by the women of Constantinople; he had a serious beef with the Jews, too. In fact, he preached an entire series of sermons against the Jewish race, introducing the deplorable idea that Jews were solely 6. So-named after the powerful, evil queen in the Old Testament book of 1 Kings.

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responsible for the death of Jesus. He called them “assassins of Christ” and labeled the synagogue a “tavern of devils.”7 In the twentieth century, the German Nazi party was especially fond of this sermon series and used it to justify the Holocaust. All preachers hope their best sermons will outlast them, but when yours find a second home as anti-Semitic propaganda? Not too saintly. RANDOM FACT: John Chrysostom’s jewel-encrusted skull is said to reside in an Orthodox monastery in northern Greece. Hmmm . . . golden mouth . . . jewel-encrusted skull. That’s a whole lot of facial bling for a guy who railed against material excess.

ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS Spain (1542–1591) Feast day: December 14 Also known as Juan de Yepes, Juan de la Cruz John of the Cross was a Carmelite friar known for having been one of the great poets and mystics of Spain. He grew up in poverty, studied theology, and—after becoming a priest—hooked up with Theresa of Ávila.8 Together, they began working to reform the Carmelite order, starting monasteries and calling themselves “discalced Carmelites.”9 7. Walter Laqueur, The Changing Face of Antisemitism: From Ancient Times to the Present Day (Oxford University Press: 2006), pp. 47–48. 8. That’s “hooked up” in the saintly, nonsexual connotation of the phrase. 9. Teresa and John (under her influence) thought that the order had become too easy. They longed for a return to stricter discipline, which for them meant weekly flagellation as a spiritual practice and the refusal to wear shoes, for ascetic reasons (barefoot Carmelites were called “discalced,” while the nonreforming sissy shoewearers were called “calced”). Fun people, those two.

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These reforms, however, upset the Obligatory Weird Miracle Story calced Carmelites. In good Christian The relics of John of the Cross are said to fashion, they seized occasionally reflect, display, or otherwise John and threw him suggest images of the Virgin Mary, Jesus, in prison. He was and various saints, depending on the confined to a closet- needs of the person viewing them. And sized cell barely probably the lighting. bigger than his own diminutive body, and the only time he got to leave the cell was when he was brought to the town square for public lashing. It was during this horrific period that he composed some of his best poetry. A Doctor of the Church, John is considered a seriously influential theologian, and his Spiritual Canticle and Dark Night of the Soul are widely regarded as two of the best Spanish poems ever written.10 Thanks to John, “dark night of the soul” has become a common phrase in Christianity, used to describe a temporary crisis of the faith or period of doubt and disillusionment that ultimately leads to spiritual growth. Which seems a good way to describe the process of being imprisoned and tortured by fellow Christians when all you wanted was for them to stop wearing shoes. RANDOM FACT: Before becoming a friar, John was apprenticed as a silkweaver. But he wasn’t very good at it, so he went with mystical poetry, which is always a good back-up career plan. 10. If you’re like the Pocket Guide, right now you’re trying to think of another great Spanish poem, and you are finding it extraordinarily difficult. No, “La Bamba” doesn’t count.

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ST. LUCY Syracuse, Italy (283–304) Feast day: December 13 Also known as St. Lucia, St. Lukia All anyone knows for sure about Lucy was that she was martyred in the Diocletian persecutions of 304. Everything else is pretty much the stuff of legend, but boy is it a good legend. Lucy was a wealthy and attractive Sicilian who was always giving her stuff to the poor and turning down marriage offers. One of these denials got her killed. Lucy’s mom had arranged for her daughter to marry a pagan groom, but Lucy (bless her heart) figured that the dowry money would be better spent if given to the poor. And as a personal bonus, she would get to retain her prized virginity! Yay, virginity! The ditched bridegroom was none too pleased at this turn of events, so he blew the whistle on Lucy’s excessive holiness and reported her to the Roman authorities. It was illegal to execute a virgin, so the first order of business was to remove that obstacle. The judge sent Lucy to a brothel, but when the guards tried to take her there, Lucy became mysteriously heavy. So heavy, in fact, they couldn’t move her. Holy miraculous density!11 Change of plans, then. Setting aside the no-virgin-killing clause, they tried to burn her. It didn’t work, so a sword was plunged into her throat.Yet still, Lucy prophesied against her tormentors. Then 11. Perhaps they should have called on St. Christopher to help. If he could carry the sins of the world across a river, surely he could shove a virgin into a brothel.

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her eyes were gouged out, but by a special act of grace God allowed her to see. Before long, though, she ran low on martyrdom repellant and died. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE:

Another disturbing eyeball story has Lucy being bothered by a particular suitor who wouldn’t leave her alone. The cad kept telling her how much he admired her beautiful eyes. So she did what anyone else would do: she cut out her own eyes and handed them over to the stalker. Of course, God then miraculously restored her sight, so apparently He was cool with the whole nasty scenario. RANDOM FACT: Speaking of nasty, most paintings or statues of Lucy show her holding her plucked-out eyes on a platter. Except for the painting above.

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ST. MARGARET OF ANTIOCH Antioch (third century?) Feast day: July 20 Also known as Margaret the Virgin, Marina, One of the Saints Who Spoke to Joan of Arc Fiction alert! As far back as 494, Pope Gelasius was declaring that the legend of Margaret, one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, was pretty much all made up. Even The Golden Legend was suspicious about her existence. But anyway, here’s how the story goes: Young Margaret was the daughter of a pagan priest. Nothing was out of the ordinary—just the ordinary third-century life of an ordinary thirdcentury pagan family—until Margaret became a Christian. Uh-oh. Margaret got kicked out of her home. But it wasn’t so bad, because she assumed a quiet life herding sheep. The soft, fuzzy pastoral life didn’t last long, though. Somehow the governor of Antioch encountered her out in the fields and tried to seduce her. She refused his advances, which resulted in her being imprisoned, tortured, and swallowed by a dragon that suddenly appeared in her cell. Only it wasn’t really a dragon, but something even worse: Satan in disguise. After having been eaten, though, Margaret engineered her own escape when she poked the dragon’s guts with the cross she was wearing. And, as everyone knows, dragons and/or satanic deities are allergic to crosses. This turn of events forced the beast’s guts to tear open. Margaret was disgorged.12 See? Totally believable. 12. That’s why Margaret’s the patron saint of childbirth. No lie.

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WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Margaret’s martyrdom was particu-

larly tricky because she was well-nigh indestructible. First, naturally, there was the dragon. Then her executioners tried to burn her. Then they tried to drown her in a cauldron of boiling water. Each time she was miraculously saved and everyone in attendance was converted to the faith.Yay! Until the executioners lopped off her head . . . and then, for good measure, killed all the newly converted hangers-on. Ouch. Moral of the story? Die easy. RANDOM FACT: In religious art, Margaret is almost always shown with a dragon. It’s usually a peaceful-looking dragon, and you totally can’t tell that it once ate her, or that its guts got ripped apart by her cross, or that it’s, you know, Satan. Dragons can be so inscrutable.

ST. MARTIN DE PORRES Peru (1579–1639) Feast day: November 3 Martin started out as only a lay helper at a Dominican monastery in Lima, Peru. He was just a guy who wanted to serve, but due to his racial status—he was the illegitimate son of a Spanish nobleman and a free black woman—he couldn’t become an official priest or monk. But then he showed an intense love for the poor, and displayed extraordinary piety, and tossed in some miraculous healings on top of that. The Dominicans were impressed, so they made Martin de Porres (“of the poor”) a full-fledged lay brother. He became known throughout Lima for his devotion to prayer, his compassion for the sick, his flair for the miraculous, and his ability to control and pacify animals. That’s why he’s often depicted

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with a dog, cat, bird, and mice eating all friendly-like from the same dish. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Martin always wanted to be a missionary, but he never ventured outside of Lima. Or so it would seem. According to some sources, however, Martin had the super-virtuous gift of bilocation: he could be in two places at once. So despite having never lived anywhere but Lima, witnesses claimed he made personal appearances, during his lifetime, in Obligatory Weird Miracle Story What, the bilocation isn’t enough? Here’s China, Japan, Algeria, Mexico, and Africa. more: When Martin died, most of Lima showed up to view his body. Each person was allowed to snip off a piece of his habit so they could have a personal relic. The snipping continued all day, and it’s believed that, in total, the townspeople removed the material equivalent of at least three full habits from his body. And it’s not like he wore an XXL-sized habit or anything, either.

RANDOM FACT:

Martin believed all work to be sacred and served his monastery by taking on a number of menial jobs, including work as a gardener and barber. For this reason, he called himself “Brother Broom” and is often depicted holding one. It makes sense that the patron saint of barbers would have a broom as a prop. But making the dark-skinned patron saint of mixed-race people carry a broom? Sorta embarrassing these days.

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What About the Virgin Mary? Is She a Saint or What? Identifying the Virgin Mary as a saint is sort of like identifying Martin Luther King Jr. as a preacher. While technically accurate, it’s not a complete description. Mary is regarded as a saint with special status—she’s ranked a little higher than the other saints. The technical name for her standing is hyperdulia, which is a step beyond dulia or veneration, the honor given to saints and angels as the servants of God. This means Mary is closer to God than other saints, which means you have a better chance of getting your prayers answered when you send them up through her, because you know how moms can be with their sons. From as far back as the Council of Ephesus in 431, Mary has been known as Theotokos, a Greek word that literally translates as “Godbearer,” which is a little misleading but flows off the tongue better than, “Mother, not really of God but of Jesus, who is the Son of God but was also fully God and fully man so it’s all the same.” In Christian theology, Mary has been likened to the “second Eve.” The first Eve was given the choice to obey God but refused by eating the fruit. Mary said yes to God by carrying his Son. Some theologians consider this act to have counteracted the harm done to mankind by Eve’s disobedience. Others think everyone’s getting way too worked up over a teenage peasant girl who was indeed “full of grace”13 but not so holy that she was immaculately conceived and was perpetually a virgin and was assumed body and soul into heavenly glory and has been given to making public appearances on grilled cheese sandwiches. At any rate, there’s very little known about her life other than a few verses in the New Testament. We know next to nothing of what happened to Mary after the crucifixion, or when or how she died. Many of the common Catholic beliefs about Mary—including her perpetual virginity, conception, assumption, and that coveted “Queen of the Universe” title—developed later in history. 13. The “full of grace” description is lifted verbatim from Luke 1:28. Another significant verse is Luke 1:48, in which Mary proclaims “. . . all generations will call me blessed” after she learns about her pregnancy. Nice little bit of prophecy there.

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ST. MARY OF EGYPT Egypt (344–421) Feast day: April 3 Wow. The other Mary gets most of the publicity, but this Mary has a pretty good story of her own. It seems she was an Egyptian girl who left home when she was twelve and, for the next seventeen years, lived as a prostitute in Alexandria.14 This ended when she joined a pilgrimObligatory Weird Miracle Story age to Jerusalem, Zosimas tried to bury Mary in the desert. paying her way by, But he was old and the ground was hard um, “entertaining” and all he had to dig with was a piece the sailors on the of wood. Fortunately, a fierce lion aptrip. Upon arriving proached him. Summoning up his courat a church with the age, Zosimas asked the lion to use his group, an icon of the claws to dig a hole so they could bury Blessed Virgin spoke this saint of God. The lion agreed to the to her and told Mary plan, and together the new friends com- to cross the Jordan pleted the task. And, boy, did Zosimas River. Why? Because have a story to tell the fellas when he got there she would find back to the monastery. rest. 14. According to the Complete Life of Saint Mary of Egypt, written by St. Sophronius in the seventh century, Mary didn’t always accept money for her prostitute-y activities. Apparently she just liked that kind of thing. A whole lot. In her words, “I was like a fire of public debauch.” Well said.

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So Mary took the talking icon’s advice. Packing three loaves of bread, she walked across the river and lived the rest of her life in solitude in the desert. When the bread ran out, she ate dates and berries. When her clothes fell apart, she just grew her hair long and arranged it, Garden of Eden-style, to cover the naughty bits. Late in her life, a monk named Zosimus encountered her in the desert. She was naked, wild-haired, and barely human. She explained her story to him. Then she died. RANDOM FACT: In iconography, Mary is usually shown with gray hair, an abundance of wrinkles, and a killer tan. Which, after forty years of desert nudity, seems pretty accurate.

ST. THOMAS MORE London (1478–1535) Feast day: June 22 The former Lord Chancellor of England (a powerful position, second only to the king), More wasn’t just a friend and advisor to King Henry VIII. Nope, he was also a lawyer, scholar, author, public servant, and devoted father. But that didn’t keep the king from executing him when More did three unacceptable things in rapid succession. First, he opposed the king’s divorce from Catherine of Aragon so Henry could marry his royal crush, Anne Boleyn. Then, More refused to attend Anne Boleyn’s coronation as queen because the legality of Henry’s marriage to Catherine was still in question (saints tend to frown on polygamy). And third, he refused to swear his allegiance to the Act of Succession, which required him to admit that all the previous drama

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was for nothing—that the first marriage had been nullified and the second marriage was perfectly valid. To top it all off, certain parts of the oath were anti-pope, and a good saint like More would have none of that. Opposing the Act of Succession was a big no-no, so despite his integrity and loyalty, More got tossed into prison for high treason. Not long afterward, he was condemned to death by beheading.15 Before dying, he announced he was “the king’s good servant, but God’s first.” BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: More wasn’t just a good politician but a man of letters, too. He wrote the famous Latin novel Utopia, about a perfect society. This gave rise to the modern English word utopia, which means “a perfect society.” For Thomas More, a perfect society would probably be one where people remembered what actually happened in his novel and not just some goofy new word that came out of it. RANDOM FACT 1: Thomas More had a pet monkey.16 RANDOM FACT 2: After his death, More’s body was buried in the church of St. Peter ad Vincula at the Tower of London, but his head was displayed over London Bridge for a month. His skull now resides at St. Dunstan’s in Canterbury.

15. At More’s trial, Thomas Cromwell, one of the king’s advisors, testified that More had flat-out denied that the king was the ultimate head of the Church. More might have been declared innocent of everything if not for Cromwell’s statement, which was probably perjured. 16. For real. It says so in the Oxford Dictionary of Saints (4th ed.), on p. 355. Look it up.

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ST. NICHOLAS Asia Minor (270–343) Feast day: December 6 Also known as St. Nicolas of Bari, the Bishop of Myra, Old St. Nick, Sinterklaas, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas Hang on! Santa Claus was a saint? True story. Probably. St. Nicholas, the fourth-century Bishop of Myra, has been one of the most widely venerated saints in all of Christendom, but very little hard evidence about his life exists. Most of what we know comes from an ancient work called the Obligatory Weird Miracle Story Acts of St. Nicholas, To this day, true believers claim St. Nick’s and it tells some bones—located in his crypt in Bari, Italy, excellent stories on on the Adriatic Sea—leak out a clear, par with The Golden watery liquid every year on the day of his Legend. feast. The substance is miraculous and a For instance, powerful healing agent, they say, and not in a year of horat all the result of the high humidity of rible famine, a local their coastal environment. butcher, in need of meat to sell, lured three unsuspecting boys into his shop. He chopped the boys into pieces, then stuffed their remains in a brine tub, hoping to preserve the meat so he could sell the parts as ham. Upon visiting the afflicted region at the time of the crime, Nicholas—his saintly Spidey

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sense all a-tingle—became aware of the butcher’s wicked deed. He visited the shop, uncovered the crime, and miraculously reassembled the three boys. They came back to life, a bit saltier than normal but otherwise fine. (For various reasons, this tale never really caught on as the subject of Christmas carols.)17 BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Nicholas was said to have been superholy and virtuous from infanthood, even refusing to nurse on days devoted to fasting. Instead, he’d just stand on his little baby legs and praise God.You hear that, twenty-first-century infants? You sluggards lying around drooling on your pacifiers and blankies and Baby Einstein DVDs? Get up off your soggy diapers and raise the roof for Jesus!

ST. PATRICK Ireland (fifth century) Feast day: March 17 Also known as Patricius, Naomh Pádraig, Gaewyn Sure, the dragon-slayers and hermits and pillar-sitters have been weird, but here’s where sainthood really gets fun, because: Pirates! St. Patrick, Ireland’s beloved saint and the sole reason for the existence of green beer, was born in Britain. But as a teenager, he was kidnapped by—wait for it—pirates and sold as a slave to an Irish landowner. The master forced the young lad to tend sheep, and 17. In another story, Nicholas saved three unmarried virgins from prostitution by tossing purses of gold coins down their chimney, which their father used as dowries to get them married to respectable husbands. That’s where the Santa-bringingpresents-down-the-chimney thing comes from—the prevention of prostitution! Bust out that factoid at your next Christmas party. Tell ’em the Pocket Guide sent you.

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Patrick whiled away the long, boring Obligatory Weird Miracle Story hours by praying. A lot. By his account, Legend has it that a druid chieftain up to a hundred named Dichu tried to stop Patrick from times a day. Several entering Ireland as a missionary. Dichu years into his slavery, lifted his sword to smite him, but Dichu’s God appeared to arm suddenly became rigid, and he was him in a dream and unable to move it until he pledged his told him to head for obedience to Patrick. And thus Dichu the coast. So Paddy became the saint’s first convert. escaped (or was freed . . . the historical account is fuzzy), traveled some two hundred miles to a seaport, befriended a few burly sailors, and enjoyed a little more adventure on the high seas before returning to his family. Patrick then entered the Church and began training for the priesthood. Before long, another vision—in this one he heard the people of Ireland calling him “to come and walk among us”— convinced him to return to the land of his slavery. So he did, and is known for a variety of pious activities there, which may or may not have actually occurred. These include the following: (1) performing countless miracles and converting thousands of people, including pagan kings and their entire kingdoms; (2) explaining the concept of the Trinity by using a three-leaf shamrock; and (3) driving all the snakes out of Ireland by herding them into the sea, which is why he is often depicted with a handful of slithery companions.18 18. It should be noted that the surrounded-by-water, post-glacial geography of Ireland has never been a very good snake habitat, so giving St. Patrick credit for the lack of snakes in Ireland is like giving Frank Sinatra credit for the lack of polar bears in Las Vegas. Most historians think the “snakes” are a metaphor for the pagan Druids.

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RANDOM FACT: Some historical sources claim St. Patrick died in 461. But the Annals of Ulster, an ancient chronicle of Irish history, reports that Patrick was born in 373 and died in 493. The Pocket Guide can’t solve the matter, but this is certain: Living another three decades after everyone thinks you’ve died? No picnic.

ST. PADRE PIO Italy (1887–1968) Feast day: September 23 Also known as Francesco Forgione, Pio of Pietrelcina Born Francesco Forgione in the southern Italian farming town of Pietrelcina, Pio was a Capuchin friar (an offshoot of the Franciscans) and a priest who—thanks to a bunch of miracles and other pietyrelated oddities—became one of the most famous Catholics of the twentieth century. What made Padre Pio so saintly? The list is long. He experienced religious visions and spiritual ecstasies. He experienced the stigmata, both invisible (his hands hurt real bad) and visible (his hands hurt and oozed blood). He got stabbed in the side by Jesus (allegedly), leaving a physical wound.19 He healed people, bilocated, levitated, prophesied, smelled miraculously wonderful, heard confessions for hours on end, hardly ever slept, and generally behaved in a super-saintly manner. Most of this occurred during and around World War I, and Pio began to be seen as a beacon of hope toward the end of the war. 19. The Church calls this experience transverberation, and it’s generally seen as evidence of a deep, loving union with God. Or, according to skeptics, as evidence that he tripped and fell onto the corner of the communion table.

