102 Tips For Men Dating Men

102 Tips For Men Dating Men

102 Tips For Men Dating Men Nigel Bartholomew

iUniverse, Inc. New York Lincoln Shanghai

102 Tips For Men Dating Men All Rights Reserved © 2004 by Nigel Bartholomew No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher. iUniverse, Inc. For information address: iUniverse, Inc. 2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100 Lincoln, NE 68512 www.iuniverse.com This book is art and entertainment. Cover Art: Characters and Shades. Inspired by the poem At The Club ISBN: 0-595-75508-9 Printed in the United States of America

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I learned from, shared with, and listened to so many people. Thanks to Adrienne, Alison, Andre, Angie, Anthony, Barry, Biff, Bob, Briian, Broderick, Byron, Caron, Cedric, Charles, Chris, Christiana, Cullen, Darren, David-Michael, Dennis, Dereick, Diane, Eric, Gary, Harlon, Jamal, Jay, Jeni, Jenny, Joycelyn, Karen, Karim, Karl, Keisha, Keith, Kim, Kirk, Leon, Lynn, Marcia, Marina, Marisol, Mark, Marlon, Marshall, Marta, Michael, Michele, Michelle, Miguel, Mona, Nadine, Randy, Regina, Reynaldo, Rhett, Robin, Roderick, Romero, Roy, Scott, Sean, Spanky, Stan, Suzette, Sylvia, Teren, Thomas, Tim, Tino, Tommy, and Tony. I’m sure I forgot to mention a few people.

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INTRODUCTION 102 Tips For Men Dating Men is a compilation of things I learned and observed during a lot of years of dating, probably two decades worth, and heart to heart conversations I had with friends who shared with me their dating experiences, encounters, thoughts, and wishes. I began writing this guide in the mid-1990s. I was dating, sometimes a little bit and sometimes a lot. But I wasn’t learning much. I was making the same mistakes and not always being treated the way I wanted to be treated or meeting who I wanted to meet. My friends had similar complaints. So I started listening to myself and the people I dated. What did I want and need? What did my dates want and need? Who was I when I was with them and who was I when I wasn’t? And was I having any fun? My friends also had questions and often asked me for advice, knowing I would give them the truth as I saw it or knew it, my vii

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truth really, and so I happily gave it to them. I soon realized that I not only had to exercise some of the same judgment I was passing along, but the song I was singing–you want to behave this way, you want him to behave that way was often the same old song. The lyrics were sometimes different but the message was the same. One night, after a long “what are we doing wrong” telephone conversation with a friend, I wrote down some of the things we talked about. I figured if I wrote down what I should do and not do, then I could remember and I could date better. After all, I had no intention of leaving the dating scene. I just wanted good dating (not just sex and drama). I also wanted my friends to want and have good dates, and my dates to be better at dating. The more I wrote, the more there was to say, and before long I had over a hundred tips to help me and my friends. I now offer them to you as your helpful, entertaining guide to healthy dating. You may not agree with all of them and you may want to add your own tips. If nothing else, hopefully they will inspire you to think, talk, and act positively, and enjoy your dating life. In this millennium, dating means many things to many people. It can describe one viii

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long date that doesn’t end and turns into a move-in situation. It can also mean a less than one hour booty call, or maybe more than one hour if you count drive time, and everything in between these two extremes. However you describe it, it should be good, clean, honest fun filled with interest, excitement, and passion. It should be void of misuse and abuse, and it should be what you want it to be. If it’s also what the other person wants it to be, then you have it made. Finding mutuality is a good thing. Always consider yourself, and consider the other person too. Now read my tips, enjoy the photos, start or continue dating, and good luck! Here are a couple more not in the book–laugh at his jokes, laugh at yourself once in a while, be willing to try something new, be spontaneous, and remember life is not a fairy tale.

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1993 must have been a brown (but maybe not totally dark) year. I don’t remember much except that I was living in Atlanta, and I wrote these 2 poems—Naked And Empty, Why that year. I don’t know this person—see Tip #94. Naked And Empty February 26, 1993 It has happened again And I am feeling cheap After closing the door Nothing to cling to But sweaty sheets and heavy hollowness This time a bonus – a passion mark Every time I look in the mirror I know What I am What I did What I want

But what I get Addicted to attention I let go, give in, only to be let down By me Always I am disrobed with lust Never clothed with love I cry, I cry I form icicles around my heart I cry, I cry But never on the outside.

