101 Ways to Spend Your Lottery Millions

Copyright © Jenny Humphreys 1995-2000 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP United Kingdom www.summersdale.com Original illustrations by Sophie Sitwell. Thanks to Mindy Kelly and Clare Roskell.

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This book is dedicated to Wayne. No, seriously, this book is for my Mum, Bernie, Mike and all my wonderful friends.

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So . . . it was YOU! Not a tenner. Not £60. Not £19,361.52. Come down from the light fitting, let go of the cat’s neck, stop snogging the screen. Because tonight, dear punter, you have become a MULTI MILLIONAIRE! The relatives, the neighbours, the Press, the Camelot Financial Advisors, the bloke around the corner who delivers your paper, that really obnoxious guy at work who wears zip-up cardigans they’re all going to offer you countless (and more than often pointless) suggestions for investing, increasing, expanding, possibly burying your new found and spankingly exciting fortune. Forget them. After a lifetime of cost-cutting and saving, you might just feel like splashing out a little. Some guidance may be appreciated or even vitally necessary. But not from the above. No siree. For there is only one guide you require, an almanac designed with

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your specific needs at heart. This very book will teach you how to part with your millions in the most enjoyable, inventive, exciting, maybe even arousing methods. No other book is as dedicated to the art of spending. You have already shown expertise in this area by purchasing this book. Now read on and see how it’s really done...

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1 First of all, and most importantly, you must find yourself a bank. A good, safe, strong bank where your spondoolies will be secure and protected. A big, fat, round bank with cute floppy ears and a wiggly tail. And a snout. • It will have to be big. We are talking of about eight briefcases full of notes. • It will need to be about 2ft by 4ft. And why not have it goldplated, jewel encrusted or made of finest porcelain? The dimensions could be reduced by the cost of the pig alone. • And then you can relax, safe in the knowledge that nobody will try to fiddle your accounts or try to remove obscene amounts of your money for tax purposes. Wire it up to the mains and nobody can swipe it either. • However, this will be only temporary storage, since your new purpose in life is to spend, spend, spend!

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2 I think the best thing to do is to have a little break. You’ll want to get away from all the media hype and the wingeing relatives. Why not gather together five of your nearest and dearest and just head off for a week of sheer, unadulterated indulgence? • Branson’s Necker Island should do the trick. For £4,400 you can take advantage of the fantastic scuba diving, snorkelling and sailing, or laze on the beach being pampered by maids and top class chefs. Your every whim can be catered for. • Incidentally, that’s £4,400 a day. But hey, that’s only £30,800 for the week. Why not stay a month? • Better still, why not buy your very own island? A company in Hamburg deals with selling islands and a haven of tranquillity and beauty in any ocean can set you back anything from £13,000 to £13 million. • Why, with your sort of money you could buy a small archipelago.

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3 You know that thing in your garage? Rusting, needs re-taxing, revamping and respraying? Well don’t bother. Just replace it. Out with the fluffy dice and corny stickers and in with a roaring, thundering, oozing sexiness from every panel mother of all cars. • Think big. Think Ferrari, think Aston Martin. • Think preposterously hedonistic, ostentatious, egotistic and expensive. • Think the Bugatti Type 41 Royale sports coupe. • Think 8 cylinder engine of 12.7 litres capacity. • Think a total length of 22ft. • Think $15 million. • Think about extending the garage.

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4 Most people, unless they are lucky enough to be in that extreme minority who actually enjoy their work, will jack in their job and say adios to the triviality of earning a living. • Why not use your fortune to open the door to a new career? The most interesting and satisfying that springs to mind is tabloid journalism. • All you need to do is select a celebrity or, better still, a politician of your choice, make up a sordid story involving their sexual preferences for vegetables or other such vices and start your own smear campaign. Dead easy. • Watch a smarmy celebrity squirm under the glare of chatshow spotlights or a political career crumble overnight. • And should it come to a court case, you can offer to help pay the damages whilst raking in the job offers and film rights.

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5 Most people in their lifetime will visit a place they would rather not revisit. I have, and it’s a West Country seaside town of 3 words, the last often being replaced with ‘mud’. Another one is Slough. I feel we would be improving this beautiful land no end if these places were to vanish. Preferably instantaneously. • So here’s the plan. You’ve seen him make a train carriage, numerous people, even the Statue of Liberty disappear. • Well I reckon David Copperfield, for a substantial fee, could be convinced to attempt the Great Disappearing Town act. • Once this feat has been accomplished, you can do the world a second favour by making Copperfield himself disappear, courtesy of a poison dart or an Uzi or Paul Daniels. • Then we will be rid of all that is ugly and distasteful, whilst a million men the world over come out of mourning and celebrate the liberation of the fair Miss Claudia.

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6 You know how the Japanese find nothing more enjoyable than stuffing live eels down their pants and having scorching hot sand thrown at them? Well the shrewd business mind has for many years ignored a potential gold mine in the San Francisco Bay. • Yes, that ominous and eerie Alcatraz that has intrigued visitors and of course prisoners for so long was built with a greater purpose in mind. The place remains much as it was during its heyday as a prison, which makes it ideal for your new use - a haven for all those Japanese tourists who are missing their daily dosage of torture and general masochistic behaviour. • Keep the rooms as they are, since the residents are the creaters and frequenters of the capsule hotel. • They will appreciate the simplicity and nudity of the design. • And after a hard day of photographing each other at the tourist spots (and in the car-park, outside the restaurant toilet etc) they will rush back to the island to relax in a pool full of hungry flesh eating fish.

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7 Crime is a huge problem in this day and age. Police resources are stretched to the limits and many cases remain unsolved for unbelievable lengths of time. • But winning the lottery might help the situation. With your millions you could gather together the world’s greatest super-sleuths and combine their brain power to crack the world’s greatest mysteries: • • • •

Just where did Lord Lucan disappear to? Did Robert Maxwell really topple overboard? Is there a monster in Loch Ness? And where do all those lost socks go to?

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8 So, it wasn’t you in time for the Grand Prix season. But do not fear, for money is here. The Monaco track it may not be, but the thrill will still be there to see the world’s greatest hurtling around the lesser known High Street-turning-left-into-Church Lane circuit. The local wheel-spin crazy hooligan lads will be put in their place once they experience real speed and skill à la Damon Hill and co. • On pole position in the Kwik Save car park you can have the world champion, followed by the five or so next best. • Nigel Mansell’s reputed fee per race is £l million so you could easily blow £7-8 million in one ear blasting, ground shaking testosterone-fuelled battle for your chequered flag. • The pits can be in the local MOT test centre and Murray Walker can be positioned with his mike on the roof of the local pub, which would also be a suitable finishing line. • And the prize for the winners? A pint each. Well, why waste good champagne by throwing it all over each other?