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This made him famous, but it also made him the subject of plenty of skepticism, personal attacks, and even papal investigation (he was accused of faking his stigmata with self-administered acid). Pio carried on, though, and died in 1968. More than 100,000 people attended his funeral. He was canonized in 2002 by John Paul II. FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF BECAUSE: Pio was allegedly tormented, over a period of several years, by the Devil himself, who seemed to have a fondness for showing up in disguise. Sometimes Lucifer came as St. Francis. Sometimes it was the Blessed Virgin. Sometimes he even appeared in the form of young, dancing, naked girls. Pio once claimed that his spiritual “enemies” would physically attack him, even to the point of ripping off his shirt and beating him mercilessly. While this was never much fun, it was more tolerable when the clothing removal came courtesy of the naked Satanic dancing girls. When St. Francis did it? Un-freakin’-comfortable. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Pio was accused of a lot of unsaintly behavior, too, and it didn’t just involve the stigmata fakery. These charges covered a host of different misdeeds, including abusing church finances, engaging in confession-booth sex, and exhibiting

^ Random Saint Story St. Romuald was a well-respected monk back in the eleventh century. His friends and neighbors knew he’d end up a saint. So when he announced that he was going to move from his village in Umbria, they were disappointed. What if he died in some other town and those unworthy villagers ended up with his body—and therefore his relics? This was unacceptable. So they tried to murder him before the Big Move. He narrowly escaped.

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inappropriate behavior around teenage boys. In his defense, the padre may have thought the teenage boys were the Devil.

ST. TERESA OF ÁVILA Spain (1515–1582) Feast day: October 15 Also known as Teresa de Jesús, Teresa de Cepeda y Ahumada St. Teresa of Ávila was, like her friend John of the Cross, an influential mystic, writer, and big-time monastic reformer back in sixteenth-century Spain. Also like John, she’s considered one of the Doctors of the Church. Unlike John, she was a girl. This made her the first of just three female Doctors of the Church, so big props, ups, and various other hip-hop-flavored accolades to her. For twenty-five years she lived as a Carmelite nun but eventually grew dissatisfied with what she perceived as a lack of discipline among her companions. So she started her own Carmelite monastery for nuns, and people were scandalized by its strictness—which included regular flagellation (putting the flesh to death, you see), a lack of shoes (putting the soles of the feet to death),20 and absolute poverty. More than anything else, though, Teresa of Ávila is known for her mystical writings and experiences. She spent a lot of time in contemplative prayer, which apparently led to spiritual ecstasy,

20. For more about the “discalced” non-shoe-wearers and the diabolically lavish “calced” shoe-wearers, see note 9 on p. 84 in the entry for John of the Cross.

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which apparently led to levitating, and which at one point led to Teresa believing Jesus was present to her in bodily form for an uninterrupted two-year period. One kink, though: Bodily-present Jesus was also invisible. This resulted in some awkward situations when, at mealtime, instead of bowing her head in prayer, Teresa just looked to her left. Because that’s where her personal Jesus was. “What are you looking at?” her fellow nuns would ask. “To whom are you speaking?” “Well, obviously, to Invisible Jesus, sillies!” Teresa would answer.21 And then all the nuns would stare intently at their discalced feet. WHAT NOT TO VENERATE: Theresa was pious from such a young age that, as a five-year-old, she once ran away from home with her older brother. They planned to go to Morocco so they could die as martyrs. It was the weird little religious girls’ version of joining the circus. Only not nearly as fun. RANDOM FACT: There’s a bit of peculiarity attached to Theresa’s date of death. She either died late the night of October 4, 1582, or very early on the morning of October 15, 1582. Why the gap? Because October 5–14 didn’t occur in 1582. The Gregorian calendar was adopted on the day after Theresa’s death, which meant ten days had to be dropped from the month of October in order to even things up chronologically. So after midnight on October 4, the calendar made a ten-day leap to October 15. For good measure, Theresa’s feast day is the 15th. 21. In one of her mystical visions, a seraph stabbed Theresa in the heart with a fiery lance. It hurt, both spiritually and physically. It hurt even more when some people began to wonder publicly whether perhaps these visions weren’t from God, but the Devil. Because why would God impale her on a fiery spear? And why didn’t Invisible Jesus do something about it?

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ST. THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX France (1873–1897) Feast day: October 1 Also known as Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, Marie-Françoise-Thérèse Martin, the “Little Flower” of Jesus For a widely admired saint and one of the three female Doctors of the Church, Thérèse of Lisieux didn’t do much. She didn’t found any religious orders, or convert thousands of pagans, or perform any miracles. She didn’t even get mystically stabbed in the heart by a seraph. But maybe that’s why she’s so admired. Obligatory Weird Miracle Story In her Story of a Soul, Thérèse may have been miraclethe short spiritual challenged during her pre-death years, memoir that became but she made up for it posthumously. wildly popular after A whole string of healings are said to her death, Thérèse have occurred at her grave in Lisieux, advocated sanctity via including the restoration of sight to a what she called the four-year-old blind girl a day after her “little way.” Holiness mother brought her to Thérèse’s tomb. wasn’t found in great deeds, she wrote, but in doing small actions out of love. She called these actions “little flowers,” which is so cute she might as well have called them “little bunnies.” Which is probably why a lot of people are annoyed with her sainthood, thinking her approach to faith to be too childish, too sweet, too sentimental, and way too girly.

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She died at the age of twenty-four from tuberculosis. Despite the hesitations, Thérèse’s popularity as a saint ranks right up there with St. Francis. RANDOM FACT 1: Catholics consider Thérèse to be the patron saint of Russia, but the Russian Orthodox Church refuses to recognize that she’s even a saint to begin with, for the reasons just stated. It’s a little awkward. RANDOM FACT 2: Hardly anyone was present at Thérèse’s burial in Lisieux in 1897. More than 500,000 people were present at her canonization in Rome on May 17, 1925. This, too, was a little awkward.

ST. THOMAS AQUINAS Italy (1225–1274) Feast day: January 28 Thérèse of Lisieux may have been a theological slacker. But Thomas Aquinas? Not so much. It’s hard to find fault with someone whose posthumous nickname is “Greatest Theologian of the Roman Catholic Church.” Aquinas was a Dominican philosopher and monk in the thirteenth century and the author of the famed Summa Theologica, a still-influential theological overview of Christianity. Dude was a serious overachiever. But you would have been, too, had you grown up in the noble Aquinas clan. In fact, little Tommy’s family was stunned when they found out he’d gotten religion in the first place. And they got all weird and mean when he announced he intended to get even more religion as a Dominican friar. The Dominicans were a mendicant order, see? They took a vow of poverty. They begged for food. What kind of super-intelligent boy aspires to a life of beggary?

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So when Aquinas left for Rome when he was sixteen to train with the Dominicans, his family tried to stop him, taking the same steps any overly protective family would take. First, they tried to talk him out of it. When that tactic didn’t work, they kidnapped him along the road and held him hostage at the family home. This also failed to convince him, so they brought in the heavy artillery: a prostitute. They hired an immoral woman Obligatory Weird Miracle Story to tempt him, but Aquinas stopped working on Summa Thomas was unTheologica on December 6, 1273. He interested in her was worshipping in church when a voice seductive ways. All spoke to him from a nearby crucifix. out of fresh ideas, There was also some levitation involved, the family relented. if certain accounts are to be believed. Aquinas joined the Once he had time to reflect on the mysti- order in 1244. cal experience, he said, “All that I have From that point written seems to me like so much straw on, it was gravy. It’s compared to what I have seen and what hard to overstate has been revealed to me.” He never rethe importance of turned to the strawy writing. The Summa his contributions remained incomplete when he died a to theology, phiyear later.22 losophy, ethics, and Western thought in general. At the Council of Trent in the fifteenth century—where a number of significant Catholic doctrines were hammered 22. Should you get to the end of this book and find it unfinished, you may assume the Pocket Guide had a similar experience (but, hopefully, without the death part).

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out—his Summa was placed on the altar next to the Bible and papal decrees. RANDOM FACT: Aquinas was very, very quiet and very, very large, so he earned the nickname “dumb ox” during his early years studying for the priesthood. Dominicans can be so cruel.

ST. THOMAS BECKET France (1118–1170) Feast day: December 29 Also known as Thomas à Becket, Thomas of Canterbury, Thomas of London Thomas Becket was the twelfth-century Archbishop of Canterbury and the most popular saint in England during the Middle Ages.23 As archbishop, Thomas took a remarkably ascetic Obligatory Weird Miracle Story approach to his job, Becket is said to be the reason there are preferring simple no nightingales in the town of Otford, dress, wearing a hair shirt, and reading his Kent. Why? Because one of those stupid birds was disturbing his devotions, so he Bible daily. He also commanded that no nightingale should scheduled regular ever regale the town with song again. times each day for And it was so. Don’t tell St. Francis. attending mass and 23. If you paid attention in high school or college literature classes, you’ll remember that the pilgrims in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales were on their way to the shrine of Thomas Becket when they did all their tale-telling.

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giving to the poor. What he forgot to schedule, however, was getting along with the king. King Henry couldn’t keep his nose out of Church-related business, and Becket couldn’t keep from tweaking that nose when it came too close. The result of their many disagreements was that Becket ended up in exile for six years in France. He eventually returned, at which time a posse of overly aggressive knights overheard King Henry say it was high time to get rid of that dastardly archbishop once and for all. Since they had nothing better to do than assassinate a man of God, they made plans to carry out the king’s request on their own accord. It was ugly. The four knights attacked Thomas in his own cathedral, called him a traitor, plunged a sword through his head, and hacked him to pieces right there Even Weirder Miracle Story between the altars of Think the nightingale thing was impresSt. Benedict and the sive? According to legend, the men of Virgin Mary. Strood, Kent, once came down on the Within months, side of the king in one of his conflicts Becket was being with Becket. As an act of solidarity with venerated as a martyr. the Crown, they cut the tail off Becket’s Three years later horse one day as he rode through town. he was canonized Enraged, Becket decreed that all the as a saint. And King town’s future inhabitants would be born Henry? His regret with tails. And, apparently, it was so.24 for the whole ugly business eventually 24. The nickname “Kentish long-tails” persevered all the way into the nineteenth century.

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caught up with him. In fact, he felt so bad about it that he performed his penance by allowing himself to be publicly flogged as he knelt at Thomas’ tomb.

ST. VALENTINE Rome (third century) Feast day: February 14 So here’s the deal. There were at least three Valentines who were martyred in ancient Rome—one a Roman priest, the second a bishop of Terni, the last an African martyr—and all three share a feast day on February 14. Neither was connected in any way to love, hearts, chocolate, roses, fat arrow-wielding baby angels, the color red, or anything else even remotely connected with the holiday. What we do know is that medieval society used to think that birds mated around February 14, and Geoffrey Chaucer gave this Valentine’s Day tradition a shout-out in his fourteenth-century poem Parliament of Foules.25 At some point, the feast day for the martyrs named Valentine became associated with romance and love letters and matchmaking. But we don’t know why or how, and anyone telling you otherwise is just trying to get you to buy chocolate. BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: Prior to his martyrdom, the priest Valentine healed the blind daughter of his jailer, refusing to let such annoyances as “prison” or “imminent death” keep him from miraculous deeds. 25. “For this was on seynt Valentynes day, / Whan every foul cometh ther to chese his make . . . ,” from The Complete Works of Geoffrey Chaucer, W. W. Skeat, ed. (New York: Frowde, 1903), p. 105.

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RANDOM FACT: The relics of St.Valentine are said to reside at

Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin. And at St. Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna. And at a side altar in the Birmingham Oratory in the UK. And at a church in Glasgow. And at a reliquary in a French commune. So perhaps there weren’t three Valentines, but five. Or maybe the first sentence should just read “the alleged relics of St.Valentine . . .”

ST. VINCENT DE PAUL France (1581–1660) Feast day: September 27 Nicest. Guy. Ever.Vincent was the kind of saint who truly acted like one, pretty much all the time. He grew up the child of peasant farmers, and once he was ordained as a priest at the age of nineteen, he became known as the go-to religious guy if you were hungry. Or sick. Or a condemned prisoner. Or an abandoned baby. Or an orphan. Or an invalid elderly person. Or a refugee. Or a wounded soldier.Vincent covered his disadvantaged bases, which is why a variety of modern charitable organizations have Vincent as their patron. But he did more than tend to the needy.Vincent was also passionate about religious instruction. A couple of decades into his ministry, he realized that the poor in his parish were flat-out clueless about the religion they were supposed to be practicing. So he made an effort to teach them about the spiritual life, training young priests to meet the peasants’ needs while also educating them about their faith. These priests became known as the Congregation of the Mission,26 and they’re still active today. 26. You may have heard the Congregation of the Mission also referred to as Lazarists. Or Vicentians. Or maybe you haven’t heard of them at all. Don’t feel bad.

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BE IMPRESSED BECAUSE: In a male-dom-

inated Church,Vincent bucked trends by recognizing the value of women in ministry. In dealing with the poor, he was quick to recruit female volunteers. Eventually, these volunteers—most of whom were young, single women—became so adept at their work he encouraged them to make a career out of it. The result? The ongoing Congregation of the Daughters of Charity. You’d probably recognize them. They’re the nuns who used to wear the huge cornet on their heads—the starchy white folded thing that looks like someone performed origami with their habit.27 RANDOM FACT: Like St. Patrick, St.Vincent was once captured by pirates. It was the year 1605. While voyaging from Marseilles to Narbonne, the poor priest was set upon by scurvy scalawags, who sold him into African slavery. He spent two years in captivity until his formerly Christian master, who’d converted to Islam, converted back to Christianity. With those religious compatibility issues out of the way, the two of them then became friends. It’s complicated. Pirate stories involving dual Christian/Islam conversions usually are. 27. Sally Field spoofed these habits with her headgear in The Flying Nun, as shown above.

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4 There’s a Saint for That

(PATRON SAINTS AND THEIR CAUSES) n ancient Rome, there were two kinds of people: plebeians and patricians. The plebs were the common working-class people. The patricians were the wealthy and powerful ruling-class people.You would think this would have resulted in a deeply segregated kind of society, with white-collar patricians and blue-collar plebs and vicious gang fights between them. But you’d be wrong, because the Romans were nicer than that. They came up with this system called “the patron system.” Or “the client system.” Or “the patron-client system.” (Thoughtful though they were, no one took the time to actually name it.) One

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of the powerful individuals—a patron—would gather a bunch of commoners beneath him as an adopted clan. The client and patron then forged a mutually advantageous relationship. The client promised to support his patron in any venture, be it political or military or business. In return, the patron promised to use his power and privilege to help the client when necessary. So when a client was down on his luck, the patron would provide a loan. When a client needed to be defended in court, the patron would make sure it happened. Patrons kept their clients from harm. They protected them and solved problems for them. Meanwhile, clients would perform all kinds of tasks for their patrons. Like casting votes for him in elections. And surrounding him, for crowd-control purposes, when the patron walked around in public. (The bigger the entourage, the more impressive the patron.) Everyone was pretty cool with the whole scenario. The early years of the Church coincided with the last years of the Roman Empire, and, thanks to that overlap, Christians spiritualized the patron-client system and applied it to their developing faith. In Version 2.0 (the Jesus remix), saints became patrons, and devout believers assumed the role of clients. So for the first thousand years of the Church, faithful Christians would pray to particular saints (their “patrons”), asking them to use their heavenly privilege and power to help them out in certain situations. It was sort of like asking St. George to use his spiritual influence to see if God could do something about Aunt Helga’s gout. If the prayer worked—if Helga got better after George was invoked— then St. George ended up becoming that person’s patron saint. (And Helga’s, too.) George would then be appealed to for any number of requests.

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But by the time the Middle Ages rolled around, the system had begun to shift a little, to Version 2.1. Gone was the structure where Anthony and Augustine and Bartholomew were all just sitting around like car salesmen ready to pounce whenever a person drove into the parking lot needing some kind of religious help. In the upgraded system, particular saints got attached to particular causes, occupations, ailments, or even animals—anything to which the saint seemed to have a connection. So if you had a request involving, for instance, an upcoming hunt—say you really wanted to locate and kill the Golden Stag of Neuschwanstein1 or bag your limit of pheasants—you would take it to St. Eustace, patron saint of hunting and hunters (see p. 140). Since Eustace was already so concerned with the subject matter, he was the natural person to help you shoot your pheasants. Thankfully, the heavenly realm is stuffed with servants of God just like Eustace, eagerly waiting to aid Alcoholics, Coin Collectors, Funeral Directors, Gamblers, Mountain Climbers, Pregnant Women, Rejects, Swimmers, Teenagers, and Wineries in whatever problemsolving capacity would be needed. Don’t fit any of those categories? Relax. There are lots more. Keep reading. There’s a patron saint for you.

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ABANDONED CHILDREN

St. Jerome Emiliani, who built several orphanages in the sixteenth century and founded a religious society—the Somaschi Fathers—for the purpose of caring for orphans, the poor, and the sick. Kind of a sad patronage to start with, but it’s alphabetical order.

1. Not a real creature, but it should be.

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ABDOMINAL PAINS

St. Erasmus, who once had hot iron hooks jammed into his intestines while being persecuted by the Emperor Domitian. Think of him when you get tummy cramps, because his were probably worse than yours. (See also Explosives Workers and Sailors.)

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ACCOUNTANTS

St. Matthew, the disciple of Jesus. He was a tax collector, so everyone hated him. But he had to have been some kind of financial genius, because YOU try filling out a tax form before the invention of calculators. Or computers. Or write-offs.

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ACTORS

St. Genesius, who converted to the faith while performing in a satirical play about Christians. According to legend—which is a nice way of saying this probably never happened, but it makes a great story— Genesius was playing a catechumen2 about to be baptized, when suddenly he realized he wasn’t just playacting anymore. He believed it, which would have been fine except the persecution-happy Roman Emperor Diocletian was in the audience. The actor’s midperformance conversion enraged the emperor, especially the part where Genesius started yelling at Diocletian for being so awful toward Christians. Diocletian responded by, indeed, being pretty awful: he had poor Genesius killed. Immediately. (The Pocket Guide promises $10 to the next Academy Award–winner who thanks St. Genesius in his or her acceptance speech.) 2. A convert to Christianity who is being instructed in the faith but who hasn’t yet been baptized.

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ADOPTED CHILDREN

St. Thomas More, the advisor to King Henry VIII. After his first wife died, More married a woman with a young daughter. So he adopted his new stepdaughter, adding her to the four children he already had. It is said he loved all of them equally, in a very Brady kind of way. But then again, he was a saint. (See also Civil Servants, Politicians.)

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ADVERTISERS & ADVERTISING

St. Bernardine of Siena, a traveling evangelist who preached, often several times a day, to enormous crowds in fifteenth-century Italy. His pitch must have been pretty convincing, as he’s recognized for having converted pretty much the entire Italian countryside. (See also Hoarseness.)

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AIDS SUFFERERS

St. Peregrine Laziosi (see Cancer Patients).

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AIRLINE PILOTS

St. Joseph of Cupertino, who was known for miraculous feats of levitation. Almost anything would send him skyward, including singing hymns, praying at mass, or simply hearing the names of Jesus or Mary. Then he’d get all dazed-looking and float heavenward until a superior commanded him to come down. Unfortunately, he was also known for being a few jets short of a fleet. (See also Mentally Handicapped People. Not a joke.)