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Why March 9, 1993 As the sun Puts me to sleep Every night I ask myself Why Can’t I find My soulmate Every morning As I rise I turn and find No one there To kiss In the new day

It is getting harder To go on With a soul And no mate But still I continue to seek and As the sun Puts me to sleep Every night I ask myself Why.

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I felt liberated after I moved to Los Angeles—no family, no teachers, no small, conservative town with all its traditions. My first time in an LA club was fantastic and scary. I was tripping over myself. I was a neophyte. This is a short poem about that time. At The Club Mulling through the crowd Bodies nothing but bodies Multitude of characters and shades My eyes burn Trying to take it all in Over here over there up here down there this way that way around the corner in the light on the stage everywhere anywhere all places It excites me I’m a part of something But I’m a part of nothing

Manifesting different looks, expressions Attitudes, positions Am I looking cute Will someone approach How can they when I keep moving Like I’m working it huh Next day That was fun and I’m still me Glamour is still where I left it I’m still by myself though in a Shy state.

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Contents 1. ................................................................................2 2. ..............................................................................3 3. ..............................................................................4 4. ..............................................................................5 5. ................................................................................7 6. ..............................................................................8 7. ..............................................................................8 8. ..............................................................................9 9. ............................................................................10 10. ............................................................................12 11. ..............................................................................14 12. ............................................................................16 13. ............................................................................17 14. ............................................................................17 15. ............................................................................19 16. ..........................................................................20 17. ..........................................................................20

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66. ........................................................................70 67. ..........................................................................72 68. ..........................................................................73 69. ..........................................................................75 70. ..........................................................................76 71. ............................................................................77 72. ..........................................................................77 73. ..........................................................................78 74. ..........................................................................80 75. ..........................................................................81 76. ..........................................................................81 77. ..........................................................................82 78. ..........................................................................84 79. ..........................................................................84 80. ........................................................................85 81. ..........................................................................85 82. ........................................................................86 83. ........................................................................88 84. ........................................................................88 85. ........................................................................89 86. ..........................................................................91 87. ..........................................................................93 88. ........................................................................94 89. ........................................................................94

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102 Tips For Men Dating Men

1. Know Yourself. Are You Gay Bisexual Straight SGL DL A Freak Self-Identified In Another Way Or Not Identified At All?

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2. Be Yourself. Don’t Be Too Far Into Dating And You Can’t Be Yourself.

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102 Tips For Men Dating Men

3. Respect Yourself And The Men You Date.

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4. Don’t Confuse Yourself. You’re A Man Dating A Man.

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102 Tips For Men Dating Men

Bon Accord, Tobago

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5. Don’t Step Out Of Your House To Date A Man Until You Determine Your Wants And Needs.

He wants a turkey burger but he needs understanding and kindness.

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6. Stop Forcing Hetero Norms Into Your Homo Culture.

7. Beware Of Homophobic Homosexuals Projecting Self-Hate.

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8. If A Man Is Not Out To Anyone Then He Is Not Out To Himself. Things Sound Differently When Said Aloud.

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9. Get Use To Repeating Your Life Story Over And Over And Over And Over Again At The Club In The Coffee Shop During Dinner On The Telephone At The Gym In Bed On The Train On The Internet In The Car On The Corner And On And On And On. You Know You But He Doesn’t.

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Paris, France

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10. Don’t Confuse Fantasy With Reality. Often Times Fantasy Is Better Than Reality.

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Zurich, Switzerland

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11. Take Your Time. What Is The Rush? Take Your Time. Take Your Time. Take Your Time.

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London, England

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12. Stop Trying To Turn Straight Men Gay. There Are Enough Men Who Date Men To Choose From. But If You Must Try Realize It’s Only Fantasy.

I had to tell him twice, “Man, we’re cool and all, but you and I ain’t gonna happen, I only date women.”

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13. Don’t Go To A Bar Expecting To Find A Lover Just Have Fun And Hope For The Best.

14. Most Men In The Bars Want To Be Single Many Who Want To Be Married Are Already Home Married.

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Atlanta, Georgia 18

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15. Keep Your Identity. Don’t Become The Man You’re Dating.

He wore hoodies in the house and played video games and I composed songs on the piano.

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16. Don’t Live Your Life Only In Search Of A Man.

17. You Can’t Control Who A Man Dates And Why He Dates Him Stop Trying.

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18. Stop Trying To Attract Every Man Every Man Won’t Be Attracted To You.