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9 A few (rather sick) individuals invest in their coffin well before they envisage popping their clogs. The coffin becomes an integral part of the furniture, usually a coffee table and is undoubtedly a great source of humour for their less morbid visitors. But they probably don’t have £8.5 million in their piggy bank. You could afford to be a tad more extravagant. I was thinking more along the lines of . . . a pyramid. • Long renowned for the powerful magic forces, this pointed blip on the horizon would certainly attract everyone’s gaze. • You can lie in there surrounded by all your favourite possessions, plus one or two servants who suddenly found themselves as dead as their dearly beloved master. • Have it built immediately and it can be put to 101 uses before its ultimate purpose comes into being. A luxury extension to your home for guests or grannies, a kids’ play area full of plastic balls, a wine cellar, storage for keeping your razor blades sharp, stables for the camels . . .

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FOR SALE £1,000,000

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10 Money can be such a magnet. Hoards of admiring men or women will come flocking by your side, anxious to catch a glimpse of your bulging piggy bank (or whatever you want to call it). And although the majority will be fair-weather friends, you may actually find your true soul-mate, if he or she is not already sharing your life. So how about marriage? A quiet, family affair in a little rural church with nothing to distract from the beauty of the exchange of your vows? Nah. • It should be a really sickly sweet gooey day. Or if you like, a Goofy day. For the ultimate in tackiness you can be surrounded by total strangers donning plastic Disney characters’ heads. • Walk down the aisle on the arm of Mickey and waltz your way into marital bliss with Minnie or dear old Donald. • This hideously corny day can be yours for $85,000 and wouldn’t it make the perfect wedding gift for someone you think would really appreciate it? Unfortunately, not many seven year olds are tying the knot at the moment.

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11 Your partner is no Einstein. They have the IQ of a pig and frankly the same kind of social etiquette. On Mastermind they’d struggle with trying to keep the seat still. And let’s face it, you could do with a little more upstairs. There may not be any hope for you two, but who’s to say that your offspring won’t be a genius? Maybe there was a lapse in the family Mega Brain gene. There is still a chance that Master or Miss Millionaire will shine academically. But then you never really were any good at the laws of probability. Don’t fret. • All that is needed is an egg. • In America, the rich are approaching female students at universities such as Yale and Harvard and offering up to £5,000 for one of their eggs. • This way you are virtually guaranteed brains, and when you plan to extend the family, why not try contacting Cindy Crawford or Arnie or the world’s tidiest person?

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12 Death comes to everyone at some point in there life - usually at the end. All good things must come to an end and hopefully your money won’t dwindle before you do. Make sure you put aside $500,000 for your final splash out - a spot of pickling. • The corpse of Lenin has been preserved in Moscow as a constant reminder of his greatness. • You too can be a constant reminder of your something or other (madness?). For the bloke in Moscow, embalming expert Professor Yuri Denisov, now extends his service. • Every 18 months you will bask in a preservative bath and have an injection whilst having a twice weekly facial. • Just leave instructions that you are to remain intact as cremation does slightly complicate the procedure.

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13 Here is a worthy cause if ever there was one. • Invest your millions in the building of an orphanage for French kids on Mururoa Atoll. • Now see if the French continue testing their nuclear weapons there.

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14 Housework can be such a bore. Ever since you moved out of the semi into the manor, you’ve been scouring the papers for some hired help, knowing that to clean up your place you’d be better off hiring the lads at the nearest barracks. What’s a girl to do? Leave it to the blokes, naturally. • Hoovering has never been so horny! • A company called Slaves Are Us can supply a hunk, semi-clad of course, to whip your house into a frenzy of ironing, mopping or dusting. • Sit down and relax (if that’s possible) and watch him put his muscles to their second best use. • At £100 per 3 hour session, you could afford to have one as your live in housekeeper. • Mind you, some bright spark at HQ makes all clients and slaves sign a no sex contract before the appointment - what do they take us for?

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15 The world revolves around advertising. Everywhere you are bombarded with images of cars, drinks, tobacco, insurance etc. And after a while you just ignore it. But now you have the opportunity to change all this. Everyone in the world will see your advert, and remember it. The world won’t revolve around your advert. No, your advert will revolve around the world. • The European Space Agency is offering the ultimate billboard for advertising. For a minimum of $l million your advert can appear on the side of their rocket, and as world coverage of the launch is beamed into millions of homes, so too will your message. • So hand over your money and make sure you get that space. • Picture the scene. The countdown begins. The crowd look on in anticipation. The burners roar into action and slowly, the great rocket begins to rise. And as it gathers speed it slowly spins around. • And there it is! Your advert! “FOR SALE. FORD ESCORT. LONG MOT. PUCE WITH SUNROOF. £1200 O.N.O. Tel: 0181 923 4529.”

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16 Isn’t it amusing when really rich people leave all their fortune to their cats or to The Rolf Harris Appreciation Society? Now you too can have the last laugh. • You could leave your money to a single friend or relative, preferably one with no sense of humour, with strict instructions that it is only to be spent on the construction and maintenance of a safe haven and sanctuary for maltreated and unwanted garden gnomes. • In your will you can express your concern for the cruelty inflicted on this species, such as the torment of putting a gnome with a fishing rod in a garden without a drop of water in sight. • Ask for the 500 acre site to be fully landscaped with great consideration given to the varying needs of the different types of gnome. • And for a nationwide patrol to collect distressed gnomes, with a 24 hour hotline for concerned neighbours and ‘Friends of the Gnome’ • It’d be worth faking your own death for!

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17 New Years in the past haven’t always gone with a bang. You’re usually stuck in a room full of inebriated strangers with your mouth full of Twiglets and a warm beer in your hand, dreading the midnight snogathon in the street. So you want to do something a little more appealing, especially to see in the new century. • Everyone who’s anyone will be doing it big in 1999. • But most of them won’t be able to afford it more than once. Let alone 12 times. Reserve your seats on Concorde for a booze up with a difference. • Start in Auckland, NZ then hop over to Sydney for a sheep dip and a tinny. Then settle back for the flight back to London, downing a bottle of champagne over every time zone. Join the crowds in Trafalgar Square for the midnight festivities before jetting over to Times Square, NY and a bite of the Big Apple. Finish off in San Francisco with a knees up in Golden Gate Park. • And don’t forget the obligatory handful of Twiglets.