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ALCOHOLICS

St. Monica, whose husband, Patricius, was an adulterous, illtempered, violent drunk until he converted. Their son, Augustine, famously lived a life of debauchery before he converted and became the Best Christian Ever. (See also Difficult Marriages.)

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ARCHITECTS

St. Thomas the Apostle, known for doubting Christ’s resurrection. Despite his initial hesitation, he eventually became a hero of the faith. Later in his life, Thomas traveled to India, where a king named Gondoforus gave him a lot of money to build a fancy palace. Thomas, being all holy and stuff, thought this was a total waste. So instead he used the cash to feed the poor and care for the sick. Gondoforus was not amused.3

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ARMS DEALERS

St. Adrian of Nicomedia, an Imperial Guard for the Roman Emperor, who converted while torturing Christians. Once that happened, his employers discovered him to be less effective at his job. So in return, they martyred him. First, his arms were amputated on an anvil.4 Next, his head was amputated. (See also Butchers.)

3. But in the end, it led to the king’s conversion, thanks to some well-timed miracles, along with Thomas’ promise to design the king a sweet crib in one of Heaven’s swankiest neighborhoods. 4. Patron saint of arms dealers + arms amputated in martyrdom = bitter irony. For other ironic patronages, see pp. 188–189 in Chapter 6.

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ARTISTS

St. Luke, who wrote the Gospel of Luke and whom Christian tradition holds to have been the first person to paint icons.

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ASTRONAUTS

St. Joseph of Cupertino (see Airline Pilots).

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BABIES

St. Zeno of Verona, who was stolen at birth by the Devil (!) and secretly replaced with a look-alike demon. This was exceedingly bad news for Zeno’s mama, who ended up breastfeeding the demon for eighteen years. That’s right: eighteen years. Why? Because the pseudo-Zeno didn’t seem to be growing. Eventually the real Zeno, all grown-up, showed up to rescue his mom—who had to be getting pretty uncomfortable with the whole scenario—and he forced the demon child to vomit up all the consumed milk. There’s a slight possibility this story is only a legend.

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BAKERS

St. Elizabeth of Hungary, who once secretly baked bread for some poor people and hid it in a pouch as she delivered it to them. Her husband saw the pouch, though, and demanded to know what was in it. Uh-oh. But when Elizabeth opened it, she discovered that the sneaky bread had turned into . . . roses! Supposedly this was a miracle, but not a very effective one. Because how many poor people do you see on street corners holding signs that say “Will work for roses”? (See also Brides.)

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BANKERS

St. Matthew the disciple (see Accountants).

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BARBERS

St. Martin de Porres, a Dominican lay brother and miracle worker who served his monastery by doing menial chores, including working as a barber. (See also Mixed-Race People.)

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BARTENDERS

St. Amand, a sixth-century monk and missionary who spent a great deal of time preaching in Northern France and Germany— regions known, respectively, for their wine and beer production. As far as patronages go, this connection makes sense but lacks a dramatic back story.You know what would have been better? If the patron saint of bartenders had been some priest who cut off the communion wine when his parishioners started using it to get plastered. And then they martyred him in a drunken rage. Surely there’s a story like that somewhere in Church history. (See also Wineries.)

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BEEKEEPERS

St. Ambrose, who, as a baby, had a swarm of bees land on his face—not to sting him but to leave a single drop of honey behind as a prophecy about the future power of his preaching. Unfortunately, Ambrose’s mom thought it was snot and just wiped it clean with a tissue. Way to ruin a good relic.

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BEGGARS

St. Martin of Tours, who as a soldier was once riding in full regalia when he saw a mostly naked beggar shivering in the cold. He cleaved his own lamb’s-wool cloak in two with his sword and handed the half-cloak to the beggar. Martin then dreamed that the beggar was Jesus, which led to Martin’s subsequent conversion. (See also Geese, Soldiers.)

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BLACK PEOPLE

Benedict the African (a.k.a. Benedict the Black, a.k.a. Benedict the Moor), an ex-slave who was granted his freedom at the age of eighteen but who chose to continue serving his master out of love. He freely shared his earnings with others and maintained a cheerful disposition, despite incessant mockery of his skin tone, his heritage, and his willingness to work as a servant.

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BLIND PEOPLE

St. Lucy, an early martyr whose eyes were gouged out at one point during her persecution.5 Don’t worry, though: God miraculously restored her eyeball-less sight.

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BLOOD BANKS

St. Januarius/Gennaro, a martyr whose alleged blood is stored as a relic at the Cathedral of Naples. Supposedly, when a vial containing the dried blood is brought near his body (another of the 5. That’s one story. Another legend has Lucy plucking out her eyes to slow down an aggressive suitor.You should have read all about it on p. 87 in the previous chapter.

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cathedral’s prized relics), the blood miraculously liquefies and bubbles.6 Bubbly blood! If that sort of thing happened at a typical blood bank, blood drives would be Party Central.

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BOATERS

St. Francis of Paola, a Franciscan hermit who once wanted to cross the Strait of Messina on his way to Sicily but was denied passage by a surly boatman. So Francis did what any wonder-working saint would do: he spread his cloak out on the water, plopped himself down on it, and motored right across the strait.

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BOOKSELLERS

St. John of God, a sixteenth-century Portuguese friar who loved reading so much he started a business as a traveling book salesman, focusing on religious books and holy cards. Then a vision convinced him to open up a shop in Granada.7 Then, in an act of repentance, he went crazy and destroyed all his nonreligious books. So he’s probably thrilled to be the patron of religious bookstores. But mainstream chain stores? Not so much. (See also Printers.)

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BOWEL DISORDERS

St. Bonaventure, a thirteenth-century Franciscan philosopher and cardinal who died suddenly after experiencing intense stomach 6. The “blood miracle” of San Genarro is a pretty big deal, occurring as far back as 1389 and attested by no less than John Henry Cardinal Newman in the nineteenth century. Thousands of people gather every year to see it on Genarro’s September 19 feast day, and there’s a twenty-one-gun salute when the liquefaction happens. 7. He was probably a first-adopter of Gutenberg’s moveable-type printing press.

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pains during a church council in France. The cause? Could have been a ruptured bladder. May have been poisoning. Whatever happened, he gets the patronage of gastrointestinal difficulties. Cheers.

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BOY SCOUTS

St. George, whose bravery, chivalry, and preparedness famously helped him slay a ferocious dragon and rescue a beautiful maiden. Good thing, because everyone knows the dragon-slaying merit badge is one of the hardest ones to earn. (See also Horses, Knights.)

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BOYS

St. Dominic Savio, a student of John Bosco who died at the age of fifteen before fulfilling his ambition of becoming a priest. He was an annoyingly holy little kid—the kind of boy who broke up fights, destroyed dirty pictures, and refused to engage in any boyish vulgarity—which means the other boys thought he was a class-A dork. (See also the Falsely Accused, Juvenile Delinquents.)

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BREAST CANCER SUFFERERS

St. Agatha, an early martyr—probably just legendary—who rejected the sexual advances of a Roman judge. For this, she was persecuted, and one of the tortures was the amputation of her breasts. Her iconography traditionally shows her wearing a pink ribbon. Not really. (See also Firefighters.)

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BREASTFEEDING

St. Giles, a hermit who lived with a deer as his only companion. And who, according to legend, was comforted and sustained by

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the milk of that deer following a terrible injury. Well now. And also: blech. (See also Disabled People.)

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BREWERS

St. Augustine of Hippo, the renowned bishop and Church father, who lived a debauched life of drunkenness before converting to the faith. Hmmm . . . being the patron saint of drunks would make sense, but brewers? How effective of an intercessor could St. Augustine really be on behalf of such a debauchery-prone product?

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BRICKLAYERS

St. Stephen (see Stonemasons).

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BRIDES

St. Elizabeth of Hungary, who married Louis IV of Thuringia when she was fourteen to forge a political alliance. Louis died six years later on his way to join the Crusades. Elizabeth then gave all her money away, took up a life serving the poor, and died soon after. Hint: This story makes a winning anecdote when toasting happy newlyweds. (See also Bakers.)

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BROADCASTERS

St. Gabriel, the archangel who, on several occasions, got to deliver to humans a message from God. Foremost among these exclusive reports was the task of informing the Virgin Mary that Jesus was on his way. (See also Postal Workers.)

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BUILDERS

St. Vincent Ferrer, a fourteenth century Dominican friar who “built up” the Church during the Western Schism.8 He did it by converting thousands of people across Europe, preaching regularly, performing miracles, and advising Pope Benedict XIII in his attempts to bring unity to the Church. Kinda weird, isn’t it, how he got this patronage due to a metaphor? Shouldn’t he have at least been a carpenter or something? (See also Construction Workers.)

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BUSINESS PEOPLE

St. Homobonus, who was a highly successful merchant and tailor in twelfth-century Italy. He was known for integrity in business and intense spiritual devotion. But rather than dedicate himself to the religious life, he believed God wanted him to use his business savvy outside the Church, so that his prosperity could be used to support the poor.9 (See also Tailors.)

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BUTCHERS

St. Adrian of Nicomedia, whose arms were amputated during his martyrdom (see Arms Dealers). 8. The Western Schism—which sounds like a hipster band name but (probably) isn’t—was the period between 1378 and 1417 when three different men claimed to be pope. It shouldn’t be confused with the Great Schism of 1054, when the Eastern Church split from the Western Church, giving rise to the Eastern Orthodox branch of Christianity. Which also started with a dispute involving popes.You know how popes can be. 9. Though it sounds like the Latin pseudonym of a gay porn star, Homobonus translates most accurately into “good man.” Which makes the title Saint Homobonus kinda redundant.

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CAB DRIVERS

St. Fiacre, the seventh-century Irish saint who built a hotel-like hospice for travelers but who did not, as far as the Pocket Guide can ascertain, drive a yellow motorized vehicle. (See also Hemorrhoid Sufferers,Venereal Disease Sufferers.)

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CANCER PATIENTS

St. Peregrine Laziosi, who developed foot cancer in the thirteenth century. The only option? Amputation. So Peregrine spent the night prior to the surgery in deep prayer, and the next morning, his cancer was gone. His foot, however, stuck around.

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CARPENTERS

St. Thomas the Apostle (see Architects).

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CATS

St. Gertrude of Nivelles, a Benedictine abbess who once asked God to help rid her monastery of mice, because too many of them were taking up residence in their stores of grain. Her prayers were answered. Know who else likes to get rid of mice? Cats.

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CHARCOAL-BURNERS

St. Alexander the Charcoal-Burner, a third-century bishop and martyr who was very handsome but wanted to live a chaste life, so he chose an occupation that left his face

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continually blemished with black charcoal dust, which was not so appealing to the ladies.10

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CHARITIES

St. Vincent de Paul, who was known for his numerous good deeds on behalf of the poor and oppressed. Probably because, at one point in his life, he was both poor (born to a family of peasants) and oppressed (captured by pirates and sold into slavery). His work included helping war victims, establishing orphanages, and founding the Vincentian Congregation and the Sisters of Charity.

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CHASTITY

St. Agnes, who so prized her virginity that she refused to marry the son of a powerful Roman prefect. She was rewarded for this virtue with a death sentence, but since virgins weren’t allowed to be executed, the authorities dispatched her to a brothel to, um, change her status. But God kept her miraculously pure, smiting with blindness all those who tried to rape her.11 Eventually she was decapitated. (See also Girls.)

10. If, at this point, you are thinking to yourself, what on earth is a charcoal-burner? then you are not alone. The Pocket Guide has asked that question as well, with unsatisfactory results. 11. At least, that’s how one story tells it. Another account has Agnes becoming so miraculously immovable she could not be taken to the brothel at all. Which is interesting and everything, but doesn’t involve any smiting. So it’s relegated to this footnote.

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CHILDBIRTH

St. Raymond Nonnatus,12 who miraculously survived a delivery by caesarean section in the thirteenth century, though it ended up killing his mother. It is unclear why mothers-to-be, who are probably stressed-out about their pregnancy already, should rely on help from a guy whose mom died in childbirth. But supposedly this is comforting. (See also Midwives.)

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CHILDREN

St. Nicholas of Myra, the original Santa Claus, who once rescued and reassembled three little boys who had been chopped into pieces by a butcher. Business was slow, see, and the butcher was going to sell them as meat. Daddy, why do we pray to St. Nicholas of Myra? Well, honey, it’s because one time an evil butcher kidnapped and chopped up three little boys . . . okay, nighty-night! (See also Pawnbrokers, Unmarried Women.)

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CIVIL SERVANTS

St. Thomas More, who studied law at Oxford and became the Lord Chancellor under Henry VIII. He resigned a few years later when he got on the bad side of the king in a dispute about marriage, mistresses, and Church leadership. Eventually it resulted in his imprisonment and beheading. Civil Servants: 0. Government: 1. (See also Adopted Children, Politicians.)

12. Nonnatus is Latin for “not born.” At least, “not born” in the usual manner.

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COBBLERS

Sts. Crispin and Crispinian, brothers who preached the Gospel by day and made shoes at night. Kind of like superheroes, except for the part where they got martyred, because a genuine superhero wouldn’t let himself get beheaded. He’d block the executioner’s blade with a well-crafted shoe and make a dramatic escape.

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COIN COLLECTORS

St. Eligius, a metalworker and counselor to Dagobert I, the Merovingian king of France. When he wasn’t evangelizing pagan Druids, Eligius worked for the royal treasurer and made pretty things out of gold. (See also Goldsmiths.)

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COMEDIANS

St. Vitus (see Dancers).

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COMMUNICATIONS WORKERS

St. Gabriel, the archangel (see Broadcasters).

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CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

St. Vincent Ferrer (see Builders).

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CONTAGIOUS DISEASES

St. Rocco, who made it his duty to care for plague victims and ended up catching the plague himself. But he got better, thanks to the power of his faith. And also a dog. (See also Dogs.)

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COOKS

St. Martha, from the story of Mary and Martha in the Gospels,13 in which Jesus scolded Martha for busying herself with hospitality when she should have been learning—like her sister Mary—at his feet.

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COUGHS

St. Quentin, a third-century martyr who, according to some accounts, had a mixture of lime, mustard, and vinegar poured down his throat in an attempt to kill him. And everyone knows that swallowing a mixture of lime, mustard, and vinegar can result in a particularly nasty cough.

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DAIRY WORKERS

St. Brigid, who as a child in Ireland once gave away an entire pail of milk to help a poor person. This worried her, though. She was certain her pagan father would be furious about the missing milk, so she prayed that God would miraculously refill the pail. God was happy to oblige. For this reason, alcoholics have long lobbied to make Brigid the patron of beer.

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DANCERS

St. Vitus, because people in the Middle Ages got the idea that dancing on the feast of St.Vitus would bring them good health.14 13. Luke 10:38–42 (NIV). 14. There’s also a neurological condition named after him: St.Vitus’ Dance, otherwise known as chorea. It causes involuntary muscle contractions (similar to epilepsy) in the hands and feet. Apparently, in the olden days, this looked like dancing. Standards were lower back then.

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His association with dancing led to his patronage of dancers. And comedians. And entertainers. And oversleeping, but for a totally different reason. (See also Oversleeping.)

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DEAF PEOPLE

St. Frances de Sales, who once catechized a deaf man so the fellow could take his first communion. In order to communicate this to the deaf guy, Frances ended up inventing his own version of sign language. One assumes this language contained an unusual emphasis on the words for “eat” and “drink.” And “transubstantiation.” (See also Writers.)

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DENTISTS

St. Apollonia, a martyr who was tortured by having her teeth yanked out, yet had the presence of mind during the experience to inform onlookers that, once dead, she would be happy to help anyone suffering from toothaches. Saints are thoughtful like that.

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DIFFICULT CHOICES

St. Eustace, who once had to ferry his two little boys across a dangerous river. He couldn’t carry both while successfully navigating the rapids, so he left one kid on the riverbank while he took the other across. After dropping off the first kid and heading back toward the second, a wolf ran up and grabbed the son he’d just safely deposited. Then, across the river, a lion popped out of the trees and grabbed the remaining son. Two fearsome creatures! Two children being dragged away! Which son to save? Eustace couldn’t decide what to do, and both sons disappeared.15 (See also Hunters.)

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DIFFICULT MARRIAGES

St. Monica, whose husband, Patricius, was hard to get along with, in a drunk, physically abusive kind of way. But she was patient and loving toward him, and eventually he converted and the marriage got a whole lot less difficult. (See also Alcoholics.)

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DISABLED PEOPLE

St. Giles, who lived in solitude with a deer as his only companion, until one day a hunter shot at the deer only to miss and hit Giles in the leg, giving him a lifelong disability in the form of a limp. Also part of the story? During his injury, the deer nurtured him with her milk, leading to Giles’ patronage of breastfeeding and 15. Yes, it’s a horrible story, but don’t worry because things got better! Local shepherds ended up saving both boys, and the family was reunited several years later. But then the potentially happy ending was ruined when Eustace’s whole family ended up getting burned to death by the Emperor Hadrian, who hated inspirational stories. And Christians.

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nursing mothers. The Pocket Guide wishes this were a joke, but not every wish comes true. (See also Breastfeeding.)

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DOCTORS

Sts. Cosmas and Damian (see Physicians).

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DOGS

St. Rocco, who nursed plague victims during the fourteenth century and caught the disease himself. To keep from infecting anyone, he secluded himself in a nearby forest, intending to die alone. But a friendly dog kept bringing him bread—a fresh loaf every day—and Rocco eventually recovered. (See also Contagious Diseases.)

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DOMESTIC WORKERS

St. Zita, who became a housekeeper at the age of twelve for a wealthy family in Italy. She stayed with that same family for fortyeight years, and her piety led to their eventual conversion. It’s said that, once, angels were discovered in the kitchen baking bread on her behalf, which tends to help the housework get done faster.

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DROWNING VICTIMS

St. Adjutor, the calmer of killer whirlpools (see Swimmers).

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EARTHQUAKES

St. Emidius, whose relics are thought to have protected the Italian city of Ascoli Piceno from a massive earthquake in 1703. Impressive work for a guy who’d been dead for fourteen hundred years.

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ECOLOGISTS

St. Francis of Assisi, who preached to birds, tamed a maneating wolf, worried about accidentally stepping on worms, and generally was the Al Gore of the thirteenth century.

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ELDERLY

St. Teresa of Jesus Jornet Ibars, who founded a religious order in 1872 called the “Little Sisters of the Poor” to care for old people.

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EMBROIDERERS

St. Clare of Assisi, who on her deathbed wove more than one hundred altar cloths for local churches. Also the patron saint of people who die of boredom. (See also Radio,Television.)

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ENTERTAINERS

St. Vitus (see Dancers).

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ENVIRONMENTALISTS

St. Francis of Assisi (see Ecologists).

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EXPECTANT MOTHERS

St. Raymond Nonnatus (see Childbirth).

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EXPLOSIVES WORKERS

St. Erasmus (a.k.a. Elmo), after whom the meteorological phenomenon St. Elmo’s Fire is named. Legend has it that, while he

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was being tortured for his faith, lightning fell from the sky and electrocuted everyone around him, though Erasmus was saved. Protection from lightning = protection from accidentally blowing up the C-4 you’re manufacturing. Makes sense. (See also Abdominal Pains, Sailors.)

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FALLING

St. Venantius of Camerino, one of those hard-to-kill martyrs from the third century. Eventually he was beheaded, but before that he was tossed over a high cliff. Miraculously, he survived. Until the next round of martyrdom commenced.

