EMMA BURGESS SUMMERSDALE
101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY Copyright © Emma Burgess 2002 All rights reserved No part of th...
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EMMA BURGESS SUMMERSDALE
101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY Copyright © Emma Burgess 2002 All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language without the written permission of the publisher Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com ISBN 1 84024 231 0 Printed and bound in Great Britain Cartoons by Kate Taylor
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a great footie team for the World Cup . . . playing for Germany of course.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The royal throne: should be open to the public . . . London needs more public toilets.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Philip: would make a fair-minded magistrate.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Sophie: a successful PR chick without any nepotistic contacts.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a table-football team you know you can slaughter. Even after a few beers. And blindfolded.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a team of KwikFit fitters . . . specialising in Rolls Royce exhaust pipes.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The royal corgis: hot-dogs for Hagrid.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: interesting and dysfunctional set of candidates for the next Big Brother. (Although you can guarantee there won’t be much shagging.)
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: something glittery to decorate the tree with at Christmas and, thanks to Edward, a fairy to put on top.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Anne: her hairstyle could provide enough accommodation to solve the homeless crisis.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Anne: stand-in for Marge Simpson.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: could provide valuable urine samples for hospitals. After all, when you think of her you think of ‘the royal wee’.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Henry VIII: remembered amongst kids not as a fat, bearded and over-sexed leader of the country, but as a nifty drug measurement (as in “I’ll have an ‘enry of your finest weed please”). 20
101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: an executive stress toy . . . that probably stresses you out even more.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Philip: we need more, authentic kebab shops.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: proprietor of his own television production company. Actually, that’s way too silly.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Fergie: a reminder for men to keep their toes clean at all times.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: bereavement counsellor to the Plant Kingdom.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Harry: a new recruit at Hogwarts to divert attention from the other famous Harry.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: an ironic makeover stylist.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Queen Victoria: a photograph of her could work nicely as a form of contraceptive (mind you, any royal photo would do).
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen and Prince Philip: Fawlty Towers’ new proprietors (but no jokes about the Germans please).
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Anne: a last minute alternative present for your little daughter when it’s Christmas and all the ponies have sold out. She’ll never notice the difference.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Edward and Sophie: the next Richard and Judy?
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Andrew and Fergie: Punch and Judy.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Anne: celebrity hair (un)stylist.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: human shield should we ever enter World War III. On second thoughts, it might encourage people to bomb us.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: Manolo Blahnik’s new muse.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Anne: Pioneer of a new type of Charm School teaching refined phrases such as ‘Naff awf’.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Harry: stand-in for Ron Weasley (bless!).
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: elocution teacher. Surely you’d want your kids to “taawk lake thyat”.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: future King . . . erm, maybe not.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Andrew: the next James Bond.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The royal corgis: great draught excluders if you cut their stumpy little legs off.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Philip: diplomat for the Foreign Office . . . because he is diplomacy personified, after all.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a display in the Victoria and Albert Museum of things that have long since gone out of fashion.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Queen Victoria: sex-education teacher.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Philip: a stand-in for Jeremy Paxman on University Challenge. Both men are renowned for their tact and patience.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince William: Mr Britney Spears.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: the new face of Estée Lauder. With lips like that, who needs collagen-enhanced beauties like Miss Hurley?
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Albert: somewhere to store your rings.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: celebrity, organic chef. He has a wide variety of vegetables at his disposal (Queen Mum, Queen, and Philip amongst others), although some are admittedly a little past their sell-by date.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
King Arthur: useful person to have around the house if you need help searching for something to drink out of.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Edward VIII: typical football manager, as they seem to have no qualms in stepping down when they can’t have things their own way.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Queen Elizabeth I: purveyor of fine 17th century sex aids and chastity belts.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Sophie, Countess of Wessex: furrier to the stars.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: a job behind the bar at her grandmother’s pub, The Queen Vic, awaits. It’s always good to keep it in the family.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Fergie, Sophie, Anne and Liz: stand-ins for Sex and the City.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Edward: crash-test dummy . . . it would make his mum proud to see him succeed in a career.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a replacement Thames barrier should the old one spring a leak.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: should swap their ermine-lined capes for red coats and do a spot of entertaining on the coast. That would cheer the working classes no end.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Buckingham Palace: a fantastic new shopping mall incorporating a multiplex cinema (that shows only films by Ardent Productions). Bound to be busy then.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince William and Prince Harry: polite traffic-light windscreen wash boys.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen and her kids: should do their bit for equine dentistry . . . by donating their teeth.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen and Princess Anne: guest accessory designers for any retro fashion house.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: should help out at the local fox hunt . . . by giving the hounds a rest.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Andrew: could make a valuable contribution to the RAF . . . his mouth would make a great aircraft hangar.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: would be perfect for assisting a polar expedition . . . they’d make a hearty casserole if the food runs out.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince William: administering courses on how to score with the ladies. Simple – just call yourself a Prince.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Henry VIII: marriage guidance counsellor.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: could run a high street bakery. After all, they’ve always been inbred.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: new team of scriptwriters for Eastenders. Stand by for new, gritty story-lines about people struggling to live on a million pounds a year and coming under threat of having to open their ten homes to the public in order to make ends meet.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Windsor Castle: introduced into modern day vernacular as rhyming slang, as in “stick it up yer windsor!”