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18 Money can buy you fame. You might not have the same public appeal as a Hollywood babe or Hugh Grant (nothing a back alley can’t fix) but you will certainly have the media’s attention for more than your Warhol-quoted 15 minutes. So naturally you will be asked to join Madame Tussaud’s Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not. • But don’t let that stop you having your face covered in gooey hardening stuff. • Think how great you’d look perched next to the mantelpiece, or reclining à la Hello pose on the chaise-longue. • Imagine how pleased your parents would be to receive a perfectly life-like wax replica as a Christmas present. ‘Sorry I can’t make it for the day, but here is a reminder of gorgeous me’. • You could even have a family portrait with a difference, or update yourself with a new model every 10 years or so, the modern and stylish alternative to the photo album.

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19 Do a spot of automobile cleansing. And I don’t mean a valet service. If there is a certain car design that you find particularly repulsive then you can lower your chances of seeing it in the following way: • Simply place a massive order with your local, say, Fiat dealer for a couple of hundred of your chosen car. • When they arrive, have them all delivered to the nearest scrap yard where they can be crushed into itsy bitsy little cubes. • The highways will be more attractive for it. Meanwhile, the scrap metal can be recycled and used in the construction of a more attractive (read powerful) car, such as a replica of the Batmobile.

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20 Remember how the Americans went into mass panic when they heard The War of the Worlds? Remember how you laughed? • Many people, especially the Yanks, believe in clairvoyants, and they also believe what they read in the papers, especially if it has scientific proof from an English Professor of Clairvoyancy. • They will therefore fear for the Pentagon when you concoct a story about a certain professor having a vision involving an important pentagonal building blowing up. • And you will become a national hero when you offer your money to reconstruct the Pentagon into the Hexagon or the Square. • Once construction has commenced and the military and monetary affairs of America are in turmoil you can report in the papers that the prophecy has come true - the professor’s pentagonal gazebo blew up when a small gas leak occurred under his garden. • The American public will breathe a sigh of relief and after your death, for safety’s sake, you can be acclaimed as one of the world’s greatest pranksters.

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21 Keeping to the construction theme, for years engineers have been trying to come up with a solution to straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Countless daft ideas have been put forward, until a British company finally came up with the most sensible. But has it worked overnight? I think not. We want results. • It’s something to do with both the original construction and the shifting land on which it was built. • It is the latter problem that we can use to aid the straightening process and boost our country’s engineering reputation. • Simply invest in the project and suggest employing a few specialists. Explosives specialists. A little underground blast here and another over here and the Tower will look straighter than ever. • Of course, that’s only because all the surrounding buildings have acquired that same familiar slant. Clever, eh?

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22 I’ve always wanted to have something named after me so that when I die, my legacy will live on and people every day will say ‘Pass me that Humphreys over there, will you?’ • I hadn’t come up with anything to rename until I heard that you can have a Tube station named after yourself if you sponsor it. Bingo. • Not only will my name be on every Underground map now made, but it will also cause total chaos as commuters pull up to what they thought was Kensington High Street, only to find that it now has the groovy name of Gorgeous Humphreys.

GORGEOUSHUMPHREYS

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23 Are you one of those people who stare longingly at the society pages of Hello magazine, imagining how you’d make small talk to Princess Caroline or Harrison Ford and how many cocktail dresses you’d have in your dressing room? Well, that’s rather sad of you. • With £8 million stashed away you can buy yourself that dream. Titles are readily available on the market, for the right price of course. • And when you become Countess So-and-So or Lord Whoever (you’d look a bit daft in that cocktail dress now) you can rest assured that the invitations will come flooding in. • Charity fashion shows in Paris, Royal gala performances in London - you’ll be at them all. Squashed in a seat between two fat blokes who are ‘in advertising’ with champagne tipped down your front by someone’s frighteningly active but very dead looking fox around their neck, wondering what Vera and Jack are up to on Corrie. • And not a Twiglet in sight.

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24 This one is a good one, but believe me it would be harder than it looks. • For £1 million you can (allegedly) buy yourself 500 questions to be put to the House of Commons. • No doubt there are many political arguments that trouble you and you would like to query. But they can wait. • We’re more interested in seeing the MP’s struggle through a session or two of really gruelling questions, such as: Q: ‘Does anyone have the time, please?’ A: ‘I refer the honourable gentleman to the reply I gave some moments ago.’

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101 W ays T o s pend y our L oTTery M iLLions Could the honourable gentleman please tell me what after-shave he uses?

If the honourable gentleman had studied the figures he would realise that my consumption of after-shave has in fact increased by over 50% in real terms since 1979 . . .

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25 I’m not really a very patient person. When I want something done, I mean immediately. I can’t abide a ditherer. So I might get a little frustrated with this one, although I do feel that the end result would be worth the wait. • I would like to fund an animation film with myself in the lead role. • Plasticine or painting, I wouldn’t mind how I was depicted hey, I’d even go for a caricature as long as I looked good. • These films cost quite a bit sometimes, what with all the computer trickery involved. No problem. • They take about 3 years to complete. That could be a problem.

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26 No doubt you would buy a dream home with a part of your millions. And probably spend a small fortune on decorating and furnishing the place. I know I would. But I would go really over the top. Because I’d be really able to afford it. • I would commission Schulz to paint the walls with original Peanuts murals. • And the ceilings. • And maybe the garage doors too. • And if I moved I’d paint over all of them and hire him to do the new house as well.

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27 I’ve heard of a local bloke who spends £180 a week on the Lottery. You may scoff (if you want to) but he’s made thousands on it a number of times. Still, I wouldn’t like to be standing behind him in the ticket queue on a Saturday evening. • So what about it then? Buy a million lottery tickets with your winnings. • With a million combinations, you could probably win a couple of hundred tenners, maybe make up to a million without even winning the jackpot. • Your entries alone would put up the jackpot considerably. • Of course, you’d need to employ about 500 people just to check the tickets. That could put you back another million in wages. But the thrill would be amazing, waiting to count up your winnings. Or losses. Everybody would hate you, either way.

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28 You may think it’s kitschy, you may think it’s corrupt - but as soon as you arrive in Las Vegas you feel lucky. And you start gambling. • With your sort of money you could stay for months but more than likely you’ll gamble the whole lot overnight. • Brush up on your Elvis knowledge prior to arrival to appreciate truly the glory of the entertainment. • And if you do lose the lot on black 13, you can always hurl yourself into the Grand Canyon 300 miles east.