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THE FALSELY ACCUSED

St. Dominic Savio, the precious little saintly boy who, one winter, was accused of filling the school’s stove with garbage. He was punished for this infraction, but the innocent Dominic refused to tell on the boys who actually did the dirty deed. Why? According to him, it was because he was imitating Jesus, who willingly endured crucifixion. Right, Dom. That’s the same. (See also Boys, Juvenile Delinquents.)

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FARMERS

St. Isidore the Farmer, appropriately enough. He worked near Madrid as a farm laborer for most of his life. As the stories go, his employer once saw a team of white oxen—being driven by angels, natch—plowing next to Isidore. Which improved Isidore’s holiness rating on his next performance evaluation but totally tanked his personal productivity score.

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FATHERS

St. Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. Because if there’s anything new dads can relate to, it’s becoming the foster dad to the son of God who was born to your virgin wife with a bunch of shepherds pacing in the waiting room. (See also House Hunters.)

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FIREFIGHTERS

St. Agatha, who doesn’t really have any good reason to be associated with fire. The closest case the Pocket Guide can make is this: Agatha’s breasts were cut off during her martyrdom. She is typically shown in iconography holding these amputated breasts on a platter. By squinting and employing a morbid imagination, one might reach the conclusion that they’re sorta shaped like bells. And bells? They ring during fires. Case closed. (See also Breast Cancer Sufferers.)

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FISHERMEN

St. Andrew, the disciple of Jesus who—like his brother, Peter— was a fisherman before making the big career change. He was likely present when Jesus helped the disciples catch a miraculous amount of fish in one of his post-resurrection appearances.16

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FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

St. Bona of Pisa, a nun who, during an emergency landing, was decapitated when she failed to return her tray table and seatback 16. John 21:1–14 (NIV).

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to their upright and locked positions. Not really. She helped lead travelers on several long, dangerous pilgrimages in the eleventh and twelfth centuries.

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FLOODS

St. Florian, who was executed as a martyr by being tossed into the Enns River in Germany with a big rock tied to his neck. “Floods” isn’t the best correlation, but St. Adjutor had already laid claim to the coveted patronage of drowning victims. All the best ones get taken early.

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FLORENTINE CHEESE WORKERS

St. Bartholomew, in what has to be one of the narrowest patronages ever. It’s included here just for that reason, and also because “Florentine Cheese Workers” is fun to say. (See also Tanners.)

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FLORISTS

St. Rose of Lima, who grew flowers while living in a garden hut as a recluse. Also, her name was Rose, which was convenient.

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FOREIGN MISSIONS

St. Francis Xavier (see Missionaries).

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FUNERAL DIRECTORS

St. Joseph of Arimathea, who prepared the crucified Jesus for burial and provided his own family tomb for the body to be laid in.

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GAMBLERS

St. Camillus of Lellis, a former soldier whose gambling addiction once left him penniless, before he dedicated his life to caring for the sick. (See also Nurses.)

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GARDENERS

St. Rose of Lima (see Florists).

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GEESE

St. Martin of Tours, who was about to be named bishop but didn’t think he’d do a very good job of it, so he tried to hide in a flock of geese. But the geese, sensing he was up to no good, honked and honked until Martin was discovered. So now, apparently, he protects them.17 (See also Beggars, Soldiers.)

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GIRL SCOUTS

St. Agnes (see Girls).

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GIRLS

St. Agnes, the virgin martyr who was decapitated at the age of thirteen after (1) refusing an arranged marriage; (2) being condemned to a brothel; and (3) seeing all the men who tried to rape her be struck blind by God. Because this is the kind of scenario all 17. You are not alone in thinking Geese? Since when does anyone ever require intercession on behalf of geese? You’re also not alone in wondering what kind of idiot tries to hide in a flock of birds. This patronage? A big honking mystery.

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fathers want running through their heads when they pray for their little daughters’ safety. (See also Chastity.)

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GOLDSMITHS

St. Eligius, a metalworker and counselor to Dagobert I, the Merovingian king of France. He worked for the royal treasurer and was known for making beautiful jewelry and, once, a golden throne laden with precious stones. (See also Coin Collectors.)

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GRAVEDIGGERS

St. Anthony the Great, the really popular hermit who had a bunch of followers and who instructed his followers to keep his burial a secret and his grave unmarked. Not only would this keep the inevitable veneration to a minimum, but it would save on headstone costs.

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GUARDS

St. Adrian of Nicomedia, an Imperial Guard for the Roman Emperor, who suddenly converted to the faith while busy torturing Christians. It made for a pretty serious conflict of interest. (See also Arms Dealers, Butchers.)

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GUNNERS

St. Barbara (see People in Danger of Sudden Death).

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HAIR STYLISTS

St. Martin de Porres (see Barbers).

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HAPPY MARRIAGES

St. Valentine (see Lovers).

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HEADACHE SUFFERERS

St. Stephen, who was stoned to death in the book of Acts, making him the first Christian martyr. Four out of five neurologists agree: large rocks to the head can cause headaches. (See also Stonemasons.)

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HEMORRHOID SUFFERERS

St. Fiacre, the Irish saint whose herbal remedies gave him a reputation as a skilled healer, especially in relation to discomfort in unmentionable places. He’s also the patron of cab drivers. Jokes about the cab drivers/hemorrhoids correlation are way too easy, so the Pocket Guide will refrain from making them. (See also Cab Drivers,Venereal Disease Sufferers.)

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HOARSENESS

St. Bernardine of Siena, a traveling evangelist who preached to, and converted, enormous crowds in the fifteenth century. He is said to have preached several times a day, every day, often for up to four hours a pop. So, yeah, hoarseness sounds about right. (See also Advertisers & Advertising.)

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THE HOMELESS

St. Benedict Joseph of Labré, who was known as the “Beggar of Rome.” Benedict Joseph suffered from mental illness and was

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rejected by several religious orders before dedicating himself to the life of a mendicant. He spent his nights sleeping in the ruins of the Coliseum and his days praying in churches. He died in 1783, of malnutrition. (See also Rejects, which is kinda sad.)

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HOPELESS CASES

St. Jude the Apostle, who wrote a New Testament letter that encouraged believers to persevere in the face of extreme hardship. You might know the letter from its title: “The Book of Jude.” You might know the saint from his many hospitals, including the famed St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee.

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HORSES

St. George, who is typically shown as a knight draped in armor, riding a white horse while famously thrusting his spear into a scaly green dragon. Betcha don’t see that at your next rodeo. (See also Boy Scouts, Knights.)

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HOSPITALS

St. Camillus of Lellis, a former soldier who was injured in battle, spent time in a hospital, then returned to that hospital to care for the sick when a leg disease kept him from becoming a Franciscan. (See also Nurses.)

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HOUSE HUNTERS

St. Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. The Holy Cross brother Andre Bessett was a big fan of St. Joseph and, in the late 1800s, wanted to build a shrine near Montreal. In fact, Andre had already

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picked out a nice piece of land. But the owners wouldn’t sell. So Bessett buried a handful of St. Joseph medals across the property. And, lo, the stingy landowners accepted his next offer. So obviously Joseph is supremely interested in a person being able to find exactly the right place to live. Or construct a shrine.18 (See also Fathers.)

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HOUSEWIVES

St. Martha (see Cooks).19

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HOUSEKEEPERS

St. Zita (see Domestic Workers).

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HUNTERS

St. Eustace, a former Roman general who converted when he saw a vision of Jesus between the antlers of a stag. His newfound holiness, of course, prevented him from killing the stag. Either that, or the mystical glare from the vision screwed up his aim. Either way, it’s clear that Jesus is interested in the salvation of deer. (See also Difficult Choices.) 18. This story is the reason Catholic real estate agents and home sellers have been known to bury figurines of St. Joseph in the yards of houses they’re trying to sell. They point Joseph’s head toward the street, so he can focus his pious powers of persuasion on potential buyers. 19. Please understand that, in using the phrase “see Cooks,” the Pocket Guide is only reporting a shared patronage and is not in any way making a statement regarding the roles of women, housewives, cooks, or any combination thereof in the home and/or today’s society. Just a little FYI. And CYA.

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ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN

St. John Francis Regis, who converted a great many prostitutes, finding homes and acceptable work for them, along with—it must be presumed—their children. (See also Lacemakers.)

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IMMIGRANTS

St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, an Italian nun who came to the United States in 1889 to serve Italian immigrants. Eventually she was naturalized as a U.S. citizen and, as a result, ended up the first American citizen to be canonized.

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INCEST VICTIMS

St. Dymphna, the daughter of a pagan Celtic chieftain who made sexual advances on her after her mom died. (His excuse? He couldn’t help it, because mother and daughter looked so much alike! Plus, they were hot!) Dymphna fled from him, but eventually he caught her, at which point he flew into a rage and cut off her head. Shudder. (See also Mentally Ill People, Runaways.)

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INNOCENT PEOPLE

St. Dominic Savio (see The Falsely Accused).

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THE INTERNET

St. Isidore, a sixth- and seventh-century bishop who loved learning and placed great value on a broad, open-minded education. He wrote a twenty-volume compendium of “universal knowledge”

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called Etymologiae—the first known encyclopedia in the medieval world—in addition to works on grammar, astronomy, history, and theology. Might as well have called him Wikidore.

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INVALIDS

St. Rocco (see Contagious Diseases).

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JOURNALISTS

St. Frances de Sales (see Writers).

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JUDGES

St. Ivo, the eleventh-century bishop of Chartres and a famously fair-minded judge and expert on canon law.

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JUVENILE DELINQUENTS

St. Dominic Savio, who was probably the least delinquent kid ever. He oozed so much heroic virtue from such a young age that his diapers smelled like angels’ breath. But one time he was accused of something he didn’t do—and the poor kid bravely received a beating for it—so that’s good enough to make him the patron of bad seeds. (See also Boys,The Falsely Accused, Innocent People.)

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KNIGHTS

St. George, who sports a get-up of knightly armor in all the icons of him slaying the dragon. But he wasn’t so much a knight as he was a soldier in the Roman Empire. Also, he probably didn’t exist. Not to put too fine a point on it. (See also Boy Scouts, Horses.)

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LACEMAKERS

St. John Francis Regis, who helped prostitutes find a better life by giving them jobs as lacemakers.You know what they say: Doilies are better than diseases.20 (See also Illegitimate Children.)

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LAWYERS

St. Ivo (see Judges).

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LEATHERWORKERS

Sts. Crispin and Crispinian (see Cobblers).

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LIBRARIANS

St. Jerome, a big-time theologian who produced the first Latin translation of the Bible (the hugely influential Vulgate). He was known for having a whole lot of books. He was also known for frequently telling people to shush.

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LOST CAUSES

St. Jude the Apostle (see Hopeless Cases).

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LOST ITEMS

St. Anthony of Padua, because once a novice took one of his psalters without permission, and no one knew where it was. Anthony prayed that it would show up again. Eventually it did, because 20. Not a real saying.

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Anthony’s prayer miraculously conjured up some sort of scary ghost thing which appeared before the boy and compelled him to return it. (Please note: Summoning Power over Repo Ghost has now surpassed Levitating on the list of most desirable saintly abilities.)

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LOVERS

St. Valentine, who didn’t really have much to do with romance or love or greeting cards, but who had a feast day on February 14. This was the day birds were thought to mate. Good enough.

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MAIDS

St. Zita (see Domestic Workers).

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MENTALLY HANDICAPPED PEOPLE

St. Joseph of Cupertino, who, in addition to being known for levitating, was known for being really, really stupid. He could barely read or write and was often found out in the middle of nowhere wandering about in a daze, earning him the nickname “The Gaper.” Which would be pretty funny if it weren’t so sad. And scary, when coupled with the out-of-control flying. (See also Airline Pilots.)

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MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE

St. Dymphna, the daughter of a pagan Celtic chieftain who went bonkers when his wife, Dymphna’s mom, died. It seems Dymphna had inherited Mom’s beauty, so her crazed father kept

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making advances on her. She ran from him, but not fast enough. He caught her and, raging with an insane mix of desire and hatred, cut off her head. (See also Incest Victims, Runaways.)

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MIDWIVES

St. Raymond Nonnatus, who survived a delivery by caesarean section in the thirteenth century, though his mother died in childbirth. Because if there’s one thing a midwife ought to have in mind while delivering a baby, it’s the worst-case scenario for any birthing situation. Ready? Breathe. (See also Childbirth.)

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MINERS

St. Barbara, whose conversion so angered her pagan father he killed her, only to be himself killed by lightning strike immediately afterward. Since the average miner is an angry pagan with a fondness for explosives, Barbara’s patronage seems right on target. (See also People in Danger of Sudden Death.)

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MISSIONARIES

St. Francis Xavier, one of the first Jesuits. He traveled through India, Indonesia, and Japan, where he lived among the people, adopted their customs, and did a whole heckuva lot of converting.

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MOTHERS

The Blessed Virgin Mary, who was the mother of Jesus, and do you really need an explanation?

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MOTORISTS

St. Christopher (see Travelers).

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MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS

St. Bernard of Mountjoux (a.k.a. Bernard of Menthon), who, in order to devote himself more fully to the Church, sneaked out from an arranged marriage by escaping from a forty-foot-high window using a chain of knotted bed sheets.21 (See also Skiers.)

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MUSICIANS

St. Cecilia, who gets this patronage either because (1) she heard music in her heart when she got married or (2) she sang praises to God while she was being martyred. And hers was a loooong martyrdom, because the executioner unsuccessfully tried to lop off her head three times. That’s right: an unsuccessful decapitation. It took three days for Cecilia to die from the wounds. She must have known a lot of songs.22

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MYSTICS

St. John of the Cross, who took a break from his frequent mystical visions to write several treatises about having mystical visions. 21. And you only thought this happened in the Swamp Castle scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 22. There’s even a possible (3), as a medieval legend describes how an angel was so enraptured by Cecilia’s singing that he left the wonders of heaven behind in order to hang out with her on earth.

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NATIVE AMERICANS

Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, the orphaned daughter of a Mohawk father and an Algonquin mother, both of whom died of smallpox. She converted in 1676, at the age of twenty, and was known for her piety, zeal, and compassion for the sick. Tekakwitha died of smallpox herself when she was twenty-four and, according to eyewitnesses, her scars vanished at the moment of death.

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NAVAL OFFICERS

St. Frances of Paola (see Boaters).

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NEEDLEWORKERS

St. Clare of Assisi (see Embroiderers).

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NURSES

St. Camillus of Lellis, a former soldier who founded the Order of Clerks Regular Ministers to the Sick—male nurses better known by their catchier name, the Camillians. Their job was to tend to soldiers injured in battle. (See also Hospitals.)

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NURSING MOTHERS

St. Giles, the creepy guy with the deer (see Breastfeeding).

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ORPHANS

St. Jerome Emiliani (see Abandoned Children).

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OVERSLEEPING

St. Vitus, who was once accused of sorcery and tortured for it by being thrown into boiling oil. He was joined in the scalding oil bath by a rooster, thanks to a belief that sacrificial roosters combated sorcery. The connection to roosters led to a connection with early rising, and the early-rising thing earned him a patronage of people who oversleep. Sounds like someone’s trying a little too hard to get a cool patronage. (See also Dancers.)

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PAINTERS

St. Luke (see Artists).

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PALLBEARERS

St. Joseph of Arimathea (see Funeral Directors).

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PARAMEDICS

St. Michael, the archangel, who is said to have brought forth several miraculous healing springs for the sick to bathe in, and who once made a personal appearance in sixth-century Rome after Pope St. Gregory the Great called on him to save people from the plague. (See also Paratroopers.)

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PARATROOPERS

St. Michael, the archangel, whom the Bible identifies as “the captain of the host of the Lord” and who is traditionally believed to have led heaven’s army of angels. Military personnel + appearance of flying = patronage by an angelic general. That, friends, is a good

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patronage connection. It’s simple, logical, and creative. Paying attention, St.Vitus? (See also Paramedics.)

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PAWNBROKERS

St. Nicholas of Myra. Yep, Santa loves children but he’s also tight with the pawn shops. This comes from the story where he provided cash for a father who desperately needed a dowry to get his daughters married. According to legend, St. Nick tossed two bags of gold through a window and the third down the chimney. Stockings were likely not involved. Neither were guitars, amps, jewelry, power tools, or stolen goods. (See also Children, Unmarried Women.)

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PEOPLE IN DANGER OF SUDDEN DEATH

St. Barbara, whose own father beheaded her when she refused to renounce her faith. He paid for it, though, when he died immediately after the execution. Because lightning struck him. Or God smote him.You make the call. (See also Miners.)

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PEOPLE OF MIXED RACE

St. Martin de Porres, a Dominican lay brother who was the illegitimate son of a Spanish gentleman and a Panamanian-born freed slave. This also makes him the patron saint of bastards, but very few people are willing to buy that medal. (See also Barbers.)

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PHARMACISTS

St. Raphael, the archangel, who was said to possess healing powers and gets credit for being the angel who “troubled the

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waters” at the pool at Bethesda,23 allowing people to dip in them and get healed.

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PHYSICIANS

Sts. Cosmas and Damian, brothers who were practicing physicians. After converting to Christianity, they stopped accepting payments for their services. Once they had to amputate the leg of a European cancer victim and reattached a leg donated by a dying Moor. Which left the patient with two-toned legs, but check out the surgical chops!24

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POETS

St. Columba, who was such a skilled poet that he once drove away a wild boar with a well-worded prayer.25

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POLITICIANS

St. Thomas More, a chancellor in sixteenth-century England who got his head lopped off by King Henry VIII. Why? Because he refused to sign off on Henry’s plan to divorce Catherine of Aragon and hitch up with Anne Boleyn. Also the patron saint of people who can’t keep their noses out of other people’s junk. (See also Adopted Children, Civil Servants.) 23. See John 5:1–14 (NIV). 24. Even more impressive, the brothers performed the entire surgery in a dream. The patient fell asleep with a bum leg, dreamed about Cosmas and Damian and the surgery, and woke up with a lower body full of ebony and ivory. 25. Columba also once stopped a serpent-like creature near Loch Ness—a protoNessie—by making the sign of the cross toward it (see p. 68). Columba totally should have had a show on Animal Planet.

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POLICE OFFICERS

St. Michael, the archangel (see Paratroopers).

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POOR PEOPLE

St. Anthony of Padua, who came from a wealthy family but renounced it all to become a penniless Franciscan priest. He developed a reputation for extreme devotion to the poor, and rightly so.

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POSTAL WORKERS

St. Gabriel, the archangel who, in the Bible, often acted as God’s messenger. He delivered the news to Mary that she was pregnant with the Son of God. (See also Broadcasters.)

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PREACHERS

St. John Chrysostom, whose name in Greek means “goldenmouthed.” He was known as the greatest preacher in the early Church and left behind a huge number of homilies.

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PREGNANT WOMEN

St. Raymond Nonnatus (see Childbirth).

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PRINTERS

St. John of God, a sixteenth-century Portuguese friar who loved reading so much he started a business as a traveling book salesman, using Gutenberg’s fancy new printing press to create and sell religious books and holy cards. (See also Booksellers.)

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PRISONERS

St. Leonard of Noblac, who converted when he was a Frankish nobleman serving in the eleventh-century court of King Clovis I. He spent much of his post-conversion life trying to secure the freedom of prisoners, whose chains would (allegedly) break apart upon the mere mention of Leonard’s name.

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PUBLISHERS

St. John of God (see Booksellers, Printers).

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RADIO

St. Gabriel, the archangel (see Broadcasters, Postal Workers).