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: send them all to man the International Space Station . . . and leave them up there.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Harry: the first royal rock star . . . because he’s had a head start with the drugs lifestyle.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: the next British Olympic team. We’re bound to score a Gold with them, as there’s no-one better at that new (and little-known) Olympic sport of living on state dosh and sitting in castles.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Fergie: the Olympic flame.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: should do their bit to end animal experiments . . . by sitting in cramped cages whilst noxious chemicals are poured into their eyes.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Philip: starring role in a production of An Ideal Husband. He might learn a thing or two.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: could be the inspiration of a new ride at Disneyland . . . um, actually on second thoughts, make that Fergie.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The royal box: could be hired out at an hourly rate. Subject to Fergie being available, of course.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: if they carry on inbreeding at this rate, they’ll negate the need for sophisticated make-up and special effects in films like Lord of the Rings.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: should join a freak show. After all, people with no surname and no number-plate are hard to come by.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: could expand her annual Christmas broadcast into a full soap opera with daily updates on her family’s crises.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The kids: could help out at local fairgrounds on the bumper cars during the summer holidays . . . as the bumpers.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen’s sons: could be great financial advisors. Need a new castle? Just ask the Government . . . or Mummy.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: Mayor of Milton Keynes.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: given her appreciation of art, she could contribute to the Tate Modern. Mind you, I’m not sure how she’d cope with floating in formaldehyde.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: floristry business making a profit from all the floral gifts they receive on royal visits.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Fergie: could do the lecture circuit reminiscing on Andrew’s Naval flying days . . . and the size of his chopper.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: with a little more drama coaching, he’d make a great panto dame (although a wee bit too camp perhaps?).
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: guinea pig in hair re-growth experiments.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: a damn fine polo coach . . . helping those little mints with how to come to terms with the emptiness at the centre of their existence.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: museum curator. He could dedicate his life to the preservation of the word ‘carbuncle’ for future generations.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
It’s a Royal Knock(er) Out: top quality, fund-raising entertainment featuring royal boobs and bouncy castles.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: as Head of the Church of England, she is ideally qualified to give assistance at the local Sunday school . . . handing out the milk and biscuits.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: drama teacher specialising in teaching the art of facial expression (stoical, po-faced, official, po-faced, wrinkly, po-faced, er that’s it).
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: could work in an ice rink. Her job would be to keep the temperature down . . . they don’t come any icier than her.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Fergie: debt counsellor.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: could donate their bodies to RSI research thanks to the many hours they have all spent doing the ‘royal wave’.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: her experience shattering champagne bottles on ships would serve her well as a royal vandal.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Harry: is stuck being third in line to the throne. You’d think they’d build another bathroom and eliminate the queue, wouldn’t you?
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: replacement cast for dull version of Friends, in which they live in adjacent palaces, occasionally wave at each other, and refuse to let anyone know what’s really happening in their private lives.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The Queen: could run her own betting shop . . . Win-dsors.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Princess Michael of Kent: could suss out some other counties. She must be bored of Kent by now.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: new cast for a Star Trek series in a ship crewed entirely by mutant aliens.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Edward: is qualified to work as a hole on a golf course by lying down with his mouth open. With his trousers off he could earn extra cash as a bunker as well.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Sophie, Countess of Wessex: could lie next to Edward on the golf course and provide the rough.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
Prince Charles: should renounce his royal position, take up his first hobby and call himself The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
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101 USES FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY
The whole family: a quirky new slot on Eurotrash . . . which is, after all, a show devoted to foreign miscreants.
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