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29 Money can’t buy you love or even friendship, but it can create a lot of enemies. And no doubt you already have a few people on your hit list. So how do you think you would feel if you told everyone just how rotten they are? Guilty and full of remorse? As if! • Already a bit of a craze in New York, you can put your money where your mouth is with a bit of public mouthing-off. • Simply contact the national press, something big like The Times and take a page or two and fill it with your ‘anti-personal’ ads. • Get back at that two-timing partner, the lad who always teased you at play group, the bank manager who was rather unsympathetic, basically anyone who has really got on your nerves. • Leave it anonymous if you like but I would definitely like my chosen few to know who they should come grovelling to.

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30 There is one club that many people would like to become a member of. It’s not the Brownies or the Royal Legion. It allows you to travel to exotic places and provides a rush of adrenaline. Or so I’ve heard. I am, of course, talking of the Mile High Club. • Crazes catch on quickly, as was proved by the followers of the first passionate couple to found the club. • So why not start your own slightly more exclusive club? This will take it, and its members to greater heights. • NASA or one of the other space organisations has an aeroplane used to train its astronauts in the skills of weightless living. It flies on a very steep parabola, and on starting the plummeting descent, passengers are rendered weightless for about 60 seconds. • Imagine being up there with your partner, in the throes of passion - it wouldn’t be a case of the earth moving but you’d have to coin another phrase for the experience. • It’s an expensive way to spice up your sex life, but one to remember. Just remember to provide protection for the landing.

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31 There have been some fabulous inventions over the centuries, such as the dialysis machine, the Davy lamp, the steam train and its predecessors, the tea bag. But there have also been really stupid ones, really laughable attempts to improve society no end. • The best ideas have already been put forward, such as glasses for chickens to stop them pecking each other’s eyes out, the self back slapping device, the shellsuit. • But it would be really interesting to see what you could get a patent for. What you need to do is come up with a huge problem that no one else has actually noticed and then solve it. And remember that people will not buy anything that makes them look silly, no matter how important it is to their well-being or health. • Then when you have spent thousands on research and prototypes, present your project to the patent office and see if they will actually consider it. You never know - your joke may become a best selling gadget on the shelf of every best selling gadget store in the world.

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32 I remember as a child staring transfixed at the telly every Saturday evening willing Sir Jimmy to operate his magic Fix It chair. I always wanted to write in to ask him to fix it for me to have his chair for a day. I doubt it would have made very good viewing. • So how about an up-dated adult version? • It can still do the house work for you, as you sit back relaxing with a juicy book. • It can have a built in bar and toastie maker, along with an automatic dog or baby patter and sun bed panels for problem-free tanning. • Mine would have a foot and shoulder massager too. And so that I couldn’t be accused of being a total seat-potato, it would be the sitting version of those exercise tables. Get me one NOW!

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33 I’m sorry, but no amount of arguing will ever convince me that football is anywhere as near as exciting as rugby. Give me a mud-covered sweaty rugby player any day - real men! • I wouldn’t fork out £8.5 million for a footie player, but I’d be quite happy to part with that sort of cash for a rugby star or two. To coach my kids, of course. • Wouldn’t it be a real treat for your little lad and his rugby playing chums to scrum and tussle with the likes of Tony Underwood and Jerry Guscott every week? • Stuff the kids, I’d be in there like a shot!

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34 Piers Brosnan can try as hard as he likes, but he will never be as much a hero as Sean Connery. 007 was made for him. But the real stars of the films were the gadgets ‘M’ created, especially the numerous car improvements. Wouldn’t you just love to spread oil on the road in the path of that pursuing cop car? Or to shred the bloke parked next to you at the lights? • How many times have you wished your pen doubled as a lethal dart? • OK, so you can count them on one hand, but consider the danger your new millions could inflict on you and your family. Better to be safe than sorry. Or skint. • You could be both by investing in a number of life protecting gadgets. Such as the Seek out and Destroy cordless kettle and the hunter-killer hot water bottle. Both lethal weapons, but equally useful when you fancy a cup of tea and warm tootsies. • And great for disposing of those unwanted overnight guests.

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35 He’s up for grabs. He’s looking for a change of scene and he might well be this year’s hottest property. Sounds like a sound investment to me. Mind you, you might have to be a Roll Over winner to have the sort of money he will find interesting. And remember that he will probably only want this sort of commitment for about 3 years. But in that time he will be yours, to do with as you please. • And being such a decent bloke, I’m sure you would treat him well. • But the offers are pouring in so you had better get your bid in or you might lose out to some hot-shot. And wouldn’t you be gutted then? • It’s not every day you get the opportunity to purchase Robbie Williams.

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36 Growing up can be so difficult. Just when you think you own the world’s greatest pair of trainers, some smarmy kid comes up to you with a crowd of disciples drooling over his NASA designed top of the range pair. End of street cred. May as well be end of life as far as you are concerned. Well a Lottery winner can easily come out top here. • Why not become Mr or Miss Totally Untouchable with the hottest sound system? • I’m not talking about those huge 50 play CD systems which are the only man made objects to be heard from Space. Any Joe Public can have those. • But a band? Well, how many kids can say they own a band? Of course it is a total gamble as to the success of this investment, but that would be half the fun. Unless the band flopped and split after one feeble attempt at a song and Mr. Hot Trainers was replaced as the Coolest Guy in the World.

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37 You must have heard the phrase ‘Call the Fashion Police’, hopefully never directed at yourself. Well actually, that’s not such a bad idea, apart from the fact that there are no Fashion Police. The world could certainly do with such a force. • Your money could be used to set up a private force of police men and women who patrol public areas on the lookout for style related crimes. • There could be on-the-spot fines for the lesser crimes such as wearing any tops with ‘Hello Boys’ or similar wording on them. • More serious breaches of the Fashion Law could result in court convictions and punishments ranging from community service to life imprisonment. • These crimes could include wearing white socks with your loafers, any socks with your sandals, Lazio football tops full stop and wearing any figure hugging clothes if you have a sickening body.

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38 So you want to be the next Demi Moore or James Dean? You think you are destined to grace the silver screen and to be forever recorded on celluloid? • Has it ever occurred to you that nearly everyone wants this at some time in their life? And the last time you tried a spot of serious acting was the pre-school nativity play - you were the star. Of Bethlehem. • Ah, but remember that it is a cut-throat business in Hollywood. All that matters is money. Not a problem for you. • Depending on the type of film, £l million can pay for about 20 minutes of film (unless Kevin Costner is involved). • If you donate a couple of million to the budget you could be in a position to ask for some alterations to the casting. And Americans love a British element to a film. • This could be the start of a massive career - as a producer maybe.