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REJECTS

St. Benedict Joseph of Labré (a.k.a. the “Beggar of Rome”), a pilgrim recluse in the eighteenth century who tried to join the Trappist, Carthusian, and Cistercian orders but kept getting rejected because the deciders thought he was too “eccentric” to make a decent monk. And by eccentric, they meant he was . . . well, a few beads short of a rosary. (See also The Homeless.)

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RESTAURANTS

St. Martha (see Cooks).

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RIDERS

St. George (see Horses).

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RIGHT-TO-LIFE GROUPS

Blessed Margaret of Castello, who was born blind, hunchbacked, lame, disfigured, and probably suffered from dwarfism. Her family abandoned her, but she was taken in by kind foster parents. (Unfortunately, she’s not yet an official saint, as her canonization is pending. It’s been pending since 1609. Don’t hold your breath.)

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RUNAWAYS

St. Dymphna, who fled from her insane father after he tried to rape her in the wake of her mother’s death (apparently Dymphna and Dymphna’s mom looked a lot alike). When her dad finally caught up with her, he got all rage-y and decapitated her. (See also Incest Victims and Mentally Ill People.)

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SADDLEMAKERS

St. George (see Horses).

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SAILORS

St. Erasmus (a.k.a. Elmo), who was being tortured for his faith when lightning fell from the sky and conveniently electrocuted everyone but him. As sailors are always in danger of electrical storms, this patronage seemed like a good fit. Sailors thought the blue fireball that occasionally appeared at the top of ships’ mastheads during storms—St. Elmo’s Fire—was proof of his protection. Either that, or it was a meteorological phenomenon in which a coronal discharge makes atmospheric plasma temporarily visible. One or the other. (See also Abdominal Pains, Explosives Workers.)

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SCHOLARS

St. Bede (a.k.a. “the Venerable Bede”), an eighth-century Benedictine monk known for writing The Ecclesiastical History of the British People. This work was notable not only for being a fourhundred-page reference on Anglo-Saxon history but also because Bede provided source citations and references, which was a very scholarly thing to have done.26

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SCIENTISTS

St. Albert the Great, a scientifically minded priest who was well-versed in the fields of astronomy, botany, chemistry, geography, logic, mathematics, mineralogy, physics, theology, and zoology. He was so smart, in fact, that Thomas Aquinas studied under him.

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SENIOR CITIZENS

St. Teresa of Jesus Jornet Ibars (see Elderly).

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SERIAL KILLERS

St. Caedwalla of Wessex, a Saxon king who kept expanding his influence by killing off other kings and forcibly taking their kingdoms. The historian Bede (see above) tells of Caedwalla going through the countryside “by merciless slaughter.” But then he went on a pilgrimage and presumably started to feel bad for all the 26. The Pocket Guide uses footnotes not out of any sense of historical propriety or pretense to scholarship, but in homage to St. Bede. Besides, when it comes to nicknames, nothing in Western literature can match “The Venerable Bede.” Except, perhaps, “Alexander the Charcoal-Burner.”

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slaughter. Then he got baptized, after which he died. Which technically makes him the patron saint of remorseful serial killers experiencing deathbed conversions.

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SERVANTS

St. Zita (see Domestic Workers).

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SEXUAL TEMPTATION

Blessed Angela of Foligno, a mystic nun and writer who, at one point, was married to a wealthy merchant and had an illicit affair. Probably. The details are murky, but in the year 1285 she did something really bad, according to her writings. We know this because she used up a lot of ink worrying that she was headed to hell. She converted and, after she was widowed, ended up founding a Franciscan religious order.

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SHEPHERDS

St. Pascal Baylon, who worked for his father as a shepherd before receiving a vision. This vision led him to leave behind his sheep and become a doorkeeper for a nearby Franciscan community. Ah, yes. The path from shepherd to doorkeeper is a well-trodden one.

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SHOEMAKERS

Sts. Crispin and Crispinian (see Cobblers).

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SICK PEOPLE

St. Peregrine Laziosi (see Cancer Patients).

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SINGERS

St. Cecilia, who sang praises to God while she was being martyred. The martyrdom took three days to finish up, so it’s a long, excruciating story—but with a nice musical score. Kind of like that Titanic movie. (See Musicians for the disturbing parts.)

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SINGLE WOMEN

St. Nicholas of Myra (see Unmarried Women).

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SKIERS

St. Bernard of Mountjoux (also known as Bernard of Menthon), who preached the Gospel to the people of the Swiss Alps. He founded a monastery at the highest point of a snow-covered, avalanche-prone pass, which was used by French and German pilgrims passing through on the way to Rome. Bernard and his monks, along with their big fluffy dogs,27 helped travelers who had succumbed to the deep snow and bone-chilling weather. (See also Mountain Climbers.)

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SOLDIERS

St. Martin of Tours, who was forced to join the army when he was fifteen, despite his desire to be a monk. He eventually became an officer and is known for having cut his mantle in half to offer it to a cold, shivering beggar. Which is sort of a surprising thing for a saint to have done. Cut it in half? As if he needed to keep the other half for himself? Sure, it was a little selfless, but not fully selfless. That’s only half a heroic virtue point, Marty. (See also Beggars, Geese.) 27. Yes. That’s where the St. Bernard breed of dogs got their name.

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STAMP COLLECTORS

St. Gabriel, the archangel (see Postal Workers).

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STONEMASONS

St. Stephen, the first Christian martyr whose stoning is described in the New Testament book of Acts. Heh. Pairing a stoning victim with stonemasons: Good one, Catholics. (See also Headache Sufferers, which is also a good one.)

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SURGEONS

Sts. Cosmas and Damian (see Physicians).

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SWIMMERS

St. Adjutor, who was held captive by Infidels during the Crusades but somehow escaped by swimming to safety. Later, he calmed a fearsome whirlpool on the Seine River by throwing holy water into it, making the sign of the cross in its general direction, and—just in case the first two actions didn’t work—tossing in the chains by which the aforementioned Infidels had held him captive. Dramatic, this guy.

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TAILORS

St. Homobonus, who worked as a successful tailor in twelfthcentury Italy, believing that God allowed him to work outside the Church so that his prosperity could be used to support the poor. (See also Business People.)

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TANNERS

St. Bartholomew, one of the original Twelve Disciples, who was martyred in Armenia by being flayed alive and then crucified upside down. It should be noted that, here, “tanners” refers to those who make animal hides into leather. But the whole death-by-skin-coming-off thing would also work for people whose definition of tanning involves lounging in the sun. Or in beds equipped with ultraviolet lamps. (See also Florentine Cheese Workers.)

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TAX COLLECTORS

St. Matthew the disciple (see Accountants).

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TAXI DRIVERS

St. Fiacre (see Cab Drivers).

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TEACHERS

St. John Baptist de la Salle, a French priest who spent most of his life educating the children of the poor. He was one of the first educators to emphasize classroom teaching of practical skills in the common vernacular, instead of the typical approach—individual instruction by reading the classics in their original languages. Unless your private tutor forced you to read Pliny the Elder in Latin, you owe part of your education (and most of your sanity) to this guy.

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TEENAGERS

St. Maria Goretti, who as an eighteen-year-old in 1902 was a victim of attempted rape. She told the assailant—her neighbor— that she would rather die than submit to his impurity. So he stabbed her in the throat. She died from the wound, but not before publicly forgiving him. Feel better, worried parents of teens!

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TELEPHONES

St. Clare of Assisi (see Television).

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TELEVISION

St. Clare of Assisi, who was once too sick to attend mass but ended up being able to see it miraculously displayed in high-def on the walls of her room. She could hear it, too. Now you know who to blame for the invention of reality television. (See also Embroiderers.)

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THIEVES

St. Dismas, the “good thief ” who repented of his sins while being crucified next to Jesus. (See also Undertakers.28)

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TOOTHACHE SUFFERERS

St. Apollonia (see Dentists).

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TRAVELERS

St. Christopher, whose spiritual act of service was to carry people—including, once, the Christ-child29—from one side of a raging river to the opposite bank.

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UGLY PEOPLE

St. Drogo, who suffered some weird affliction while on a pilgrimage, which led to a physical deformity that was so bad he frightened all the townsfolk. “Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!” the Pocket Guide imagines him saying.30 So Drogo walled himself into a cell attached to his church and lived in solitude for the next forty years, to protect the community from his repulsiveness. Feel better, unattractive people!

28. Again, not saying anything about the relationship between thieves and undertakers, if indeed there is one. Just reporting a shared patronage. Stop being so paranoid, by the way. 29. See p. 64 in Chapter 2. 30. But it was probably in Latin, so: Noli me spectare! Foedissimus sum!

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UNBORN CHILDREN

St. Gerard Majella, a famed miracle worker who was once accused by a pregnant woman of being the father of her child. She later recanted and his name was cleared. The whole thing was pretty unpleasant, but it earned him a busy patronage.

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UNDERTAKERS

St. Dismas, the “good thief ” who repented of his sins while being crucified next to Jesus. (See also Thieves, along with Footnote 28.)

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UNMARRIED WOMEN

St. Nicholas of Myra, who secretly provided bags of gold for three young sisters, because their desperate father was too poor to afford their dowries when they came of age. It was a big deal, because in those days, unmarried adult women had pretty much only one career choice: prostitution. So if you’re female, single, and not a prostitute, give props to jolly old St. Nick. (See also Children, Pawnbrokers.)

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VENEREAL DISEASE SUFFERERS

St. Fiacre, the Irish saint who didn’t like women and barred them from his monastery. Presumably this kept sexually transmitted diseases to a minimum. (See also Cab Drivers, Hemorrhoid Sufferers.)

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VEGETARIANS

St. Nicholas of Tolentino, who refused to eat meat out of personal penance. Once, upon being mistakenly served chicken, he

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made the sign of the cross over it and transmogrified the foul fowl into vegetables.31

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VETERINARIANS

Sts. Cosmas and Damian (see Physicians).

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VIRGINS

The Blessed Virgin Mary, for obvious reasons.

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VOLUNTEERS

St. Vincent de Paul (see Charities).

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WAITERS & WAITRESSES

St. Martha (see Cooks).

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WHEELWRIGHTS

St. Catherine of Alexandria, who was martyred by being attached to a spiked torture device called the “breaking wheel,” which was supposed to spin her around while her bones were being pounded by an iron hammer. Not a fun way to go, but when Catherine touched the wheel, it broke. Then she was beheaded. This was an embarrassing event for wheelwrights, so now they rely on Catherine to make sure their torture devices are well-crafted and, ultimately, saint-proof. 31. For an alternate version of this story, see p. 196 in Chapter 6.

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WIDOWS

St. Elizabeth of Hungary (see Brides).

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WINERIES

St. Amand (see Bartenders).

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WRITERS

St. Francis de Sales, who wrote a lot of religious books, including Introduction to the Devout Life and Treatise on the Love of God. Along the way, he made great use of the printing press to disseminate his teachings. The Pocket Guide appealed to St. Francis de Sales for an endorsement of this book, but he declined because he was too busy interceding on behalf of all the authors trying to get Oprah’s attention. (See also Deaf People.)

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YOUTH

St. Maria Goretti (see Teenagers).

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(in 18 Simple Steps) t used to be fairly easy to become a saint. All you really had to do was die while professing your faith in Jesus Christ, an act otherwise known as martyrdom. Granted, it could involve a pretty unpleasant process, what with the spiked barrels and ravaging lions and the thing where they rolled you in pitch, set you on fire, hoisted you up on a pole, and used you to light the way to the gladiator games. There were much better ways to spend an evening, even in the third century. But while the actual death part certainly had its challenges, the aftermath wasn’t so bad. Because the part where spontaneous public

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veneration erupts and everyone starts remembering what a great person you were? Not too shabby. And then shrines are built to you and churches are named after you and people start wearing medallions with your face on them and suddenly you’re a celebrity in the afterlife. During the first millennium of Christianity, that’s how it worked.

CANONIZATION: THE EARLY YEARS Note from the Pocket Guide: The next couple of pages involve a good deal of history, during which a lot of facts and explanations will need to be made. To keep things interesting, the history lesson will take place in a Question-and-Answer format. You, of course, will be asking the questions. Q: Me? Really? A: Yes, you. Fire away. Q: Um . . . so, how did this canonization thing work back in the old days? A: Good question! Back then, a holy person lived in a certain community, died in a certain community (usually as a martyr), and then that community proclaimed him or her to be a saint. Once this was decided, the saint’s tomb was honored, and on the anniversary of his or her death, religious people would gather at the saint’s place of eternal rest and observe communion there. Q: Ugh. Communion at the person’s tomb? Weird. A: Don’t judge them. That’s insensitive. And anyway, humans have been combining death with ritual meals for a long time. Catholics eat at wakes. Southern Baptists serve big family funeral meals. The ancient Egyptians even used to put food in the burial chambers of

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the deceased.You know, just in case they got hungry on their way to the afterlife. Q: Fine. They would have communion at the gravesite. Then what? A: The saint’s name would then be added to the official canon (also called the martyrology, which was basically a big list of martyrs), along with his or her death date and place of burial. This list was usually read aloud during worship.1 Each church or monastery kept its own list, and occasionally lists were shared with other churches or monasteries. It was localized, decentralized, and a wee bit disorganized. Q: That’s all? To become a saint, you just have to be holy and die as a martyr? A: Yep. It really wasn’t that difficult, as long as you were willing to be hacked to pieces while maintaining your love for Jesus. Around the fifth century, though, people began to think that confessors, or “white martyrs”—those who had somehow suffered for their faith but hadn’t been actually killed for it—ought also to qualify for sainthood. Q: Hang on. There are different kinds of martyrs? A: There are indeed. A white martyr is a so-called “bloodless” martyr. It’s a person who gives up a lot of stuff for Jesus but doesn’t actually lose his or her life to violence. It’s more of a metaphorical 1. Which seems really boring. Until you remember that most contemporary worship services devote a whole lot of time to detailing the prayer needs of people’s sick relatives, or making announcements about the upcoming potluck, or singing praise choruses over and over again, backed by music coming from the sonic equivalent of a high school rock band covering Coldplay in a drafty garage. Different people worship in different ways. We’ve all just learned a valuable lesson here, haven’t we?

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death to the world and its sinful distractions. A red martyr is the real thing. The nonmetaphorical kind of martyr. Red martyrdom involves actual physical death and violence, and probably blood, which accounts for the redness. Q: You should have mentioned this earlier. A: The Pocket Guide left it out for the sake of simplicity. Just trying to keep confusion to a minimum. Q: Too late. A: Sorry. Q: So did Church authorities agree that white martyrs could be saints, too? A: Yes, with a few qualifications. Dying as a martyr was seen as evidence of holiness, and it was enough to qualify you as a saint. But if you didn’t really die, they needed some hard evidence to confirm your holiness. Q: What kind of evidence? A: Eyewitness testimony was preferred. If that wasn’t available, nominators had to provide a brief biography containing written accounts of the person’s miracles and virtuous deeds, otherwise known as a hagiography. Q: I remember that word from p. 20 in the first chapter. A: Good for you. Q: What happened after they gathered all that evidence? A: This bishop had to approve it. Then, the saint’s body was dug out of his or her common grave and translated (the churchy word for “transferred”) to a shrine. The newly minted saint’s name was added to the list. Then the pope got involved, and you can blame Bishop Ulrich of Augsburg for this. Q: Wait. Bishop Who of What?

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A: Bishop Ulrich WHO WAS ST. ULRICH? of Augsburg.You St. Ulrich of Augsburg, the first saint can read about to be officially canonized, was a him in the sidebar. prominent German bishop whose Go ahead. Come primary claim to fame was, well, beback when you’ve ing the first saint to be officially canfinished. onized. He was a good guy, though. Q: OK, done. It’s said that he visited Augsburg’s local hospital daily to wash the feet of A: Great. So, poor people and distribute alms. after Ulrich died He also died in a weirdly dramain 973 of natural tized fashion. Knowing his death was causes—despite his near, Ulrich got up the morning of dramatic death, he July 4, 973, and had some companwasn’t martyred and ions and local clergy arrange ashes didn’t really suffer on the floor in the shape of a cross. too much for his Then they sprinkled the cross with faith—a bunch of holy water. Then, as the sun rose, miraculous healings Ulrich’s buddies sang the liturgy as were reported at he lay down upon the cross and died. his tomb, and the Sort of a fussy way to go, but props to Ulrich for creating an artful death people of Augsburg scene. began clamoring for him to be named a saint in as authoritative a way as possible. Investigations were made into his life (was he as super-holy as everyone thought?) and works (did he perform verifiable miracles?). Eventually, the answers to those questions were deemed satisfactory, so in 993, twenty years after his death, Ulrich was canonized by Pope John XV.

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Q: Why was that so important? A: Because it was the first “official” canonization of a saint by the Vatican, and it’s noteworthy because it was based on a formal request to the pope, rather than just the local bishop. Q: So at that point, the saint-making process becomes a lot more official? A: Exactly. It also opens the floodgates, so to speak, to a bunch of sainthood requests. Hmmm, people began to think, if that happened with St. Ulrich, why couldn’t it happen for my uncle Vincent? He wasn’t a martyr or confessor or anything, but he was plenty virtuous enough, and there was that time my headache disappeared when we were praying together during mass. Also, he levitates. So for the next two centuries after Ulrich’s addition to the list, more and more canonization requests began to be filed with the papal office. Before long, the Church figured out they needed a system to deal with all the paperwork. Next stop? Rules, red tape, and a lot of time in committees.

CANONIZATION: THE MIDDLE YEARS Q: And here we are today? A: No. Stop jumping ahead. Q: Sorry. So what happened after the whole Ulrich-andthe-Pope thing? A: Well, around the end of the twelfth century, Pope Alexander III decreed that he would be the funnel through which all cases of canonization had to pass, though he didn’t exactly say “funnel.” So all canonization requests had to now be thoroughly reviewed by the Pope and his crack research staff.

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Q: And that’s Plenty of popes have been beatified, when things really but only three of them have been got complicated, canonized in the last nine hundred right? years. Probably because it’s hard to A: Right. For one make them saints without appearing thing, just making the to justify every decision they ever request for sainthood made. took a great deal of paperwork.The pope required written letters from bishops, local authorities, and family members nominating a person for the title. And while local bishops retained the right to approve regional veneration of holy people, they couldn’t go any further than that. They could give someone the title “Blessed”—which meant they’d been beatified—but bishops were forbidden to actually declare someone a saint. Only the pope could do that, and you know how popes can be. Q: You mean how the pointy hat gives them delusions of grandeur? A: Let the eternal record show that you said it, not the Pocket Guide. Q: I guess this is the part where you go on and on about how subsequent popes totally kept adding procedures and details? A: Precisely. In 1634, Pope Urban VIII further distinguished between beatification and canonization with a whole long list of procedures dedicated to each level of sanctity. Eventually this meant no one could be publicly venerated, either as a saint or just a lowly “blessed” servant of God, without the authority of the Vatican. Even worse, if some sort of unauthorized veneration happened—say, some

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weirdly obsessed monk built a public shrine to you a few years after your death and displayed in it a few snippets of your hair shirt— well, then, you were automatically disqualified for sainthood. Q: So whether or not you became a saint had as much to do with how people acted after you died than how you acted before you died? A: Bingo.You could have been more virtuous than Mary herself, but a case of premature veneration meant you were out of luck. Q: That seems overly harsh. A: There were a few exceptions. A small amount of veneration was allowed. Number one, people could gather at your tomb.That was acceptable enough. And, two, individuals could pray for divine favors in your name.Three, people could venerate you privately, as long as it happened within their homes and nowhere else. Make sure your admirers kept to that list, and you retained your eligibility for sainthood. Q: You mean there was an actual list of what was allowed? A: Totally. Those Vatican heavyweights loved lists. In fact, between 1734 and 1738, things got even listier, thanks to the publication of a crazy fun book called On the Beatification of the Servants of God and the Canonization of the Blessed. It was written by Prospero Lorenzo Lambertini, a church official who later went on to become Pope Benedict XIV (1740–1758). He was a well-organized kind of guy, so he wrapped up the canonization process into a tidy step-by-step approach. These steps became the norm and pretty much stayed the same until 1983. Q: I’m guessing you’re waiting for me to ask what these steps were. A: Yes. And once you ask that question, we’ll dispense with the Q&A format. Q: It’s about time. So what were the steps to canonization?