19. Don’t Settle It’s Not Becoming And You Both Lose.

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20. Be Less Inhibited. Go Ahead You Know You Want To.

It’s late, we’re alone in my car, and you’re staring at me and not saying much. I know you wanna kiss me man, so go for it.

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College Park, Maryland

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21. Don’t Marry A Man On The First Date Divorce Usually Comes Soon After.

22. Don’t Move In With Him After The First Date Or The Second Or Third.

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23. If A Man Never Makes Definite Plans With You Until The Very Last Minute Then You’re Probably Not The Only One He’s Dating.

We should do something maybe Friday or Saturday early or late or not too late maybe a movie or I could just come over, um okay are you gonna be home imma call you back.

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24. Men Like To Chase And Be Chased. Be Ready And Willing To Play.

He told me he liked me. I then spent the next 2 weeks trying to get a romantic date with him. It’s my turn to be busy.

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London, England

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25. Men Are Looking To Fall In Love. They Just Don’t Know What Love Is.

A feeling…an action…in the details…over time…not the first 2 days of meeting and having great sex.

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Paris, France

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26. If You Date Long Enough Then You’re Liable To Date The Ex-Boyfriends Of Your Friends And Or The Ex-Boyfriends Of Your Ex-Boyfriends.

I’m at a party and I run into my ex. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other and he wants to introduce me to his new boyfriend. He calls him over. This is…his new friend interrupts, oh hi, we know each other. You do? Yeah. His boyfriend is also my ex. My ex-boyfriends are now dating.

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27. What Goes Around Comes Around Don’t Be An Evil Man.

28. Be Mature.

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Rome, Italy

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29. Speak Facts Not Fiction.

Photo: Bocca della Verita (Mouth of Truth). Roman legend has it that if you place your hand in the mouth and tell a lie then your hand will be cut off.

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30. Every Man Comes With Baggage Make Sure Your Temperament Tolerance And Shoulders Are Big And Broad. Or Get Out.

He must sit on the aisle in the back of the movie theater and leave before the movie ends, he hates wet food and when different foods on his plate touch, he refuses to get on a plane, he hates feminine guys, he adores the color purple, and he doesn’t understand why his mother loves and helps his sister more than him since he did the right things and went to school and his sister has 3 kids, no husband, and baby daddy drama.

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31. Men Will Quickly Romance You Dance You And Never Call You Again. No Reason. At Least No Reason You Can Figure Out Or Really Want To Hear.

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32. Looks Are Deceiving. What You See And Hear In Public Is Not Always What You Get In Private.

His friends describe him as aloof, and an aggressive driver, who wears baggy clothes and skullys, smokes cigars, and likes to be out playing cards with the guys. When I’m home with him, he’s a sensitive, affectionate person who wears pants with little teddy bears on them, and enjoys baking muffins.

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Zurich, Switzerland

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33. Ask The Questions You Really Want To Know The Answers To. Be Prepared To Hear And Accept The Answers.

It’s funny you should ask. Well I do see a therapist once a week and uh, I’m on Prozac but I’m about to get off, and yes I’ve been in jail but it was only for writing a few bad checks, it’s not like I killed a man.

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34. Be A Good Listener. In All The Babble A Man Will Let You Know Who He Is.

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35. Be Expressive Have Something To Talk About. Boring Is Unattractive. A few subjects to get you started: weather, sports, politics, travel, family, school, work, relationships, art, music, sex, cars, fashion, famous people, houses, money, TV, movies, wine, games, cooking, bars, cartoons, working out, books, spirituality, friends, porn, spas, pets, gardening, popular culture, current events, and men.

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Takoma Park, Maryland

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36. All Men Don’t Lie Some Men Do.

37. All Men Aren’t Whores Some Men Are.

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38. Men Are Obsessed With Flat Stomachs And Not Getting Fat. Don’t Stand In The Way Of His Workout Join Him.

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39. Be Discreet. The Community Is Smaller Than You Think.

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Amsterdam, Holland

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40. Men Talk. Men Will Know A Lot Of Things About A Lot Of Men Before They Ever Meet Them And Sometimes They Never Meet Them Or Don’t Want To Meet Them They Just Want To Laugh About All The Things They Know When They See Them At Various Parties.

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Amsterdam, Holland

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41. Don’t Move Across The Country For A Man At Least Not In The First 6 Months Of Dating Him You Will End Up Across The Country And Without Him.

42. A Man Once Told Me, Amor De Lejos Para Pendajos. (Long Distance Affairs Are For Fools.) But I Say, Be Foolishly In Love And Not Just Foolish.