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39 We, as tax payers, fork out a huge amount each year for the maintenance of prisons and their contents. Does that make you just a tad narked? Perhaps a little frustrated? Wouldn’t you like to express your anger? • Your money could be put towards a worthy cause. In every city park you could erect a set of stocks to hold an inmate from the local scrubs for a day. • And near these stocks could be a huge container full of rotten food and rubbish which can be hurled at said offender by passing members of the angry public.

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40 Remember that telly advert for McDonald’s with the couple shopping and the bloke becoming more and more bored and fed up as the umpteenth dress is paraded before him? Don’t we all relate to that situation? • Wouldn’t it be lovely if Saturday shopping was actually an enjoyable experience, with smiley happy faces and no shoving and rushing around? • Wouldn’t it be great if someone released loads of laughing gas into the ventilation system and everyone in the shopping centre began to giggle uncontrollably? • Think of the publicity for the happiest shopping centre in the country - every manager would be adopting your idea.

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41 Here is another idea to improve this country’s image. • Let’s face it, the Lloyds building is an eyesore. It could ideally do with pulling down, but we will go for a make-over. • Buy up all the supplies of gold spray paint that you can find and pay the homeless of London to cover the entire building in a glittering golden coat. • Prince Charles will love you forever.

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42 Oooh, I do love a romantic gesture. Of course, romance does not rely on money since it is the thought that counts. But quite often we come up with a corker of an idea, only to find that our budget won’t run to it. Such as the Orient Express or a slap up candle lit meal. • I prefer more personal gestures though. Such as a special message. • But not on paper. In the sky. • But not on a banner. Actually in the sky. • With my millions I would hire the Red Arrows to perform for my loved one a personal routine, finishing with a coloured smoke ‘I love you’ to be seen for miles around. • Now doesn’t that just bring a lump to your throat?

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43 I’m not too hot on computer games. But I can land a jumbo jet in Hong Kong airport. And that’s what I’d rather do any day. These martial arts and racing games are alright, but you only have about four buttons to worry about. I prefer more of a challenge. • So I would buy an aircraft simulator. • One with every international airport in the world on programme. • And I would learn to master the likes of Tenerife airport and Los Angeles. Because you never know when your entire cabin crew will be taken ill and the lives of all the passengers will be in your hands as you begin your emergency descent into Hong Kong airport, dodging the skyscrapers as you go. • Well it’s more likely than being confronted by a troupe of deranged black belt karate monsters.

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44 I must admit something. For a number of years now I have been ingesting a substance I crave to give me a kick. I am often driven by an uncontrollable desire to find my next fix. I can’t stop thinking about it. But this is only chocolate I desire - no problem there. Or is there? Do I need help? (Don’t answer that). I would like to loathe chocolate. And I think I know the answer. • I would found a residential centre for chocoholics and I think my cure would be a cure for all. • I would force-feed my ‘patients’ chocolate. Everything they ate would be covered in chocolate. • You think that sounds good? Try sausage, egg and chips. Smothered in chocolate. Coq au vin. With chocolate. Waldorf salad. All limp with chocolate. • No matter how long the treatment lasted, I reckon everyone would eventually abhor the stuff. • I doubt the chocolate manufacturers would be too chuffed but you could become a national hero.

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45 Isn’t it depressing how our enjoyment of Christmas is inversely proportional to our age? Are you getting bored of the same old meal and the same old films on telly? Wouldn’t it be great to have a Golden Christmas instead of a Dreary. • Think of a meal of BBQ chicken and prawn kebabs, with ice cold fruit punch to wash it all down. • Imagine a Christmas morning swim or surf in the sea and the rest of the day spent on the beach which is bursting with festive atmosphere. • What I’m thinking of is flying out all your friends to join in the fun on Bondi Beach. • A burst of sunshine can do wonders for a dwindling festive spirit and it might make you all more generous with your presents.

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46 Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And you can never have too many friends. • So buy a diamond mine from De Beers. Which one can be your choice and your gamble. • Once you own it, you own any diamonds mined from it. Imagine how fabulous you would look in a tiara and huge diamond rings. • And wouldn’t De Beers just be so sick if the world’s biggest diamond was unearthed in your newly acquired mine? • You would be laughing all the way to your safety deposit box.

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47 Isn’t it just so great waking up on a beautiful sunny day, feeling on top of the world and ready to face the day? And don’t you just loathe waking up to rain? In fact, I just dread winter full stop. I find it one big depression-fest. • So imagine waking up in your new home overlooking Hyde Park on a dank January morning and seeing the whole park in bloom. • I would like someone to fill the park with silk flowers, at my expense, so that every bush and tree was dripping with colour. • Mad, yes, but I bet people would really feel lifted by a splash of summer in the midst of winter. • Well, I’ll just get back in my padded cell, shall I?

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48 Laughter and child-like behaviour reduces stress and promotes a healthier lifestyle. So Dr. Humphreys prescribes a weekend of madness and merriment. • I’m sure EuroDisney would be glad of the offer to close the park for a few days for a few million pounds. • Invite all your friends to make use of the place, to leave behind work or study for a while and basically to make fools of themselves in the best possible way. • Recreate the halcyon days of your childhood with lashings of candyfloss, soakings and white-knuckle rides. And a few luxury hotels and Disney characters too.

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49 Think of all the important things you can now buy to improve your life. A dishwasher, new car, more holidays, new home, private education for the kids. And so on. • That’s all a bit boring really. Where’s the fun in a dishwasher? • What you really want to do is take yourself down to one of those celebrity auctions. • I don’t mean you want to buy Elton John (or maybe you secretly do). • But what about his glasses or his wigs or even his underpants? • You could start the ultimate memorabilia collection. Underpants are only the start of it.

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50 Let’s go back to the childish behaviour because I like that. Children have such a wonderfully simple view of our adult problems. Maybe if we listened to their ideas we would all get along famously. • For example, to solve the struggle for world power, buy a small army and declare war on a superpower. • And equip your soldiers with the biggest and most powerful water pistols. Sounds like a Bank Holiday in Newquay. • Incidentally, that idea came from a 27 year old bloke. Rather worrying.