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Canonization: Step-by-Step 1. You must die. This is asking a lot from certain people— (cough) St. Erasmus (cough)—but nothing can happen until you make the transition into the hereafter. And even then, you’ve got to wait fifty years before the cause for beatification and canonization can formally start.2 Presumably, this is to make sure you aren’t so virtuous you’ve spontaneously come back to life. It’s good to model your life after Jesus, but a personal resurrection is going too far. 2. Petitioning. Once you’ve lived a pious life and died a pious death, you have to ask to be considered for sainthood. Or, at least, your followers need to make the request. The first round of petitions is directed to whatever bishop is presiding in the territory where you died. Once he makes sure there’s no public veneration happening—keep those shrines in the house, people—then he kicks off the proceedings by opening up an investigation known by the most lackluster name ever: the Ordinary Process. Witnesses get called to testify about your holiness, and all the testimony is recorded and sealed. 3. Research. Church officials locate and read everything you ever wrote, published or unpublished, including personal letters. Better hope you kept the language clean and left out any heretical musings.3 4. Submission. If, after Steps 2 and 3, the bishop doesn’t find any red flags, he submits the case to the Congregation of Rites, a 2. Eventually the fifty years dropped to ten years. Now? It’s five years. 3. Starting in 1940, all writings had to pass this step. When they passed, they were labeled nihil obstat (Latin for “nothing stands in the way”) to indicate a minimum of objectionable content.

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supervisory Vatican committee with authority over the liturgy, the sacraments, and the recognition of sainthood. Two main jobs are then assigned to high-ranking officials in the pope’s office. One person is named the Procurator. He represents those pushing for the candidate’s canonization. The Procurator and his assistants are in charge of making a detailed argument why you ought to be named a saint. On the other side of the process is the Promoter of the Faith, also known as the Devil’s Advocate. He represents the pope, and is actively looking for reasons not to add your name to the sainthood list. And yes, that’s where the term comes from. 5. Red-flagging. The Devil’s Advocate gets his hands—er, hooves—on the submitted brief. His job is to root out any ethical or moral flaws in your life or writings. Any questions that come to light—for instance, the naughty doodles you made in the margins of your letters, or the times when you act like a regular human, or any other behavior that fell short of the model of sanctity—have to be satisfactorily answered.4 The Procurator is required to respond to these questions. So begins a process that will likely continue for the next few decades. But you’ve got time, right? Because compared to eternity, decades are like nanoseconds. 6. Study. All the communication and arguing and findings from the previous steps are printed up in a neat little scrapbook

4. For instance, there were a lot of questions surrounding the life of Elizabeth Seton, the first American-born saint, especially regarding her teenage contemplation of suicide following her mother’s death. Because that wasn’t too saintly a thing to contemplate. It took a good two decades of devil’s advocating for everyone to feel OK about it.

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called the positio (Latin for “position”). Each member of the Congregation of Rites has to read it. Then they get together to discuss it, like a book club consisting of mostly old white guys in robes. Then they decide whether or not to conclude this stage of investigation and actually transition into a formal process. That’s right. Step 6 and fifty years and we haven’t even gotten to the formal stuff yet. Sigh. 7. Introduction. With the go-ahead from the Congregation, the pope gets involved. He issues a Decree of Introduction, but pulls a fast one by signing it with his real name—not his papal name—so it’s only binding in an administrative sense. As opposed to a heavenly sense. That pope is one tricky dude. 8. Repeat Step 5. More Devil’s Advocacy occurs here, which means more questions about how flowery your odor of sanctity smelled or how many times you had to be boiled in molten lead before being martyred. Which means more waiting for suitable answers. And that means more redundancy. And also? More redundancy. 9. Proofreading. All the testimony—the questions and answers and arguments and findings—get finished up and are sent to the Congregation of Rites. Another scrapbook! This one is reviewed with an emphasis on the proper forms and protocols. As in, did the pope sign the right name in Step 7? Is the punctuation correct? Vatican: one “t” or two? Once approved, the committee decrees that the process has been properly followed and everyone can move along to the next step. 10. Yawning. Because this is taking a loooong time. 11. Outline. Another document, called an informatio (Latin for “information,”) is prepared by the Procurator, detailing the basic reasons he thinks you ought to be considered for sainthood.

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Here is where you will find all the witnesses’ accounts of your heroic virtue, or your levitating skills, or that time you sailed across the Irish sea on a leaf (shout-out: St. Ia!).5 An exchange of objections by the Devil’s Advocate, followed by the Procurator’s replies, is also submitted to the Congregation. 12. Discussion. The Congregation meets, and good gravy, there’s another exchange between the Devil’s Advocate and the Procurator, who by this time are getting seriously annoyed with each other. Then they meet a second time, and on this occasion, the Cardinals get to witness the arguing. After that, they meet a third time, and no less than the pope sits in on it! The basic arguments don’t change, but everyone’s all tense and fidgety because the pope’s there. Nevertheless, after the third meeting—finally—a judgment is made whether or not you were virtuous enough to be declared “venerable.” Not yet a saint. Not yet beatified either. But close. 13. Shovel-time. Sorry to tell you about this, but your body now has to be exhumed so the local bishop can (1) make sure the corpse down there really is yours, because if it’s not, the people praying at your gravesite are pretty much wasting their time by asking some nobody to heal their arthritis, and (2) determine if your body is incorrupt. Because if you’re still soft and bendy, everyone would like a chance to shake your not-at-all-decayed hand. Incorruption gains you serious extra credit at this point. 14. Miracles. Before you can be beatified, two miracles have to be substantiated. There are two rules when it comes to these miracles. Rule 1: The miracle has to be divine in origin. So, tell your relatives to lay off that thing where they say, “Oh, 5. See p. 204.

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that cluster Though healings are the most popuof daffodils lar kinds of miracles by far, they’re growing on the not the only ones that count toward hill overlooking sainthood. Other miracles include inhis gravesite corruptibility (a nondecaying body), is simply liquefaction (dried blood in the form miraculous. of a relic that miraculously liquefies), Surely it’s and the so-called “odor of sanctity,” that lemony-fresh scent exuded by a evidence of his saintly corpse or grave instead of the sanctity.” That usual reek of decomposition. doesn’t work. Rule 2: The miracle has to occur as a result of your personal involvement. Which means someone was verifiably healed after having specifically asked you to pray for him, or someone was healed in the vicinity of your grave, or someone was healed due to the proximity of your relics, or someone was healed while wearing a chintzy medal with your likeness on it. Anyway, the local bishop talks to eyewitnesses and physicians and tries to figure out whether you actually did anything or not. Then he submits all the evidence and testimony to Rome. 15. Verification. The Congregation meets to examine the miraculous evidence, and medical experts are brought in to confirm it. Charts and graphs and disgusting before-and-after photos may be involved. For each miracle, the Congregation must decide whether it was indeed granted through your actual intercession and not by some mix-up with those glory-hogging healer saints like Anthony, who is always stealing your postmortem thunder.

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16. Beatification. Yay! If everything gets confirmed, you get beatified in a ceremony attended by the cardinals of the Congregation and the pope.You are pronounced “Blessed.” Which is great, except you can only be venerated by a local religious order, diocese, or country. Universal veneration is totally not allowed. Also, you’re dead anyway, which tends to hamper the celebration. At least for you. 17. Popish aloofness. To make sure everyone knows that you have only been deemed “Blessed” and not “Saint,” the pope plays it cool by attending the beatification ceremony but not More than half a million people attended the canonization of Padre Pio presiding at the in June of 2002. Pontifical Mass that concludes it. Because you, little blessed candidate, are not yet worthy of his full attention and involvement. As far as steps go, this one makes the pope seem a bit uppity. 18. Canonization! To make the giant leap between beatification and canonization, two additional miracles have to be substantiated, which means the above steps have to be followed all over again. Once the new miracles have been deemed legitimate, the pope issues a bull of canonization6 that states that you are to be venerated as a saint throughout the Universal 6. Not a real bull—though that would liven up the process considerably—but a papal bull. Which is to say, “a very important, officially signed and sealed document from the pope.” The “bull” part comes from the lead seal (known as a bulla) that was traditionally affixed to the document.

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Church. And guess what? The pope actually presides over the mass at the end of the ceremony. He gives a brief bio of your life and challenges his listeners to live up to your example. Hope it was a good one. Canonization: Recent Developments These complicated steps were drastically simplified in 1983, thanks to that notable insta-canonizer Pope John Paul II. In January of that year, he issued a decree called the Divinus perfectionis Magister, which streamlined the whole saint-making process. Q: What was the first big change? A: You again? Couldn’t get enough of the question-and-answer thing, could you? Q: Seriously, what was the first big change? A: You only have to be dead for five years before the process can start. Which was exceptionally good news for some of these saintsin-waiting, because maintaining incorruptibility gets hard after a decade or two. Q: What else? A: A lot of responsibilities shift away from the Vatican and back to the local level. Thanks to JPII, the responsibility for gathering

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evidence, examining historical records, recording testimony, inspecting tombs, and making sure the saint wasn’t a crazy-eyed heretic now rests entirely with the local bishop. Which means the document preparation, presentations, and procedural duties don’t get hung up within a committee. Especially a committee operating by a bunch of esoteric rules and made up of a team of old guys who are physically incapable of doing anything fast. Q: So all the testimony recording and evidence gathering and heretic vetting happens locally. Then does the process return to Rome? A: Yes. Once the investigation is complete, a record of the findings is sent to a Vatican committee called the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, which is the spiffy new version of the old Congregation of Rites. Q: Why did they need a new version of the Congregation? A: Because the old Congregation of Rites was busy trying to handle the sainthood stuff and all the stuff related to the Church’s liturgy and sacraments. Honestly, it could be a bit overwhelming. So in 1969, Pope Paul VI restructured the committee into two specialized parts: The Congregation for the Causes of Saints and the Congregation for the Divine Worship.Verily, this was good news. Anyway, these guys get the results of the investigation. Then they assign an official to write the positio. Q: The same scrapbook thing mentioned in Step 6? A: The same. It’s supposed to include informational details necessary to determine if the candidate is fit enough for either beatification or canonization. First it’s reviewed by appointed theologians and a distinctively watered-down version of the prosecuting counsel. Buh-bye, Devil’s Advocate, you pesky fly in the chardonnay of canonization.

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Q: Clever. A total of 296 saints were canonized A: Shut up. Then during the years between 1588 and the positio—along 1978, when John Paul II became with the conclusions pope. From the start of his adminisof the reviewers— tration until he died in 2005, a total goes before the of 467 saints were canonized. In his Congregation. defense, 400 of them were included Q: What about in large groups of martyrs. the miracles requirement? A: It gets a lot easier. Only two are required now.Two miracles total: one for beatification and one for canonization. It’s even easier if you’re a martyr.You only have to produce one miracle, and it applies to canonization. Once the Congregation substantiates the miraculous, the members put their heads together and make a decision: saint or not? Q: And if they say yes? A: A positive conclusion means the case gets submitted to the pope. He has the final authority, other than God. But the two of them presumably confer on the matter. And if the pope’s on board, book your tickets for the canonization ceremony. Once the mass has been said and you’ve been enrolled in the catalog of saints and the pope has unfurled a tapestry with your image on it, you’re solid. It’s done. Now people can venerate you, name their churches after you, name their towns after you, name their children after you, ask you for favors, kiss your relics, and carry around little cards with your picture on them. It’ll be great. Don’t let being dead keep you from enjoying it. Q: That’s all? A: That’s all. Q: Easy enough. On to the next chapter, then. A: Enjoy.

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Sts. Flotsam and Jetsam (An Assortment of Lists) or many saints, “The End” meant a violent and grisly martyrdom. In a spiritual sense, this wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. But in any other sense? It was pretty freakin’ horrific. The Pocket Guide prefers to close shop as non-horrifically as possible: with a bunch of random lists. And if any topic lends itself to listmaking, it’s this one. What follows is a virtuous medley of abilities, events, names, stories, and sayings involving excrement,1 all of which are somehow connected to the saintly realm. Enjoy.

F

1. See p. 194.

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Nine Saints with Nicknames That Sound like They Could Have Belonged to Professional Wrestlers 1. St. Julian the Hospitaler (Belgium, 7 a.d.), a.k.a. Julian the Poor 2. St. Gregory the Illuminator (Armenia, 257–330), a.k.a. Gregory the Enlightener 3. St. John the Dwarf (Egypt, 339–405), a.k.a. John Colobus 4. St. Ewald the Dark (England, seventh century) 5. St. John of the Goths (Russia, ninth century) 6. St. Isidore the Farmer (Spain, 1070–1130), a.k.a. Isidore the Laborer 7. Blessed Herman the Cripple (Switzerland, 1013–1054), a.k.a. Herman Contractus 8. St. Margaret the Barefooted (Italy, 1325–1395) 9. St. Benedict the Black (Italy, 1526–1589), a.k.a. Benedict the Moor

One Saint with a Nickname That Really Sounds like It Could Have Belonged to a Professional Wrestler 1. St. Mark the Wrestler (Egypt, fifth century), a.k.a. Mark the Ascetic Nine Saints and One Almost-Saint Who Practiced Mortification of the Flesh 1. St. Macarius of Egypt (300–391), who accidentally killed a flea and punished himself for this misdeed by spending six months

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in the desert, stark naked, exposing himself to the constant stinging of flies. 2. St. John Chrysostom (349–407), who lived for two years in a damp hermitage, memorizing the Bible and refusing to sit down. He didn’t sleep much and ended up doing serious damage to his health. 3. St. Eligius (588–660), who as a royal goldsmith wore all kinds of golden, jewel-encrusted finery on the outside. But underneath it all, he wore an itchy hair shirt with a rope belt, just to keep it real. He also kept it real by sleeping on a haircloth, weeping constantly, and beating himself in the chest during prayer. 4. St. Dominic Loricatus (995–1040), who subjected himself to one hundred years’ worth of penance over a period of six days, thanks to speed-reading through all 150 psalms twenty times, with each psalm accompanied by one hundred lashes. 5. St. Dominic de Guzman (1170–1221), who traveled widely but refused to wear shoes, especially when walking upon rocks or thorns. 6. St. Francis of Assisi (1181–1226), who referred to himself as “Brother Ass,” sported a hair shirt, sprinkled his food with ashes, and is said to have been a fan of self-flagellation. 7. St. Catherine of Siena (1347–1380), who routinely denied herself sleep and went for long periods ingesting nothing but the sacraments of communion. Thanks to the lack of sleep, the lack of food, and the abundance of Eucharistic wine, St. Catherine may also have suffered the pain of constant hangovers. 8. St.Thomas More (1478–1535), who found it spiritually uplifting to sleep on the floor with a log for a pillow.

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9. St. Ignatius of Loyola (1491–1556), who whipped himself three times a day, dangled an iron chain around his loins, and wore a hair shirt at all times, except when it snowed. Because the shirt, you see, kept him too warm and cozy while he slept on the icy ground. 10. Mother Teresa of Calcutta (1910–1997), who is said to have occasionally used a cilice—a small, inwardly spiked metal chain that is wrapped around the upper thigh for purposes of selfdiscipline. (And hopefully that’s the last time the Pocket Guide has to use “Mother Teresa” and “upper thigh” in the same sentence.)

Five Saints with Particularly Disturbing Icons and/or Other Artistic Representations 1. St. Bartholomew, one of the Twelve Disciples. Having been flayed alive and then crucified, he’s usually depicted holding a big knife and his own skin draped over his arm. 2. St. Ignatius of Antioch: Second-century bishop who was martyred by being cast to lions in the Roman arena. Typically shown with at least two lions gnawing on him. 3. St. Lucy: Third-century martyr whose eyes were gouged out in the long, imprecise process of her martyrdom. Usually depicted holding a golden plate with, yes, her disembodied eyeballs rolling around on it. 4. St. Agatha: Third-century martyr who rejected a judge’s sexual advances and was tortured by having her breasts cut off. Often shown carrying her amputated breasts on a platter.

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5. St.Thomas Becket, the famed archbishop who was martyred by four knights who put a sword in his head. He’s typically shown with . . . a sword in his head. Six Herbs, Medical Conditions, and/or WeatherRelated Phenomena Named After Saints 1. St. John’s Wort: A medicinal herb with yellow flowers, bloodred glands, and curative properties.2 These flowers were often burned in bonfires to protect crops, livestock, and people, and were thought to be most effective if harvested on June 24 (the feast day of St. John the Baptist). 2. St. Benedict’s Herb: A medicinal herb, supposedly blessed by St. Benedict, often used by modern herbalists to treat diarrhea, heart disease, mouth ulcers, and colic. In pre-scientific times, it was also used to drive away evil spirits and venomous snakes. (Should you find yourself experiencing intestinal problems or, you know, demon problems, ask for it by one of its more common names: wood avens or colewort.) 3. St.Vitus’ Dance: Another name for chorea, a neurological disorder that causes involuntary muscle contractions which, when occurring in the hands and feet, make it sort of look like you’re dancing. Because Vitus is the patron of dancers, the disorder is named after him. It seems a bit mean. 4. St. Anthony’s Fire: A red, painful inflammation of the skin caused by ergotism, which you get by eating wheat that’s been infected 2. These “properties” should be most accurately described as “alleged,” but herbal extracts of the plant have been clinically shown to aid in treating depression.

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by a particular fungus. It can lead to some nasty complications. Back in the eleventh century, the monks of the Order of St. Anthony were famous for treating this condition. 5. St. Elmo’s Fire: A bright blue electrical glow caused by electrical discharge from tall pointy objects, like church steeples or ships’ masts. It’s not really fire but visible, glowing plasma resulting from the electrified conditions of a lightning storm. Incidentally, it might make a good name for a movie about just-graduated college students transitioning into adulthood. 6. St. Martin’s Summer: The equivalent of Indian summer, only occurring in England or France, not in America. The feast day of St. Martin of Tours is November 11, and if the weather’s still nice around that date, he gets credit.

Three Saints with Disconcerting Dual Patronages 1. St. Joseph of Cupertino, patron saint of airline pilots and mentally handicapped people 2. St. Dismas, patron saint of undertakers and thieves 3. St. Camillus of Lellis, patron saint of gamblers and nurses Eight Saints with Brutally Ironic Patronages 1. St. Adrian of Nicomedia, patron saint of arms dealers, whose arms were amputated during his martyrdom. 2. St. Appolonia, patron saint of dentists, who was tortured by having her teeth pulled out during her martyrdom.