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Paris, France

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43. A Man Is Liable To Say Anything To You When He Is Drinking. If You Are Drinking Too Then You Are Liable To Hear Just About Anything. Same Goes For Drugs.

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44. Men Will Say One Thing And Do Another And Not Feel Guilty About It.

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Rome, Italy

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45. Live To The Fullest In The Present. Tomorrow Holds No Guarantees.

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46. Always Be Prepared To Pay Your Own Way.

47. If You Pay For Dinner Don’t Expect Anything In Return And Definitely Don’t Expect Him To Treat You To Dinner In The Future Although It Would Be Nice.

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48. Just Because A Man Wants It Served Quick And Fast Doesn’t Mean You Have To Comply.

49. It Doesn’t Have To Be That Easy For Your Pants To Drop To Your Ankles Unless You Really Want Them To.

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50. Never Date A Married Man Especially A Straight One Sex With Him Is A Whole Different Issue.

51. Stop Leaving Hang-Ups On A Man’s Answering Machine He Has Caller ID And Can See That You Called Him 10 Times In 2 Days.

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52. Getting A 2:00 AM Call From A Man On His Car Or Cell Phone Because He’s In Your ‘Hood And Wants To Come Over To Get Some Head Is Not Dating.

53. If A Man Calls You After Normal Bedtime Hours Then He’s Probably Horny.

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54. Men Did Communicate Before Cell Phones Pagers Voice Mail E-mail Profiles On The Internet Caller ID 3-Way Calling Text Messaging And *69. Men Are Technologically Savvy 4 Email Accounts 6 Profiles On Hook-Me-Up Web Sites And Still No Dates Or Lots Of Bad Dates. Get Back To Basics.

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Woodbrook, Trinidad

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55. Don’t Talk Endlessly About All The Things Your Last Boyfriend Did Or Didn’t Do That Annoyed You Or Pleased You Unless Asked. And When Asked Limit Your Answers.

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56. Get To Know The Man You Are Dating Spiritually Emotionally Physically Mentally Financially Socially Sexually And Intimately. And Not Necessarily In That Order.

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57. A Man Will Flirt With You Anywhere. Flirt Back.

I was called for jury duty and took off work to fulfill my civic duty. As I sat in the big, main room waiting to be assigned to a case I felt eyes on me from across the room. The eyes moved closer and began to flirt with me. I flirted back and when I left that day I had the guy’s phone number.

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Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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58. Be Clean. Water Soap Shampoo Enema Lotion Body Oil Toothpaste Dental Floss Cut Trim Shave Clean Under That Foreskin. And Cut Those Nails.

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Paris, France

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59. Be Honest. There’s What You Say There’s What You Don’t Say There’s How You Say It There’s How You Don’t Say It There’s What He Hears And What He Doesn’t Hear And How You Live Your Life.

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60. Be Life Affirming And Sex Positive.

61. Engage In Safer Sex And Enjoy Sex.

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62. Tops Are Real Men.

63. Bottoms Are Real Men.

He confided in his friend, “I never said I never tried it or never thought about it.”

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64. Stop Asking Men If They’re Top Or Bottom. An Expressive Sensual Explorative Man Will Be Able To Satisfy You Sexually. If Not Then You’re Not Expressive Sensual And Or Explorative.

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65. Condoms Don’t Leave Home Without Them And Invest In Good Lube And Pleasurable Enhancements.

66. Negotiate Outside The Bedroom Not In The Bedroom.

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Chicago, Illinois

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67. Having Sex And Making Love Aren’t The Same. Some Men Will Try To Convince You And Themselves That They Are.

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68. Remember You’re Dating Someone Like You Selfish Controlling Private Independent And Free-Wheeling.

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Munich, Germany

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69. When A Man First Meets You He Knows If He Wants To Have Sex With You But He Needs You To Wine Him Dine Him And Toss His Mind First. Go The Distance.

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70. Don’t Ask For And Take A Guy’s Number If You’re Really Not Going To Call. What’s The Point? Just Enjoy The Dance And Leave It On The Dance Floor.

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71. If You See The Guy You Like In The Bars Too Much What Does That Say About You?

72. A Man Will Give You His Number Insist You Call Him And By The Time You Do He Has Changed His Mind. It’s His Problem.

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73. Men Gossip. A Man Will See A Man On The Street He Knows Him Or He Doesn’t But He Thinks He Knows How He Is In Bed And What His Penis Looks Like And Who He Last Slept With And What His Status Is. A Man Has His Friends To Thank For The Gossip.