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51 Don’t you find it strange how most people’s idea of bad taste can be another’s idea of the height of fashion? Take flares for example. And bury them all. • With your sort of bank balance you could really go to town with this bad taste idea. As far as you are concerned there is no such thing as Over The Top. You could become the King of Kitsch. • Buy a mansion and have the whole thing pebble-dashed. • Cover a limo in fake tiger fur. • Only wear lime green and dayglo pink clothes. • Listen to Des O’Connor all day on full blast. Okay, maybe that is going too far.

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52 My dream when I was very young was to be in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was also a fan of the Hansel and Gretel story. I wanted to demolish that Gingerbread house in record time. • Someone has already made the world’s biggest gingerbread house. But nobody has taken the idea any further. • With your money you could make not only a larger house but one that was also furnished. • A marshmallow 3 piece suite, edible wallpaper. • And once it has been on display for a day or so, you could let the kids eat it to pieces. • Or do it yourself and be really selfish. And ill.

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53 Everybody name drops. I’ve sung with Cliff Richard. Well I think it’s impressive. But it’s something else to travel thousands of miles just to get an autograph. Yet this is a hobby you could afford. • So just arm yourself with a pen, pad and the society pages and start up your autograph collection. • I’d go for really unusual people, like the Dalai Lama, Stephen King and Dale Winton. • You could take Polaroids of everyone, and get voice messages from those unable to write, such as Miss Anderson and Sooty.

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54 You’ve probably all seen the house in Oxfordshire with a shark sticking out of the roof. • Well now you too can be as barmy as that householder, only you can afford to be even more so. • I don’t mean buy Jaws because I doubt they would sell it. • But as far as I know, Spielburg’s T-Rex isn’t being used right now. Imagine the star of Jurassic Park reclining on your roof, staring menacingly down at the neighbours and clawing away madly at your chimney. • You would never have to worry about bird nests in the guttering again.

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55 Right. Time to get scathing. Let’s keep this short and sweet. • Buy an entire wardrobe of fashionable and really wearable jumpers and give them all to Noel Edmonds . . . on the understanding that he never wears one of his usual hideous knits again.

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56 They may be one of the greatest bands around at the moment, and one of my personal favourites, but they certainly need some assistance. • So that is why I would buy REM their very own touring hospital, complete with full operating theatre. • Because we cannot have them dropping like flies every time they tour - who would turn out all those bizarre lyrics otherwise?

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57 Oh jubilate. The football season is back. I can hardly contain my joy. But I’m not one to complain. Nor am I malicious. Which is why I would love to do the following: • On Cup Final day, just as the game has started, I would buy every TV station for an hour and screen 60 minutes of The Smurfs. • And if I couldn’t buy them, I’d pay for the invention of a gadget that would jam all the TV signals. My God, I’d be popular.

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58 So the Beast of Bodmin is merely an overgrown moggy is it? Hmmm. We’ll have to do something about that. • If there is no puma roaming around, there soon will be. • Release a breeding couple in the midst of the moor and see if the scientists can disprove the existence of it now. • Just pray that the original beast doesn’t make a meal of your pumas. Because then they will all be ravenous when the next group of cynics arrive.

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59 Talking about animals, what about all those millions of battery hens? What sort of an existence is that? It would be like spending your entire life in a tube train at rush hour. Nuff said. • So do your St. Francis bit and buy as many chickens as you can, along with Sherwood Forest. • And add them together. • You could start the tradition of a huge Easter egg hunt for all the local kids, finishing the event off with the world’s biggest omelette. • I’m sure there would be un oeuf for everyone. Boom boom.

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60 I think it was the gorgeous Linda Evangalista who gave the world the fabulous ‘I won’t get out of bed for less than $10,000’ quote. • I know what she meant, except my figure would have had a few less zeros. But anyway, in this body conscious age, the pressures on women to stay slim and young are too much. • So pay the Supers to stay in bed for a few days, at about $11,000 a day, and send normal but sexy and stunning women to replace them in their photo shoots and catwalk shows. • Hopefully women would then realise that we don’t need to be slim to be sexy goddesses.

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61 Everyone enjoys a gimmick (except Jack Dee). And here is a frighteningly good one. • Buy a notoriously haunted house and do it all up, maybe even turn it into a guest house. • Then invite people to stay there for a while. • Or rather dare them to. • Personally I would rise to such a challenge - I bet you would be solidly booked all year. • But would your guests ever return?

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62 The Second Severn Crossing is an engineering masterpiece and a credit to our nation. But it looks dead boring. There is too much steel and concrete around, wouldn’t you agree, and not enough colour. • So to enhance the murky waters of the Severn, why not pay for the bridge to be painted in vivid fuschia or a beautiful burnt orange? • Or it could be painted in colours relating to the season, with red and green for Christmas and lilac for spring. • At least the trip to Wales would be a little less depressing.

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63 We haven’t had an exciting new political party for some time. So why not start your own political party, and make the following appointments: • Jo Brand as Minister of Food. • Clive Sinclair as Minister of Transport. • John Cleese as Minister of Silly Walks. • You might just provide what the public have been crying out for, such as cream cakes on the NHS.

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64 This is another way to break in into the glamour of Hollywood. • You could buy the film rights to the O.J. Simpson saga and hire a top script writer to turn out a blockbuster hit for you. • But you might have to wait a long time for the conclusion of the story.

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65 Bottoms are generally very soft and sensitive areas of our bodies. They should be treated with care and respect. • A soft botty is a happy botty. And my bottom is not pleased with the state of the nation’s toilet paper. • At schools and public conveniences across the country I have had to expose my bottom to hard, scratchy, shiny toilet paper that has been about as useful as a plastic bag. • I say out with this rubbish and in with soft, gentle paper. • With a few million under your belt you could set up a factory to produce this softer version on the cheap and then distribute it nationwide to every single public toilet, ridding the country of sore and injured bottoms.

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66 You cannot put a price on art. But it sure as Hell comes in useful. Your money could influence the decision of certain rather influential people, bringing about a great change to our nation’s cultural history. • I personally would like to see a new Poet Laureate. • Not that the present one is no good. But I have a better one in mind. • None other than Mr. Purple Ronnie. • I would like to see the Palace commissioning a poem to commemorate such occasions as the arrival of Clinton, the Christmas message and definitely the present marital state of the monarchy.

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67 Let’s go for another romantic one. This idea wouldn’t really make much of a dent in your fortune but it is the thought that counts. • Everyone has at least one wonderful Can-do-no-wrong person in their life. • And you want to let them know how you appreciate them. • So send them seven beautiful cut crystal or fine porcelain vases and send a massive bouquet of freshly cut flowers to them every day for the rest of their life. • Isn’t that sweet? They would never have to buy an air freshener again.