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3. St. Barbara, patron saint of those in danger of dying a sudden death, whose martyrdom lasted days and days. 4. St. Bartholomew, patron of tanners and leatherworkers, who was flayed alive before being crucified. 5. St. Dominic Savio, patron saint of juvenile delinquents, who was so undelinquent as a child that he’d stop fights by holding up a crucifix between the combatants and telling them they were making Jesus sad. 6. St. Eustace, patron of hunters, who converted when he saw a vision of Jesus between the horns of a stag.3 7. St. Sebastian, patron saint of archers (above), who was martyred in the third century by being tied to a stake and used as a human archery target. 8. St. Stephen, patron saint of headache sufferers, who became the first Christian martyr when he was stoned to death in the New Testament book of Acts. 3. One assumes the hunting population would decline a bit if every camo-draped dude with a rifle saw Jesus every time he tried to shoot Bambi.

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Eight Shrines Beginning with “Our Lady” and Ending with Unexpectedly Compelling Other Words 1. Our Lady of the Milk and Happy Delivery (St. Augustine, Florida; also known as Our Lady of La Leche), where worshippers in St. Augustine, Florida, ask Mary to intercede for a safe, healthy childbirth. With plenty of milk. 2. Our Lady of Good Help (Green Bay, Wisconsin), a redundantly named shrine erected to commemorate Mary’s alleged appearance to a midwestern girl named Adele Brise in 1859. 3. Our Lady of Consolation of West Grinstead (West Sussex, England), where priests and seminarians used to hide from authorities, back when it was against the law to not be part of the Church of England—which meant it was against the law to be Catholic.4 The shrine has a number of hiding places called “priest holes,” which sound kinda dirty but aren’t really. 4. Our Lady of the Highways (Raymond, Illinois), where you can stop along the Historic Route 66 to ask for Mary’s guidance, for traveling mercies, and for help in maximizing your vehicle’s fuel economy. 5. Our Lady of the Snows (Belleville, Illinois), which is based on a legend about a miraculous snowfall—attributed to Mary—in Rome in August of 352. In the seminar chapel, you can find a painting of Mary tastefully backlit by the Northern Lights.

4. In the late sixteenth century, beginning with the reign of Elizabeth I, a priest could be imprisoned for practicing Roman Catholic religious rites.

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6. Our Lady of Yankalilla (Yankalilla, South Australia), where an image of Mary is said to have appeared on the wall of—gasp!— an old Anglican church in 1994. It’s the world’s newest and most ecumenical Marian shrine, mate. 7. Our Lady of Prompt Succor (New Orleans, Louisiana), where Mother St. Michel, back in 1803, asked for Mary’s help in delivering a letter to the Pope, who was sort of hard to reach, since Napoleon was holding him prisoner. The Virgin—not typically revered for her knowledge of postal codes—made a successful delivery, as the Mother received a papal reply in 1809. Six years: that’s some prompt succor right there, baby. 8. Our Lady of the Crag (North Yorkshire, England), where some fellow named “John the Mason” carved a hole in the rock to commemorate the Virgin saving his son from a rockslide in or around 1408.You would think that would make it the oldest wayside shrine in Britain, but you’d be wrong; it’s only the third oldest. One Miraculous Story Involving the Growth of Facial Hair on a Female Saint 1. An anonymous pagan king of Portugal had septuplets. One was a very attractive girl named Wilgefortis. Along with her brothers and sisters, she became a Christian and, as many saints tend to do, took a vow of virginity. Unfortunately, Wilgey’s father wanted her to marry the king of Sicily. This kinked up her virginity plans, so she prayed and asked God to make her ugly. God answered her prayer by blessing her with an abundant growth of facial hair. That’s right: pretty

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young Wilgefortis grew a holy mustache and beard. The king of Sicily backed out of the wedding. Her angry father had his bearded daughter crucified.

Five Combinations of Saints’ Names with the Word Sweet, Which Make Useful Exclamatory Expressions 1. Sweet Anthony of Saxony! (to be uttered upon being slain by a pagan chieftain) 2. Sweet Kundegunda! (to be shouted upon finding out your young daughter is being forced to marry an important man) 3. Sweet Stephen of Mar-Saba! (to be exclaimed should a bright light emanate from your body during a celebration of the Eucharist) 4. Sweet Wiro the Bishop! (to be declared when given a tract of land by a barefoot prince) 5. Sweet Sassy Zita! (to be spoken when given a laborious amount of work to do) Eight Saints Who Were Hard to Martyr 1. St. John the Evangelist (first century), one of the original disciples of Jesus, who as an old man was sentenced to execution by being boiled in oil. He was stripped naked and tossed into a smoldering cauldron. John landed in the pot, scuffled around a bit, and—wonder of wonders!—just stood up, unscathed. The executioners stoked the fire some more. Still nothing.

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Eventually John just climbed out. So instead of getting killed, he got exiled to the Isle of Patmos.5 2. St. Cecilia (second century), who was first locked in an overheated bathhouse.When that failed to kill her, decapitation was attempted. But after three axe-swings, Cecilia still had her head.This caused the executioner to run away . . . probably to sharpen his axe. It took Cecilia three days to die from the neck wounds. 3. St.Vitus (third century), who was thrown to lions, but the lions refused to rip him into tiny bits with their pointy teeth and razor-sharp claws. Instead, they licked him. Affectionately. 4. St.Venantius of Camerino (third century), who got scourged, burned with torches, hung upside-down over a fire, had his jaw broken and his teeth knocked out, got thrown to lions, and was heaved from a high cliff. Then he died via decapitation. 5. St. Denis (third century), who also was executed by having his head cut off. But he was a resilient fellow, so he calmly picked up his head and walked another two miles down the road. And he did it while preaching a sermon.6 Oughta be the patron saint of multitasking. 6. St. Erasmus (third century), who refused to die despite being dipped in pitch and set on fire, dropped into a pit of snakes, 5. It was during this exile that John received the vision that led to his writing of the New Testament book of Revelation. So you can blame the entire Left Behind series on the old apostle’s burn-retardant skin. 6. The story of St. Denis has been a difficult one for artists to figure out, because he’s always depicted holding his head in his hands. So where do you put the halo? Sometimes it’s just floating there above the head, near chest level. In other places, the halo sits where it normally would be . . . above the neck, but without a head beneath it.

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wrapped in a scalding metal coat, drizzled with burning oil and sulfur, forced to ingest molten lead, enclosed in a spike-lined barrel and rolled down a hill, roasted on a spit, and nailed to the ground. Through all this torture, angels attended his wounds so he could continue to preach. Until his abdomen was ripped open and his guts pulled out with iron hooks, Braveheart-style. That killed him. Some wounds are angel-proof. 7. St. Blaise (third and fourth century), who was tossed into a lake. But instead of drowning, he planted his feet upon its surface in a very Jesus-like fashion. He then invited his accusers out to join him. Those who did ended up drowning. This was great news, until Blaise returned to shore. That’s when the drowning victims’ friends and colleagues grabbed him, beat him up, scourged him with wool combs, and lopped off his head. 8. St.Winifride of Wales (seventh century), who was beheaded by a Welsh chieftain named Caradog when she refused to marry him. But Winifride’s kindly uncle Beuno wouldn’t stand for that, so he raised her from the dead by reconnecting her head with her body.7 She died of old age.

One Hilarious Poo-Related Statement Attributed to a Saint 1. “Do you pay such honor to your excrements as to receive them into a silver chamber-pot when another man made in the image of God is perishing in the cold?” ( John Chrysostom)8 7. Beuno then cursed Caradog, who was swallowed up by the earth. So there. 8. Liebeschuetz, J.H.W.G. Barbarians and Bishops: Army, Church, and State in the Age of Arcadius and Chrysostom (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1990), p. 176.

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Ten Saints Who Were Kind to Animals 1. St. Jerome (347–420), who plucked a thorn from the injured paw of a lion. 2. St. Felix of Nola (third century), who once located and returned some oxen that had been stolen from a peasant. 3. St. Blaise (fourth century), a bishop and martyr to whom sick or wounded wild animals would go for healing. 4. St. Mark the Ascetic (fifth century), a monk said to have once healed a blind hyena. 5. St. Ciarán of Saighir (fifth, sixth centuries), an Irish bishop who employed a wolf, a badger, and a fox at his monastery. The three animals helped him cut wood and construct huts.9 6. St. Melangell (sixth century), an Irish princess who was living in a hut in the woods (she was in hiding to get out of an arranged marriage) when a rabbit, being chased by snarling dogs, leapt into her lap and hid in her sleeve. The dogs belonged to a prince who, after encountering Melangell, decided to turn the woods into a rabbit sanctuary. 7. St. Francis of Assisi (1182–1286), who preached to birds, tamed a man-eating wolf, and often returned caught fish to the water—but not before cautioning them to be more careful in the future.

9. In one unfortunate incident, the fox stole Ciarán’s shoes. So Ciarán sent the badger to bring the fox back. When the fox returned, Ciarán instructed him to fast and do penance for his sin. Apparently thinking he was a character in one of Aesop’s fables, the fox obeyed.

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8. St. Anthony of Padua (1195–1231), who displayed a consecrated host to a mule, which caused the mule to instantaneously bow to it and reject the hay it had been eating. 9. St. Nicholas of Torentino (1245–1305), a vegetarian who was once served a cooked-up bird. So he made the sign of the cross over the fowl and resurrected it. The bird then flew away through the window. 10. St. Martin de Porres (1579–1639), who turned his sister’s room into a hospital for injured dogs and cats, and is said to have once resurrected a dog that had been beaten to death. He made it his pet.

Six Saints with Ridiculously Dull Names 1. St. Blandina, a second-century martyr 2. St. Faith, a third-century martyr 3. St. Chad, a fourth-century bishop in Northumbria 4. St. Bean, an eleventh-century bishop in Scotland 5. St. Eric of Sweden, a twelfth-century king 6. St. John of God, a sixteenth-century Portuguese friar Twenty Occupations or Situations Which Don’t Yet Have a Patron Saint, but Need One 1. Reality television stars who have been voted out, eliminated, or otherwise removed from the show

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2. Long-shot political candidates with absolutely no chance of winning 3. Disgraced professional athletes 4. Celebrities entering rehab 5. Celebrities who pledge to turn their lives around after a stint in rehab 6. Celebrities re-entering rehab 7. Scientologists 8. Those experiencing tattoo regret 9. People who became famous because of an embarrassing YouTube clip 10. Men who have been kicked, poked, punched, or otherwise struck in the groin on a nationally broadcast home video 11. Yoga instructors 12. Breakdancers 13. Children born to and/or adopted by famous people 14. People camping out in line to buy concert tickets, see a muchanticipated movie, or score a hot new product 15. People wearing and overusing Bluetooth earpieces 16. People who have had plastic surgery and you can totally tell 17. Hip-hop impresarios 18. Dot-com billionaires 19. Influential bloggers

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20. People with parsley, pepper, or something similarly noticeable stuck in their teeth all day long but they just now found out

Seven Well-Known “Servants of God” Whose Canonizations Are Still in Process 1. Pope John Paul II (1920–2005) 2. Mother Teresa of Calcutta (1910–1997) 3. Oscar Romero of El Salvador (1917–1980) 4. Dorothy Day (1897–1980) 5. Pope John XXIII (1881–1963) 6. John Henry Cardinal Newman (1801–1890) 7. Kateri Tekakwitha (1656–1680) Three Saints Whose Relics Ooze Oil (or So They Say) 1. St.Walburga, an Anglo-Saxon abbess from the eighth century, whose relics leak an oily substance from the stone slab they rest upon at a church in Bavaria. The Sisters of St. Benedict, who run the church, collect the oil in a silver cup and distribute it as a remedy against diseases. These days, everyone pretty much figures it’s just water, but it came into direct contact with saintly relics, so—who knows?—maybe it’s magic water. Or bacteriaenriched water. 2. St. Nicholas of Myra, the original Santa Claus, whose bones at the Basilica di San Nicola in Bari, Italy, allegedly leak a

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clear, oily substance known for having medicinal powers. Conveniently, this occurs every year on his feast day. Scientists believe the oil is what keeps Santa’s cheeks so rosy. 3. St. Menas, an Egyptian martyr from the third century. Back in the early part of the twentieth century, an excavation in the Libyan desert uncovered thousands of flasks with the inscription Eulogia tou agiou mena (“In remembrance of St. Menas”). These flasks have been discovered all over Europe, too, thanks to the popularity of pilgrimages to St. Menas’ shrine. But they probably didn’t contain oil. Inscriptions on some flasks indicate it was special water from a well near the shrine of St. Menas. Nice try, Menas, but we know the difference between oil produced by relics and well water. Sheesh.

One Saint Whose Tomb Emits a Powdery White Substance (or So They Say) 1. St. John the Evangelist, the disciple and traditional author of the Gospel of John and the apocalyptic book of Revelation, whose sepulcher was once described as emanating a white flourlike substance. The substance was lost to history when Keith Richards happened upon it and snorted it straight away. Eight Saints Whose Bodies Are Famously Incorrupt 1. St. Silvan (fourth century), a really old martyr whose body is housed at the Church of St. Blaise in Dubrovnik, Croatia.Very little is known about him, but you can definitely see a big

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gaping slice across his neck. Despite the obvious carnage, he’s remarkably intact. Especially for a 1,700-year-old dead guy. 2. St. Zita (1212–1272), a hard-working house servant who instigated a religious awakening among the members of the household. Zita’s body was mummified—and is more than seven hundred years old—so “incorrupt” in this instance means discolored and nasty but not yet falling apart. She’s housed in St. Frediano’s Church in Lucca, Italy. 3. St. Catherine of Bologna (1413–1463), an Italian saint, mystic, and Mother Superior of a convent. When she died, she was buried without embalming or a casket but was quickly exhumed because (1) lots of miracles started happening near her grave, and (2) the grave was giving off a surprisingly sweet smell. Her body is displayed sitting up behind glass at the Chapel of the Poor Clares in Bologna. Incorruptible bodies are creepy enough, but one that’s sitting there looking at you? Zoinks, Scoob. 4. St.Vincent de Paul (1581–1660), a parish priest whose body is displayed at the Church of Vincent de Paul in Paris. His face appears to be smiling, and why not? The afterlife’s not bad when you’re a saint.10 5. St.Veronica Giuliani (1660–1727), an Italian mystic known for being an early adopter when it came to holiness. As legend has it, she was eighteen months old when she spoke her first words. They came in the form of a warning to an ethically challenged

10. Vincent de Paul looks really good in the photos. That’s because the real body is hidden behind a wax figure (see the St. Bernadette footnote on the next page for more on this). His actual incorrupt parts are only his bones and his heart. But aren’t bones pretty much “incorrupt” as a rule?

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shopkeeper: “God sees you.” Later, she had a lot of weird visions that resulted in physical ailments, including the stigmata, the marks of the crown of thorns around her head, and the figure of the cross impressed upon her heart (discovered after she died).You can check it out for yourself at the monastery named after her in Città di Castello, Italy. She still looks fairly good for her age. 6. St. John Vianney (1786–1859), a French parish priest who began studying for the priesthood during the French Revolution. He is best known for giving scary sermons on hell and judgment and working miracles in the tiny, remote village of Ars-enDombes. His reputation attracted thousands of visitors to his church.Vianney’s body still appears remarkably incorrupt, but then he had one of those sunken-cheekbone faces that made him look a few days dead even when he was very much alive. 7. St. Bernadette (1844–1879), who reported seeing multiple visions of “a small young Lady” over the course of several months in 1858 in Lourdes, France. This apparition may or may not have been the Virgin Mary (see pp. 209–210). Church officials exhumed Bernadette’s body several decades after her death, and she had barely decomposed at all, so most people think her Mary sightings were legit—or so one might assume of the five million Catholics who visit her shrine in Lourdes each year.11 Bernadette was canonized in 1933. 11. There are plenty of high-quality photos of St. Bernadette’s remains. Seeing one, you might be surprised how undecomposed she really seems to be, because despite looking a bit waxy, she still appears fairly human. This is why: The best-known photo—a close-up of her face and hands—actually depicts a “light wax mask” that covers her actual face and hands. Because Church officials thought her sunken dead eyes and black-tinged skin might freak people out. Good idea, because a plain old incorrupt body isn’t freaky at all.

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8. St. John Bosco (1815–1888), a famous priest and educator, known for a revolutionary teaching style (at the time) based on kindness and love rather than strict punishment. He also worked a lot of miracles and had symbolic dreams that were, apparently, messages from God. His lemony-fresh body rests in a glass box at the Basilica di Maria Ausiliatrice, in Turin, along with six thousand other saintly relics that are, presumably, not quite as fresh.

The First and Last Saints, Alphabetically, as Recognized by the Roman Catholic Church 1. St. Aaron (third century), a British martyr 2. St. Zosimus of Syracuse (seventh century), a Sicilian monk and bishop Thirteen One-Named Saints Whose Names Contain Eleven or More Letters 1. St. Bartholomew (first century), one of Jesus’ original twelve disciples 2. St. Bonaventure (1218–1274), a French friar,12 bishop, and cardinal 3. St. Christopher (third century), the dog-headed, Jesus-ferrying patron of travelers

12. It would be wrong to assume a “French friar”/ “French fry” joke was forthcoming here.

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4. St. Chrysogonus (fourth century), a Roman martyr 5. St. Emerentiana (fourth century), also a Roman martyr 6. St. Etheldritha (ninth century), a hermit in Mercia. 7. St. Ethelbricht (seventh century), a martyred prince of the house of Kent 8. St. Geminianus (fourth century), a Roman deacon, bishop, and martyr 9. St. Marcellinus (fourth century), yet another Roman martyr 10. St. Quentigerna (eighth century), an anchoress in Scotland 11. St. Scholastica (sixth century), the sister of Benedict and the first Benedictine nun 12. St.Theorigitha (seventh century), a British nun 13. St.Wilgefortis (unknown), the martyred and bearded daughter of a pagan king of Portugal

Six Single-Named Saints Whose Names Contain Only Three Letters 1. St. Aed (sixth century), an Irish bishop 2. St. Ewe (Middle Ages?), patron of St. Ewe in Cornwall13 3. St. Ita (sixth century), an Irish nun 4. St. Ivo (1235–1303), a French judge and priest 5. St. Iwi (seventh century), a Northumbrian monk and deacon 13. Little else is known about her. Or him.

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6. St. Oda (ninth century), the archbishop of Canterbury 7. St. Uny, an unknown saint of Cornwall One Single-Named Saint Whose Name Contains Only Two Letters 1. St. Ia (sixth century), an Irish virgin who allegedly sailed across the Irish sea on a leaf! Silly Ia. That’s not safe.14

Thirteen Personal Goods a Monk May Possess, According to the Rule of St. Benedict 1. Two woolen cowls for winter (one for wearing while the other is being washed) 2. Two tunics for summer (one for wearing while the other is being washed) 3. A scapular for work15 4. Stockings (one pair) 5. Shoes (one pair) 6. A girdle 7. A straw mattress 14. Sometimes she’s known as St. Ives. Speaking of which: Once, on the way to St. Ives, the Pocket Guide met a man with seven wives. It’s kind of a long story, though. 15. A scapular is the long piece of fabric that drapes over a monk’s tunic. It’s like a really long over-the-shoulders apron, probably worn by Benedict’s monks to keep the tunic clean during manual labor.