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San Francisco, California

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74. You Don’t Have To Be Butch To Be A Real Man Unless It’s Sometimes The Fantasy Of The Guy You’re Dating. And Have Some Fantasies Of Your Own.

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75. Some Men Are Obsessed With Size But Won’t Tell You It’s Their Problem. Be Happy With The Penis You Got.

76. Stop Choosing A Man Solely Based On What His Penis Looks Like. Aren’t We More Than This? Yet?

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77. Men Can’t Make You Happy. They Can Help You Enjoy A Happy You. Make Yourself Happy And Be A Happy You.

Every other Sunday he sat in the park with his paper and pencils and drew what he saw, and that made all the difference in his world.

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Washington, DC

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78. If You Can’t Be Friends You Can’t Be Lovers.

79. Men Don’t Have To Love You You Have To Love Yourself.

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80. You Can’t Force A Man To Be With You. Get A Grip.

81. Never Have Regrets You Did It Own Up To It Be A Man About It.

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82. Go Out On That Limb. Let Him Know How You Feel.

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Grand Canyon, Arizona

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83. It’s Not True That You May Love Only Once In This Life.

84. Work At Trusting Him Start High At Trust And Not Low At Distrust.

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85. Abuse Of Any Kind Is Not Acceptable. Don’t Continue To Date A Man Who Abuses You. Why Is He Hitting You And Why Are You Letting Him?

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Bari, Italy

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86. Stop Chasing Men Who Don’t Want You And Running From Men Who Do. It Becomes A Vicious Circle. Guy keeps playing your strings and Dude won’t stop beating his drum at you, and I’m there for every rhythm in your life. Hello. Notice me.

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Naples, Italy

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87. Be Prepared To Have Many Dates Before You Find A Good Match. With Millions Of Men In The World Why Should The First One You Talk To At The Bar The One Saturday You Decide To Go Out Be A Good Match?

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88. Don’t Be Shy Go Over There And Introduce Yourself To Him.

89. Become Your Fantasy Man It Can Be Done And You Have The Time.

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90. Self-Esteem And Confidence Are Attractive.

91. Complaining About Everything In Your Life Isn’t Attractive. Your Friends Don’t Really Want To Hear It So Why Would Your Dates.

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Milan, Italy

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92. Lots Of Men Who Date Men Are In Church. Visit One And See For Yourself.

He went to church to worship and got distracted by the man who arrived late and squeezed into his pew to sit and pray next to him.

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93. Take Some Risks Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained. And If You Don’t Gain You Learn And So You Gain.

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Sorrento, Italy

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94. Don’t Have Reservations. Life Is An Ever-Changing Evolving Process With Many Growing Pains. You’re Not Who You Were Several Years Ago And Several Years From Now You May Not Be Who You Are Today.

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Mt. Irvine, Tobago

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95. Be Careful Of The Men You Meet Through Personal Ads. Who They Say They Are And Who They Really Are Can Be Quite Different. They Often Say Who They Want To Be And Pictures Lie Too.

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Boca Chica, Dominican Republic

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96. Go Ahead And Ask A Man If He’s Married Single Or Dating Someone Seriously. How Else Are You Going To Know? Don’t Wait For Him To Tell You That May Not Happen.

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Grand Anse, Grenada

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97. It’s Not Your Problem It’s Theirs. Stop Making It Yours.

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Paris, France

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98. Date Him For Who He Is Not For What He Has. It’s About How You Feel When You’re With Him Not What He Buys You. Besides, Get Your Own.

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Naples, Italy

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99. Nobody Wants To Wait For You. If You Have To Try On 12 Outfits Before You Go Out Then Start Early So You Will Be On Time.

He spent most of Saturday shopping for an outfit to wear to the party and spent the evening trying on clothes and getting ready. He finally arrived at the party and everyone only talked about his beautiful smile.

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Caribbean Carnival

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100. Be Creative. Dull Is Not Attractive.

He took the time to research the meaning of my name, put it in a frame, and give it to me.

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Paris, France

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101. Be Romantic. Romance Is Still In.

Late at night we would walk out from the bedroom onto the balcony naked and watch the stars in the sky.

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Sorrento, Italy

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102. Get Out Of The House. You Can’t Meet Anyone Sitting At Home. You Can Talk On The Computer But You Still Have To Get Out Of The House.

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Washington, DC

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