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68 I think as a nation we don’t really mind the Yanks. We only take the mickey because they are such a soft target. Take the London Bridge fiasco. Well, they did. And they put it in the middle of the Nevada desert. And we’ve all had a jolly good laugh ever since. But I’m disgusted that we ever sold it in the first place. • I say buy back London Bridge and let the Yanks forget their stupidity. • Besides, it won’t be long before they make another huge mistake that we can all laugh at. • Like the next Presidential Election.

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69 Help boost the flailing education standards of this country by funding a new Oxford college. • This college won’t necessarily be as elitist as some of the others, since the subject is more based on practicalities than theory. • But the same high quality professionals will still be churned out every year. • For this college will be dedicated to the study (and appreciation) of alcohol. • But hang on - won’t that make it identical to all the rest?

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70 I’ve already touched on the subject of genetics. I have mixed feelings on this topic but I would go ahead with this idea for the fame aspect. Sick, I know. • My money would go towards projects to genetically engineer perfect farm animals. • Some scientists have already come up with the self-shearing sheep, but I’m sure there are many other breeds out there waiting to be created. • The self plucking chicken for example. • As long as whatever they finally came up with was named after me then I’d let them get on with it.

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71 How would you girls like a lifetime supply of your favourite perfume? I’d be quite happy with that. But I’d be a lot more impressed to have my own personal scent, named after me. There’s Coco, LouLou and Paloma Picasso already. • I think Jenny has a nice sort of sweet-smelling ring. • I would hire the top perfumerie to create an evocative passionate scent that would drive men mad. • And then I would have a lifetime supply delivered to me. • Or you could do this for a dear pongy friend. • Not such a good idea if she’s called Fanny.

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72 Did you hear about that £1.4 million Pools winner who saw his syndicate mates to a drink? Generous chap. • I would make sure my friends, syndicate or not, were able to share in my excitement. • I’d at least give them a meal. But I am being generous now. • I would buy all the girls and boys smart new evening clothes for the occasion - a Fortnum and Mason catered meal at the local manor or art gallery, all silver service and fine wines. • With an after dinner speaker like Chris Evans or Harrison Ford. And then on to a good club or the theatre. A really swanky affair. I think that would be a little more friendly. • Who can put a price on friendship?

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73 You could blow all your winnings on one painting. Not very exciting though. • More inventive would be to commission an artist to replicate a selection of the great works of the years with you and your family in them. • Picture yourself as Jesus at The Last Supper, or as a ballerina in a Degas. • I’d love a vivid Warhol screen print of me, or the family in a Rockwellpose. • And any annoying friends would have lovely Gerald Scarfe portraits done, all expenses paid.

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74 I’ve always said that it’s not the size of the toilet that matters, but what you put in it. And quite frankly, washing away all that rich expensive food with mere tap water is a sin. • The true rich of this world always insist on the best and with your money you can go to extremes. • No more water softeners or limescale removers for you. • For your home will be plumbed to receive only Evian water, in the taps, the central heating and the toilets.

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75 Life was hazardous enough when you were poor. Now you live in fear of kidnap or bankruptcy. • Your list of insurance policies is forever growing. At the rate you are going, you’ll have spent everything on protecting nothing. • But the most important policies you need are more valuable than your own existence. • For you really need an insurance against . . . abduction by aliens. • Yes, this really does exist. • You can receive compensation for loss of earnings and trauma caused by your visit to the great unknown. • Just one thing - how on Earth do they test the authenticity of your claim?

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76 Do not scoff the previous idea. • Many thousands of people (most are, admittedly, Yanks) claim to have been abducted and to have endured rigorous examinations and tests. • But can you blame these creatures? • I mean, what impression can they have of us if all they have encountered is the Voyager with her Bach recording? • I say update the message. • Fund a new capsule full of Sun newspaper readings, Rock ‘n’ Roll, McDonald’s recipes, fashion items, Morecambe and Wise sketches - show them what we are really like.

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77 A morning trip on the Tube isn’t exactly a bundle of fun. Cramped up with all those po-faced city executives glumly pouring over the stocks and shares in the papers. Which is where we could have some fun. • For a large fee I would like to buy a page in The Times or such a paper and have total freedom of expression on this one page. • And I would be very specific in my choice of page number. • I would chose page three. Get the idea? • And then I would sit myself opposite a City fella and watch his little eyes bulge at the sight of some enormous assets.

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78 Our Politically Correct calendars are becoming more and more cramped every year with endless National Weeks of So-and-so. • We’ve had Smile Week, No Smoking Week, Postman’s Week. It’s all getting a bit ridiculous. • Someone needs to make a statement, preferably a sarcastic one. • I would fund a National Wig Wearers Week and slap up posters everywhere with really corny slogans like ‘Tout Your Toupe’ and ‘Welcome a Wig into Your Life’. • Rug-wearers the country over would pour out of the closets whilst we follically-advantaged folk all had a good laugh.

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79 I don’t claim to be a great art critic, but I do know talent when I see it. And I see none in some of the latest modern art. • I’m amazed how much people will spend on a canvas covered in what looks like vomit. • I’d like to fund an exhibition of such work and secretly mix in some scribblings by toddlers from the local playgroup. • Would anyone notice the difference? I think not, and I’m sure Junior’s mum wouldn’t complain as she carried off that huge cheque.

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101 Ways to spend your Lottery Millions.PMD 101

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80 Why do famous people always make really annoying fitness videos? What is the point? I really have no incentive to exercise in front of Cindy Crawford. Most blokes would say differently of course. • In my family we always say if we feel the need to exercise, we sit down until the feeling goes away. • So I would make a video showing people how to avoid any form of physical exertion and yet still lead a fulfilling life.

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81 Okay, one last dig at football. • I would love to see football games start off with all the razzmatazz of an American football game, with loads of pom-pom shaking girls and huge mascots parading amongst the players as they set up the perfect penalty shot. • Imagine the horror on the faces of our millions of hardened football fans as the commentator ignores a beauty of a shot to inform us of the names of all the cheerleaders.

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82 So I lied. One more footie related idea. • With my fortune I would buy up the local ladies football club and give them an immaculate kit to rival Leeds any day, pay for training and buy top trainers to bring them up to Premiership level. • When they reached their peek we would let them loose on the local league teams and give all the lads a run for their money. Revenge can be so sweet.