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8. A blanket 9. A pillow 10. A knife 11. A pen 12. A needle 13. A towel 14. A writing tablet16 Nine Saints Who Levitated 1. St. Luke the Younger (tenth century), one of the earliest saints to be seen levitating while praying. 2. St. Christina the Astonishing (Belgium, 1150–1224), who levitated at her own funeral until a priest told her to come down. She wasn’t actually dead, though. She had suffered a massive seizure and people thought she was dead. Until she woke up, at which point she took to the air and everyone fled in horror. It was possibly the best funeral ever. 3. St.Thomas Aquinas (Italy, 1225–1274), who was more known for his intellect than his mystical experiences, yet was discovered at least once hovering off the floor during a fit of ecstasy. 4. St. Peter of Alcantara (Spain, 1499–1562), who often slipped into ecstasy while practicing contemplative prayer, which usually

16. Courtesy of Chapter LV in the 1949 edition of The Holy Rule of St. Benedict, translated by Rev. Boniface Verheyen, OSB (available online at www.ccel.org).

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led to levitation. Which isn’t as cool as levitating at your own funeral but rare enough for a mention. 5. St. Francis Xavier (Spain, 1506–1552), who levitated while distributing communion during his missionary travels in Goa, India. 6. St.Teresa of Ávila (Spain, 1515–1582), who on numerous occasions was seen levitating during mass. 7. St. Joseph of Cupertino (Italy, 1603–1663), who apparently did little else but levitate. People called him “The Flying Saint,” among other less-complimentary nicknames. (See p. 115 in Chapter 4.) 8. St. Francis Fasani (Italy, 1681–1742), who was known to have levitated during intense times of prayer. 9. St. Alphonsus Liguori (Italy, 1696–1787), who was once lifted several feet off the ground while giving a sermon at Foggia and, as an old man, got all floaty when he spoke of God.

Six Superhero-Like Abilities Claimed by Saints but Not Related to Levitation 1. Near invincibility (several saints, including Sts. Erasmus and Denis—see pp. 192–194 earlier in this chapter) 2. Bilocation (several saints, including Sts. Martin de Porres and Padre Pio) 3. The ability to summon an archangel to help out during times of trouble (St. Gregory the Great, 540–604) 4. The ability to magically break a prisoner’s chains when they invoke your name (St. Leonard of Noblac, sixth century)

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5. The ability to summon up a spectre to repossess a lost item (St. Anthony of Padua, 1195–1231) 6. A close, speaking relationship with one’s guardian angel (St. Gemma Galgani of Italy, 1878–1903) Thirty Cities, Towns, Countries, or Nations Not Creative Enough to Pick Someone Other Than the Blessed Virgin Mary as Their Patron Saint 1. Africa

17. Nimes, France

2. Albania

18. Palestine

3. Antwerp, Belgium

19. Philippines

4. Australia

20. Poland

5. Basle, Switzerland

21. Portugal

6. Brazil

22. Rouen, France

7. Chartres, France

23. Salamanca, Spain

8. Colombia

24. Spain

9. Cuba

25. Sri Lanka

10. Dresden, Germany

26. Turin, Italy

11. Ecuador 12. Honduras

27. The United States of America

13. Indonesia

28. Uruguay

14. Jaen, Spain

29. Valencia, Spain

15. Luxembourg

30. Valladolid, Spain

16. New Zealand

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Twelve Feast Days Associated with the Virgin Mary 1. January 1 (Motherhood of Jesus) 2. February 2 (Purification of the Virgin, Presentation of Jesus at the Temple)17 3. March 25 (The Annunciation by the archangel Gabriel) 4. May 1 (Queen of Heaven) 5. May 31 (Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary to Elizabeth) 6. August 15 (The Assumption into Heaven—this is the main Marian feast day) 7. August 22 (The Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary) 8. September 8 (Happy Birthday, Mary!) 9. September 15 (Our Lady of Sorrows) 10. October 7 (Feast of the Most Holy Rosary) 11. November 21 (Presentation of Mary at the Temple as a Young Child) 12. December 8 (The Immaculate Conception) Eight Confirmed, Church-Approved Appearances of the Virgin Mary18 1. Guadalupe, Mexico (1531): A mere fourteen years after Martin Luther kicked off the Reformation, a brown-skinned Mary 17. Also known as Candlemas. The temple referred to here and in note 11 is the temple in Jerusalem. 18. There have been plenty more Marian apparitions—from weeping statues to images appearing on church walls—but they’re still under investigation by the Catholic Church, or the people reporting the apparition had crazy eyes and were hard to believe. But these? They’re “official.”

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asked indigenous farmer Juan Diego to build her an abbey. To prove she was serious, she miraculously supplied nonnative Castilian roses for him to harvest from the frozen winter ground, then she photocopied herself onto a cloth Juan presented to the local bishop. 2. Paris (1830): St. Catherine Laboure woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a child’s voice calling her to the chapel in the Rue du Bac. There, Mary appeared to her and told her “times are evil in France and the world” and she should follow instructions. Then Mary showed up a few months later with what seems to have been a heavenly PowerPoint presentation showing some artwork ideas on a medal Catherine was to design. Catherine obeyed, and the so-called Miraculous Medal became very popular.19 3. La Sallette, France (1846): Only two years before the wideranging European Revolutions of 1848, Mary appeared to two shepherd children—fourteen-year-old Mélanie Calvat and eleven-year-old Maximin Giraud—in this little village in the French Alps. She expressed dismay over current events, told the children to be less sinful, and then disappeared into the sky. A bunch of conversions and miraculous healings followed. 4. Lourdes, France (1858): In February of 1858, a fourteen-year-old girl named Bernadette Soubirous was out gathering firewood when she saw a beautiful lady dressed in white. Over the next few months, Mary appeared to Bernadette seventeen more times at the same grotto. Because increasing numbers of people 19. It contains a statement about Mary being “conceived without sin” and is therefore also known as the Medal of the Immaculate Conception. If you wear it, you’re supposed to receive great blessings. But not in a magic kind of way. Not at all.

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began tagging along with Bernadette, lots of people got a glimpse of Mary. Among the many instructions she gave was for people to drink from the grotto’s spring, which—behold!— turned out to have spontaneous healing properties. 5. Fatima, Portugal (1917): Mary again shows her fondness for shepherd children with an appearance to Lucia dos Santos (ten) and her cousins Francisco (eight) and Jacinta Marto (seven). She appeared several times between May and October, always on the thirteenth day of the month, and inspired the children to start acting less like kids and more like weirdly ascetic penitents. They began wearing tight cords around their waists and refusing to drink water on hot days. The final miracle occurred when seventy thousand pilgrims saw the sun do a zig-zag thing in the sky, which doesn’t seem to have had all that much to do with Mary but was impressive all the same. 6. Pontmain, France (1871): A beautiful woman in a blue robe and a golden crown appeared in the sky to a bunch of children. She stayed there for the next three hours, which was long enough for a crowd to gather. The apparition ended after Mary unfurled a white banner that somehow communicated the compassion of Jesus and God’s willingness to grant requests. Five days later, the armistice ending the Franco-Prussian War was signed. Mary gets credit for the assist. 7. Beauriang, France (1932–1933): Between November 29 and January 3—around the same time Hitler was rising to power— five children saw Mary several times. Once she was “walking in the air” above a railway bridge. Later, she displayed her shiny gold heart.20 Then she spoke to them and told them to build 20. This apparition is sometimes known as “The Virgin of the Golden Heart.”

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her a chapel for pilgrims, and to pray more often, and to be good little kids in general. 8. Knock, Ireland (1879): In August, the Virgin appeared at the south gable of Knock Parish Church—along with St. Joseph and St. John the Evangelist—to at least fifteen people of various ages. Mary was wearing white robes and a glittery crown decorated with a golden rose. The witnesses watched the apparition for two hours, in the rain. But the gable where the three appeared didn’t get wet at all.

Sixteen Reasonable Assumptions That Can Be Made About the Blessed Virgin Mary, Based on Accounts of Her Apparitions 1. Mary still dresses in traditional biblical garb, which includes a veil over her head. 2. Mary is partial to the colors blue and white. 3. Mary’s favorite hair accessory is her crown. 4. Mary sure has a light complexion for a first-century MiddleEastern Jewish girl. 5. Mary is quite beautiful, as one might expect. 6. Mary prefers the way she looked as an adult woman, because that’s how she usually shows herself, even though scholars think the historical Mary was probably a young teenager when she had the Baby Jesus. And even though she lived into late middle age. 7. Mary likes to show off her heart, which is sometimes red and sometimes gold and weirdly visible within her chest cavity.

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8. Mary prefers to appear to children, indigenous peoples with little education, or members of religious orders who are already pretty fascinated by her. 9. Mary’s first choice is to float in the air during appearances. If that’s not an option, she’ll stand on the ground, like a normal person. As a last resort, she’ll project, stamp, or otherwise conceal her image in natural markings, like wood grain or mold patterns on a wall. 10. Mary’s favorite means of illumination is backlighting, especially if it gives her the appearance of glowing rays emanating from directly behind her, like sunshine. 11. Mary might have a secret for you. 12. Mary is shy at first, but she gets more talkative once she gets to know you. 13. Mary is sad, probably because of something you’ve done. Or something mankind has done. Either way, you’d better shape up. 14. Mary keeps up with world events. 15. Mary wants to heal you from your diseases. If she can’t personally handle it, she doesn’t mind passing that stuff over to Jesus. 16. Mary has, perhaps, an unhealthy need to tell people to build shrines to her. Fifteen Dead People Who Aren’t Saints but Probably Could Be, If Only They Were Catholic 1. Martin Luther (1483–1546), German theologian and unofficial founder of Protestantism

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2. John Calvin (1509–1564), French theologian and Protestant reformer 3. John Wesley (1703–1791), Anglican minister and founder of Methodism 4. William Wilberforce (1759–1833), British politician, abolitionist, and Anglican 5. Sojourner Truth (1797–1883), slave-turned-abolitionist, thought to have been a Seventh Day Adventist 6. Charles Spurgeon (1834–1892), famed Reformed Baptist preacher 7. Susan B. Anthony (1820–1906), early suffragist, women’s rights activist, and Quaker21 8. Harriet Tubman (1820–1913), slave-turned-abolitionist, “conductor” of the Underground Railroad, and African Methodist Episcopalian 9. Deitrich Bonhoeffer (1906–1945), German Lutheran theologian and Nazi resister 10. Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948), Indian political and spiritual leader 11. Helen Keller (1880–1968), deaf and blind author, feminist, activist, and follower of the religious teachings of Emanuel Swedenborg22 21. Susan B. Anthony’s fellow advocate, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, doesn’t make this list. Though she grew up Presbyterian, she ended up an atheist. Atheists make lousy saints. 22. Swedenborgianism: a new-ish religion that combines a few Christian elements with some less-than-orthodox ideas taught by Swedenborg, an eighteenth-century theologian and mystic. Other famous Swedenborgians include Johnny Appleseed (!) and William Blake.

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12. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929–1968), Baptist minister and American civil rights leader 13. Mr. Fred Rogers (1928–2003), beloved television host and Presbyterian minister 14. Ronald Reagan (1911–2004), popular former U.S. president and Presbyterian 15. Rosa Parks (1913–2005), civil rights activist and Methodist

Four Living People Who Aren’t Saints but Might as Well Be, Catholic or Not 1. Bono 2. Al Gore 3. Billy Graham 4. Oprah Winfrey Eight Categories of People Most Likely to Become a Saint 1. Monks 2. Nuns 3. Abbots/Abbesses 4. Priests 5. Popes 6. Ascetics/Hermits 7. People Who Have Not Had Any Sex, Ever 8. People Who Have Seen a Vision of the Virgin Mary

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Eight Categories of People Least Likely to Become a Saint 1. Serial Killers 2. Ruthless Dictators 3. Politicians 4. Producers of Reality Television Shows 5. Participants in Reality Television Shows 6. Drunk, Wealthy Celebrity Starlets 7. Married People 8. Protestants

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Selected Bibliography he following titles are much more scholarly than this book and therefore were of utmost importance in putting the Pocket Guide together. Any errors, omissions, annoyances, and/or offenses taken in the preceding pages are not due to anything occurring in the excellent books listed here but are clearly the result of St. Frances de Sales (patron saint of writers), St. John of God (publishers), and St. Martin of Tours (geese) not pulling their weight.

T

Baring-Gould, Rev. S. The Lives of the Saints (Whitefish, MT: Kessinger, 2007). (Originally published 1877.) Bede. The Ecclesiastical History of the English People. Roger Collins and Judith McClure, eds. (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1999). Butler, Fr. A. Butler’s Lives of the Saints: Concise, Modernized Edition. Bernard Bangley, ed. (Orleans, MA: Paraclete, 2005). Craughwell, T. This Saint’s For You! 300 Heavenly Allies for Architects, Athletes, Brides, Bachelors, Babies, Librarians, Murderers,Whales,Widows, and You (Philadelphia: Quirk Books, 2007.) Cunningham, L. A Brief History of Saints (Malden, MA: Blackwell, 2005). Delaney, J. Dictionary of Saints (New York: Image, Doubleday, 2005).

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SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

Farmer, D. The Oxford Dictionary of Saints, 4th ed. (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1997). McBrien, R. Lives of the Saints: From Mary and St. Francis of Assisi to John XXIII and Mother Teresa (San Francisco: HarperOne, 2001). Sellner, E. Wisdom of the Celtic Saints. (Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1993). Woodward, K. Making Saints: How the Catholic Church Determines Who Becomes a Saint,Who Doesn’t, and Why (New York: Touchstone, 1996).

It should also be noted that if you want to know something about a particular saint not covered in this book, you should investigate the following Web sites, where the bias is moderate, the piety is high, and the information is (generally) accurate: Catholic Online [www.catholic.org/saints]. Catholic Encyclopedia [www.newadvent.org/cathen]. Patron Saints Index [www.catholic-forum.com/saints/indexsnt.html].

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The Author ason Boyett is the author of several books, including Pocket Guide to the Bible, Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, and Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse. Though not a professional theologian or historian, he has long been fascinated by religion and history. And pockets, apparently. Which explains this series. Jason has been featured on the History Channel and National Geographic Channel and also enjoys addressing audiences larger than a camera lens. He blogs regularly at www.jasonboyett.com, makes a lot of noise on Twitter (twitter.com/jasonboyett), and writes for a variety of publications. Jason lives in Texas with his wife, Aimee, and their two children. Learn more about the Pocket Guides at www.pocketguidesite .com.

J

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Also by Jason Boyett

Pocket Guide to the Bible A Little Book About the Big Book

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This short, humorous guide to the Bible touches on the interesting, the touching, the off-beat, the unexpected, the unusual, and the downright weird. Including: ™ Biblicabulary (A Glossary of the Good Book) ™ Cast of Characters (A to Z) ™ What Happens, Part 1 (The Old Testament at Breakneck Speed) ™ What Happens, Part 2 (The New Testament at Breakneck Speed) ™ The Brief History of Holy Writ (A Timeline) ™ Versions and Perversions (A Selective Survey of Translations) ™ List Ye Be Smitten (Biblical Flotsam and Jetsam)

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A Christianity Worth Believing Hope-Filled, Open-Armed, Aliveand-Well Faith for the Left Out, Left Behind, and Let Down in Us All

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“Pagitt clearly articulates both the heart and theology of the Emergent movement…Postmodern readers struggling with current expressions of faith will see love and hope.” —Publishers Weekly Pagitt shows readers new ways to think about Christianity, with new hopes, new understandings, and new outcomes so that they may also discover the renewal that comes with an expanded vision of life with God. A Christianity Worth Believing is intended for the growing numbers of people who have serious and thoughtful questions about Christianity, those who have lived for years with deep-seated wondering and doubts about the sustainability of contemporary Christianity, remain committed to the church, but struggle to feel enlivened by the message they hear. This book encourages and nurtures those questions into a deeper faith.

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It’s Really All About God Reflections of a Muslim Atheist Jewish Christian

Samir Selmanovic Hardcover | 224 pp. ISBN: 978-0-4704-3326-3

“This book is absolutely amazing. Without losing any depth, it is personal, powerfully coherent, and complete. I am a raving fan of this book.” —Brian McLaren It's Really All About God asserts in cogent, personal, and uplifting ways that we need to look to each other and beyond our limited horizons to find God. It gives us a very personal exploration of a radically different way to hold religion that is life-giving, that blesses us and those around us, regardless of our tradition.

Samir Selmanovic knows what it is to be both insider and outsider. Born into a secular Muslim family in Croatia, he converted from atheist to Christian while in the Yugoslavian army and was disowned by his family for his conversion. He trained as a pastor, he now leads Faith House Manhattan, an interfaith community that brings Christians, Muslims, Jews, atheists and humanists together in an unprecedented way.

Credits This page is a continuation of the copyright page Chapter openers taken from “Greek Orthodox Painting” H. Wiesenhofer/Photolink /Stockbyte/ Getty Images. p. 18.

p. 57.

p. 87.

p. 109. p. 129.

p. 158.

p. 179. p. 189.

St. Catherine of Alexandria, St. Mary Magdalene and St. Margaret of Antioch, c.1380 (tempera on panel) by Master of the Trebon Altarpiece (fl.1380) Narodni Galerie, Prague, Czech Republic/ The Bridgeman Art Library. Historiated initial ‘A’ depicting St. Benedict offering his soul to God the Father, Lombardy School (vellum) by Master of the Vitae Imperatorum (fl.1431-59) Musee Marmottan, Paris, France/ Giraudon/ The Bridgeman Art Library. Francesco Del Cossa (c. 1436- 1478); Santa Lucia; c. 1470; oil on tempera; 31" × 22". Used by permission of Dover Publications, Inc. © 2007. “Laughing Nun” Hulton Archive/ Getty Images. © 2007 Getty Images. St. Apollonia (xylograph) by German School (15th century) Bibliotheque Nationale, Paris, France/ Giraudon/ The Bridgeman Art Library. The Martyrdom of St. Bartholomew (oil on canvas) by Jusepe de Ribera (c.1590-1652) Colegiata de Santa Maria Church, Osuna, Spain/ Giraudon/ The Bridgeman Art Library. (Padre Pio) “Stigmatic” Keystone/Hulton Archive/ Getty Images. © 2007 Getty Images. Giuliano Bugiardini (1475-1554); Saint Sebastian; c. 1518; oil on canvas; 651/3" × 42". Used by permission of Dover Publications, Inc. © 2007.

“Boyett’s witty, weird, and sometimes even wise Pocket Guides are proof that the best things do come in small packages.”

—DANIEL RADOSH, AUTHOR, RAPTURE READY!

W

e name our cities, hospitals, and churches after them. We flock to shrines bearing their remains. We ask for their help when we lose our keys. Who are these saints, what made them so holy, and what in the world are those birds doing on St. Francis’s shoulder? Jason Boyett’s Pocket Guide to Sainthood takes an intriguing and unflinching look at the fascinating—and fascinatingly weird—lives of the saints. Whether you are a Catholic desperately needing a patron, or a Protestant trying to identify your cabbie’s bobblehead, this may be as close as you ever come to true holiness. Make the most of it by learning

★How St. Denis delivered his best sermon while holding his own decapitated head

★Why both hair shirts and nakedness are mainstays of saintly fashion ★Which saints are the patrons of bowel disorders, serial killers, and other useful categories

★What is involved in the canonization process, should you get so lucky…or martyred

With Pocket Guide to Sainthood, virtue just got a whole lot more entertaining. JA S O N B O Y E T T is not a professional theologian or historian but that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. His work has appeared in a variety of publications as well as on his blog (www.jasonboyett.com). He lives in Texas with his wife and children.

explains complex religious subjects with a lethal dose of educational hilarity, guided by the author’s insatiable curiosity, humor, and gentle irreverence. The Pocket Guide series includes Pocket Guide to the Bible, Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, and this book. Discover more at www.pocketguidesite.com. RELIGION U.S. $12.95 | CAN $15.95

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