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83 Some people think the public are so gullible. Especially cosmetics companies. Give their salesperson a white coat and she could sell you a tub of lard as long as there are scientific sounding words on the lid. • With your millions you could start a new company and not employ a single scientist. • Instead you could just spend all your money on creating a mass of sales jargon using words like liposomes, detoxifying, and anything French sounding. • Whatever your product, it should receive huge publicity, not least from The Plain English Society.

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84 You won it all on gambling so it would be fitting if you lost it all the same glorious way. And when do most people have a flutter? At Christmas. • There’s the Christmas Number One to consider. But more importantly there is the age old tradition of the White Christmas bet. • One single flake of frozen precipitation could bring you riches or ruin. The ultimate gamble. Your future in the hands of the highly unpredictable British weather. • Maybe now would be a good time to invest in Rain Dance classes and adapt them slightly?

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85 Anything Robert Redford can do, you can do better. • With £8 million you could spend eight nights with the delightful Ms Demi Moore. • That would make an interesting tale to tell the grandchildren, if you ever lived to have any that is. Jealousy is a terrible thing. • And ‘Gimme’ Moore will have probably upped her price by now.

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86 They say that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. They also say that eccentrics lead a healthier and happier life. So jump on the bandwagon and join the gold rush. • I don’t mean buying the stuff. Try making it. • Yes, I know that alchemy has been scoffed at for centuries. • And I know that its possibility was knocked along with the idea that the Earth is flat and that humans disintegrate if they travel faster than 30 mph. • But think of how science has progressed since the last serious attempt in 1783. Anything is possible. And what about the public interest? It would be huge. Which would mean that many other lunatics would come forward to replace you as director when you die.

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87 Here is one for Challenge Anneka. • Hire a fleet of tug boats and tow a huge iceberg down from the Arctic into the English Channel. • Then let the world’s best ice sculptors loose on it to create a massive bust of yourself. • Once completed, tow it all around the country until it melts beyond recognition. • Break the remainder in to small pieces and drop them into our reservoirs so that we don’t have to put up with another hose pipe ban.

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101 Ways to spend your Lottery Millions.PMD 111

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88 If kids are mugging frail old pensioners of their savings, think what a target you would be. • It would be a good idea to hire some personal security. • I would ignore the trend of female body guards and go for some pure rippling male muscle. • How about a Gladiator? ‘Wolf ’ or ‘Shadow’ would do nicely thank you. • I expect their fee would be as big as their biceps, and can you imagine trying to feed them?

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89 It amazes me the number of hideously awful adverts on the television these days. A certain kitchen towel one really hits my cringe button. You know who you are. • I would like to see an organisation set up of really good advertising teams, like those for Guinness and Levis and Safeway, who would combine their talents and set up a mega team for no others to rival. • And believe me, Andrex, dubbing doesn’t make any difference.

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90 He may have been last in the line for looks, but Andrew Lloyd Webber was certainly granted more than enough musical talent. • Wouldn’t it be romantic to hire the maestro himself to pen a little ditty for the love of your life next Valentine’s Day? • You could then hire a recording studio and a top vocalist to complete the soppiest gesture of the year.

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91 Nearly every town has one, or at least should have. A local nutter, a recluse, a wacko. We have a millionaire tramp, so I’d have to move. • It would be amusing to buy a village manor and become a hermit, only emerging in an old tatty raincoat and flat cap to offer my services as a fully trained palm reader. • The rest of the time I could do as I pleased in my boarded up mansion and enjoy the torrent of rumours surrounding me.

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92 This is a really bratty idea but I was inspired by the spoilt young Hollywood brat pack. • Every time you buy an ‘absolute dream of an outfit’ you just must buy every one in that style in the store because it would be SO humiliating for somebody else to wear it too. • Just bin the rest. • Life will be much easier for everyone this way.

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93 There are some very dissatisfied people out there. People who lack confidence because of the size of their nose. • Well, with a million or so to hand you could completely transform your body into the firm sculpted form you know it was meant to be. • Eyes, chin, brows, ears, cheeks, breasts, thighs, stomach all can be tucked, pinched or pumped. • And with your win you could give a really tactless present to a friend or relative too.

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94 Money is no good if you have nobody to share it with. So put it to use to find that other half, that true soul mate in your life. • Put Lonely Hearts adverts in every national paper in the world and follow your heart to the ends of the world if need be. • With £8 million you could circumnavigate the planet a number of times so you’d be sure to find the right girl or guy somewhere. Whether you’ll have anything left to share is a different question. • Alternatively, why not shun humans forever and become the queen of the cats?

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95 Open up a new theme restaurant in London to rival Planet Hollywood and all the rest. • You could have Planet Grimsby. • Or Fashion Victim Cafe. • Or Lift Music Cafe. • They would all be selling reasonably priced good honest food and all the tacky merchandise you can think of.

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96 In these health conscious days I expect this venture would be a total flop, but it would still be fun to pull it off. • Buy a large hotel and turn it into an ‘Unhealthy Farm’ where people can go to slob out and do themselves great harm but no doubt thoroughly enjoy themselves in the process. • There wouldn’t be a lettuce leaf in sight - bliss!

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97 People may take the mick but I think it was the tragedy of the year, and somebody should do something about it. • Like throwing a massive ‘We love you Stephen’ party to show the nation’s appreciation of Stephen Fry. • Invite a gaggle of celebrities and devoted fans to try to coax him back into performing and writing again. • You will need a couple of crates of booze to enhance the party atmosphere. • At £105,000 a bottle, the 1787 Chateau Lafite claret should certainly bring a glow to the cheeks and relieve your burning pockets.

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98 Your cash puts you in a good position to do your bit to help save the world. • Why not reverse global warming by planting more rain forests? • But make sure you plant them where rain is actually wanted.

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99 Why do people insist on covering their cars with stickers? • There are some really sad stickers out there, which is why I would love to buy a printer and all the paraphernalia needed to create my own stickers. • I’d produce thousands and employ people to slap them on certain cars in the dead of night. • The sticker would simply say,

MY OTHER SENSE OF HUMOUR IS FUNNY.

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100 People may advise you to employ or consult a financial advisor. Might be a good idea I suppose but they would probably give really boring advice. • Which is why, if it becomes possible, I would hire Nick Leeson to deal with my money making prospects. • He would be the most cautious bloke available and would look after my money with the utmost care. • Probably.

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101 Only I can truly appreciate the beauty of this last idea. • When I win the Lottery, I will employ people to come up with 101 ways to spend it and get someone else to write a book for me. • And make another million when it becomes a bestseller.

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